Yet another funny thread (jokes this time)

[Agent31]

If Dr. Seuss wrote technical manuals...

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus
is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the
memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket
packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the
double-clicking icons put your window in the trash, And
your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash, Then
your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!

If the label on your cable on the gable at your house, Says
the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But
your packets want to tunnel to another protocol, That's
repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then
you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, "Cause as
sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to
RAM your ROM, Quickly turn off your computer and be sure
to tell your mom!

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Agent31™. All comments Copyright © 1999 Agent31. All rights reserved.

[Agent31]

Don't shoot me if you've heard these before...

Q) What does Microsoft and a halter top have in common?
A) Both offer very little support!

-------------------

Since the wedding night, Bill Gates' wife finally knows, why he called his company 'Microsoft'

-------------------

Q) How many programmers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A) None, its a hardware problem!

-------------------

Q) How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb ?
A) None - Bill Gates just declares darkness the new standard!

[This message has been edited by Agent31 (edited 08-22-1999).]

[Agent31]

WinZip.zip

[Kruzin]

Along the lines of winzip.zip...maybe not the funniest thing you'll see here, but it truely shows how stupid some webmasters are...

Last week, the boss picked up a used HP Designjet650c E-sized plotter. A few years old, but a very nice plotter. The office still runs many machines on Acad12 for DOS with 6.22 as the OS. Acad12 is for DOS only, and will not run on win9x at all. Many, many offices still run this kind of setup on at least some of their machines (just because the cost of upgrading/purchasing ACAD14 or 2000 is so high).

Anyway...I went to the HP site, and downloaded the drivers (from one of our 9x machines). I then transferred the file by floppy disk to the older DOS 6.22 based machine, and tried to unzip them.

Not. They had packaged the zip file with winzip, and DOS PKunzip would not open it. Hello? HP? It's for DOS ACAD. WTF are they doing winziping it?!?

Sorry...not a joke, just an observation

[SwAmPgIrL]

Ever get this error message during boot up with AMI bios:

"Keyboard not detected
Hit F1 to continue"

Sheeeeeeeeeeeeesh

SwAmPy

[M Ragsdale]

Okay here ya go:
Microsoft Works

[Buuri]

up

[Agent31]

oh god, here we go again...

[KvHagedorn]

The pellet with the poison's in the vessel with the pestle..
Th flagon with the dragon has the brew that is true.

Kind Regards,

KvH

[Agent31]

I like it, I'll have to remember that one KvH

[Slartibartfast]

Pestle... poison
Flagon... true brew

What about the chalice from the palace?

- Ash

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Portions of this message may have been Copyright 1999, Jorden van der Elst. All rights (and lefts) reserved.
------------------------
Specs? You want specs? Yeah. Alright you primitive screwheads, listen up. See this? This is my boomstick! It's a twelve gauge double barreled Remington, S-Mart's top-of-the-line. You can find this in the sporting goods department. That's right this sweet baby was made in Grand Rapids Michigan. Retails for about $109.95. It's got a walnut stock, cobalt blue steel and a hair trigger. That's right. Shop Smart. Shop S-mart. Ya got that?! Now I swear, the next one of you primates, even touches me...

[Arron]

Not too sure about some of these, but....


Dolphins are the only other animals to have sex for fun

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.

A snail can sleep for three years.

All polar bears are left handed.

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.

Cats urine glows under a black light.

China has more English speakers than the United States.

Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear any
pants.

Duelling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered
blood donors.

Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full
moon.

"I am" is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33. She
would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the
length of a normal human's neck.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line
would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.

In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.

In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Marilyn Monroe had six toes.

Michael Jordan receives more money from Nike annually than all of the
Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.

On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton
growers in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw
it as competition.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left
handed people do.

Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

Starfish haven't got brains.

Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for each
gallon of diesel that it burns.

The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet.

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they
start with.

The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to
right or right to left.

There are two credit cards for every person in the Unites States.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only
on one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a
poisonous spider.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

[Buuri]

WARNING! These are killers!

FOREIGN ENGLISH SIGNS

In a Tokyo Hotel: Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room: Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Leipzig elevator: Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit
up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing
floor.
If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of
wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator: Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens: Visitors are expected to complain at the office
between
the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job
of
the chambermaid.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers: Not to perambulate the corridors in
the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

On the menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup
with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef
rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

In a Hong Kong supermarket: For your convenience, we recommend courteous,
efficient self-service.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

In a Bangkok dry cleaner's: Drop your trousers here for best results.

Outside a Paris dress shop: Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop: Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we
will
execute customers in strict rotation.

Similarly, from the Soviet Weekly: There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts
by 15,000 Soviet Republic painters and sculptors. These were executed over
the
past two years.

In an East African newspaper: A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape
since
the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Zurich hotel: Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this
purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist: Teeth extracted by the latest
Methodists.

A translated sentence from a Russian chess book: A lot of water has been
passed
under the bridge since this variation has been played.

In a Rome laundry: Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency: Take one of our horse-driven city tours
-
we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride on your
own
ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom: To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong: Guaranteed to work
throughout
its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan: Stop: Drive Sideways.

In a Bangkok temple: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar: Special cocktails for the ladies with nuts.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge: Ladies are requested not to have children in
the bar.

In a Tokyo shop: Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are
best in the long run.

>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room,
please control yourself.

>From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave
in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he
still
obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:

- English well talking.
- Here speeching American.

[ALBPM]

And now for some important Y2K info

The makers of KY jelly have just announced that their product is Y2K
compliant. They have renamed the product Y2KY. It now allows you to insert 4
digits into your date where before you could only insert 2.

Thought you would like to be aware of this important information!

Paul

[Nuno]

Hehe, nice link. Anf If Alanis have bought a voodoo3?

"Why"

16 bit, 256x256 textures, cheesy agp
Why God, Why?
256x256 textures, whased out image quality, Voodoo3
Why God, Why?

What have I done to deserve this Glide horror?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of Voodoo3
Like a Shakespeare character, I'm wordy and alone
Why God, Why?

Overpriced, 16 bit, 4 years old tecnhology
Why God, Why?
Voodoo3, 4 years old tecnhology, cheesy agp
Why God, Why?

What have I done to deserve this Glide disaster that is my life?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of Voodoo3
Like a Shakespeare character, I'm wordy and alone
Why God, Why?

What have I done to deserve this Glide misery?
Surrounded on all sides with the Hell of Voodoo3
Like a Shakespeare character, I'm wordy and alone
Why God, Why?

Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?
Why God, Why?