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Rules to Live By
Being a monday my friends and I got a bit bored and filled our inboxes with crap today. Here's the result:
Rules to live by:
1. Don't cycle to work when you're still pissed from the night before.
2. Never, ever take your business cards out when you are on the piss.
3: Don't shit on your own doorstep
4: Do not whistle the theme tune to the muppets at work.
5: Don't take phonecalls when at work with a hangover unless it's on speaker and you have witnesses present. Remember: you have no record of what you agreed to.
6. When referring to another political party as the red/blue/yellow/insertrelevantcolourhere Filth, make sure that the office door is closed. One of their staff may be walking past.
7. If you're going to fart when alone in the lift, and there's a risk in might be a ponger, make sure that you get out before anyone else gets in. It's a little difficult trying to look like it wasn't you when you're alone. Of course, there is always the tactic of immediately saying "I dunno who was in this lift before me but it really stinks" if someone gets into the lift. But then you'd only be kidding yourself that this line wasn't COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT.
8. Always take your tie off before eating a sandwich. Especially if the tie is black, and the sandwich has lots of mayonnaise. Otherwise people will think you are an especially enthusiastic onanist.
9. If you're a bloke, don't flirt with the office homophobe. It really isn't pretty. Not sure if this applies to wimmin or not.
10. Do not pluck your nasal hair at your desk. People will notice.
11. Don't get involved in group emails when you have a lot on
12. Don't shake hands with someone you are being introduced to when you are in the middle of getting the last bits out of the yoghurt pot with your finger.
13. Never EVER allow anyone to see what is in the bottom drawer of your desk at work.
14. Don't tease the bloke with a wrapover about not having much hair.
15. Always wipe once more, just in case. You'll not regret it.
16. When your swimming trunks are getting a bit old and see-through, get some new ones. Other users of the pool will not regret it.
17. Observing rule 15 is even more important if you have forgotten rule 16.
18. When making a presentation, check BEFORE and not after that your shirt isn't sticking out of your flies.
19. ALWAYS zip up your flies in a careful, controlled manner.
20: Don't fart loudly in bed if you have eaten sweetcorn recently.
21. Never trust a ginger.
22. Having a few ginger facial hairs does not make you a Ginger.
23. In this order: Water/Milk/Remove Tea Bag
24. Disregard 23. Instead: Warm teapot. Add tea leaves. Add boiling water. Leave to stew. Put milk in cup. Pour tea into cup from pot through a strainer.
25. Things are not necessarily 'better' because they are labour intensive or old-fashioned.
26. Never steal more than 6 pads of post-notes at once. Ditto highlighter pens. There is no feasible excuse for this.
27. Always check the train of e-mails below when you are forwarding anything. It doesn't matter who you are sending it to.
786. Don't copy people in on a ridiculously long chain of emails if they are out of the office for the next week. They really won't thank you
787. The pleasure of deleting a long chain of emails sent while you were out of the office without reading them outweighs any inconvenience by a factor of 10.4
Rules to live by:
1. Don't cycle to work when you're still pissed from the night before.
2. Never, ever take your business cards out when you are on the piss.
3: Don't shit on your own doorstep
4: Do not whistle the theme tune to the muppets at work.
5: Don't take phonecalls when at work with a hangover unless it's on speaker and you have witnesses present. Remember: you have no record of what you agreed to.
6. When referring to another political party as the red/blue/yellow/insertrelevantcolourhere Filth, make sure that the office door is closed. One of their staff may be walking past.
7. If you're going to fart when alone in the lift, and there's a risk in might be a ponger, make sure that you get out before anyone else gets in. It's a little difficult trying to look like it wasn't you when you're alone. Of course, there is always the tactic of immediately saying "I dunno who was in this lift before me but it really stinks" if someone gets into the lift. But then you'd only be kidding yourself that this line wasn't COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT.
8. Always take your tie off before eating a sandwich. Especially if the tie is black, and the sandwich has lots of mayonnaise. Otherwise people will think you are an especially enthusiastic onanist.
9. If you're a bloke, don't flirt with the office homophobe. It really isn't pretty. Not sure if this applies to wimmin or not.
10. Do not pluck your nasal hair at your desk. People will notice.
11. Don't get involved in group emails when you have a lot on
12. Don't shake hands with someone you are being introduced to when you are in the middle of getting the last bits out of the yoghurt pot with your finger.
13. Never EVER allow anyone to see what is in the bottom drawer of your desk at work.
14. Don't tease the bloke with a wrapover about not having much hair.
15. Always wipe once more, just in case. You'll not regret it.
16. When your swimming trunks are getting a bit old and see-through, get some new ones. Other users of the pool will not regret it.
17. Observing rule 15 is even more important if you have forgotten rule 16.
18. When making a presentation, check BEFORE and not after that your shirt isn't sticking out of your flies.
19. ALWAYS zip up your flies in a careful, controlled manner.
20: Don't fart loudly in bed if you have eaten sweetcorn recently.
21. Never trust a ginger.
22. Having a few ginger facial hairs does not make you a Ginger.
23. In this order: Water/Milk/Remove Tea Bag
24. Disregard 23. Instead: Warm teapot. Add tea leaves. Add boiling water. Leave to stew. Put milk in cup. Pour tea into cup from pot through a strainer.
25. Things are not necessarily 'better' because they are labour intensive or old-fashioned.
26. Never steal more than 6 pads of post-notes at once. Ditto highlighter pens. There is no feasible excuse for this.
27. Always check the train of e-mails below when you are forwarding anything. It doesn't matter who you are sending it to.
786. Don't copy people in on a ridiculously long chain of emails if they are out of the office for the next week. They really won't thank you
787. The pleasure of deleting a long chain of emails sent while you were out of the office without reading them outweighs any inconvenience by a factor of 10.4