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Noah's Ark (joke)
Lifted and translated from some Slovenian forum
After some millennia God again looked upon the Earth. People became greedy, rotten and violent again. God decided to teach them a lesson and destroy most of them like during deluge.
He calls up Noah: "Again, like before, you will have to build an Ark from cedar. Make it four hundred fifty feet long, seventy-five feet wide, and forty-five feet high. I'll send a 2nd deluge to Earth because people haven't learned anything. You as usually take your family, daughters and sons in law, their children and from each land species two a male and female. You've got half a year's time."
Noah wasn't thrilled. Building the Ark, 40 days of bad weather, 150 days of seasickness, everything in crowded space with wife, no TV and Internet. But he was obedient to God and got down to business.
In precisely six months dark heavy clouds gathered and pouring rain started.
"Noah", cries God, "Where is the Ark?"
Noah faces the sky in tears and says: "Oh, my Lord, have mercy on me, you don't know what you have done to me!"
God again: "No kidding old man, where is the Ark?"
Noah then despairingly explains to God:
"1. First I took project documentation with all 34 needed permits to local bureau to get build permit.
2. They were sure I want to build a nutty sheep shed. They disagreed with everything, especially that this would be a boat.
3. They didn't know what a foot was, so I had to dearly pay to architect to make a new plan in metric system.
4. Once they found out, this is really a boat, it was immediately rejected as shipbuilding is forbidden in urban areas.
5. I found another appropriate sot but there were new setbacks. First there was fire safety. Where are fireproof doors, where are extinguishers, etc...? The more I was explaining there will be more than enough water, the more suspicious they were. At the end men in white coats took me to mental asylum.
6. After thorough psychiatric examination the local bureau said I can build the Ark but they will take no responsibility for transport to nearest water. I must not count on their favours as their head officer has recently been replaces.
7. After a day someone from same bureau called me and explained that we now have nice e-government which is very much in tune with wishes of citizens and that I can even get European funding for new shipyards. The only problem is I need to apply in 8 originals in 4 copies, three official EU languages with stamps that translations equal originals, that I wasn't convicted, that I'm not in criminal procedure... Because Lebanon Cedar is endangered species, EU is forbidding imports. So thus I stopped searching for prime grade cedar wood.
8. I tried to replace Cedar with common pine tree. With bail I barely evaded incarceration because of forbidden activity in Triglav national park. When I explained to them that soon there won't be a National park, they took me to Mental Asylum for the 2nd time.
9. Finally I found trees to cut, I tried making a deal with lumberjacks but they only looked with disdain. Where is collective contract, additional tariffs, where there are comparable conditions to state workers, where are our rights. At the end they said: OK let's do it without all of those but our hourly wage is 30 EUR, cash on hand in advance. They convinced bureau that such living of animals is cruel, against their habits and
10. In the mean time I was gathering animals. At least two ants I managed to keep alive. Then as Dalailama I tried convincing two wolves and two sheep that they have in higher interest live in peace and understanding. After they finally agreed, the Society for animal protection (like PETA) applied as party of interest in procedure. They convinced local bureau that such abiding by animals is cruel and against their interests.
11. I thought I was out of the worst, when higher court rejected complaint of PETA because they forgot to pay €5,67 of administrative tax (ha ha ha), then another letter from ministry of transport came. They said they will fine me because my vehicle for animal transport is not in accord with three EU directives. Presently I managed to 23d page of form and I really don't know which religion the animals are affiliated with. Would you my dear God know, that animals with horns must not be transported during mating season. Goats, bulls, asses, horses, dogs don't have have horns they have teeth, there are also deer and male zebras who mate whole year long. How can I solve all this.
12. Since rabbits are source of infectious diseases I have to comply with 43-45 different EU regulations, specially for domestic and specially for wild rabbits.
13. Can you please sort out that Ark sails under Liberian, St. Vincent or Granada flag because otherwise Croatians will not let me through.
14. Even more I plead to get the diehards from Greenpeace out of my way. They claim that not a single animal dropping must pollute the Ocean.
My Lord, first time it went relatively without problems but this time I'm asking for permission to take to Ark at least my lawyer, president of anti corruption commission, human rights ombudsman (and also new head of local bureau - he's short and doesn't eat much).
Few minutes passed, the clouds separated, sun shone on wet ground.
Noah asked in wonder: "Oh Lord, are you not going to destroy us?"
To this God replied: "No, Noah, no need. This in my place will be done by your government, state bureaucracy and European Union."
After some millennia God again looked upon the Earth. People became greedy, rotten and violent again. God decided to teach them a lesson and destroy most of them like during deluge.
He calls up Noah: "Again, like before, you will have to build an Ark from cedar. Make it four hundred fifty feet long, seventy-five feet wide, and forty-five feet high. I'll send a 2nd deluge to Earth because people haven't learned anything. You as usually take your family, daughters and sons in law, their children and from each land species two a male and female. You've got half a year's time."
Noah wasn't thrilled. Building the Ark, 40 days of bad weather, 150 days of seasickness, everything in crowded space with wife, no TV and Internet. But he was obedient to God and got down to business.
In precisely six months dark heavy clouds gathered and pouring rain started.
"Noah", cries God, "Where is the Ark?"
Noah faces the sky in tears and says: "Oh, my Lord, have mercy on me, you don't know what you have done to me!"
God again: "No kidding old man, where is the Ark?"
Noah then despairingly explains to God:
"1. First I took project documentation with all 34 needed permits to local bureau to get build permit.
2. They were sure I want to build a nutty sheep shed. They disagreed with everything, especially that this would be a boat.
3. They didn't know what a foot was, so I had to dearly pay to architect to make a new plan in metric system.
4. Once they found out, this is really a boat, it was immediately rejected as shipbuilding is forbidden in urban areas.
5. I found another appropriate sot but there were new setbacks. First there was fire safety. Where are fireproof doors, where are extinguishers, etc...? The more I was explaining there will be more than enough water, the more suspicious they were. At the end men in white coats took me to mental asylum.
6. After thorough psychiatric examination the local bureau said I can build the Ark but they will take no responsibility for transport to nearest water. I must not count on their favours as their head officer has recently been replaces.
7. After a day someone from same bureau called me and explained that we now have nice e-government which is very much in tune with wishes of citizens and that I can even get European funding for new shipyards. The only problem is I need to apply in 8 originals in 4 copies, three official EU languages with stamps that translations equal originals, that I wasn't convicted, that I'm not in criminal procedure... Because Lebanon Cedar is endangered species, EU is forbidding imports. So thus I stopped searching for prime grade cedar wood.
8. I tried to replace Cedar with common pine tree. With bail I barely evaded incarceration because of forbidden activity in Triglav national park. When I explained to them that soon there won't be a National park, they took me to Mental Asylum for the 2nd time.
9. Finally I found trees to cut, I tried making a deal with lumberjacks but they only looked with disdain. Where is collective contract, additional tariffs, where there are comparable conditions to state workers, where are our rights. At the end they said: OK let's do it without all of those but our hourly wage is 30 EUR, cash on hand in advance. They convinced bureau that such living of animals is cruel, against their habits and
10. In the mean time I was gathering animals. At least two ants I managed to keep alive. Then as Dalailama I tried convincing two wolves and two sheep that they have in higher interest live in peace and understanding. After they finally agreed, the Society for animal protection (like PETA) applied as party of interest in procedure. They convinced local bureau that such abiding by animals is cruel and against their interests.
11. I thought I was out of the worst, when higher court rejected complaint of PETA because they forgot to pay €5,67 of administrative tax (ha ha ha), then another letter from ministry of transport came. They said they will fine me because my vehicle for animal transport is not in accord with three EU directives. Presently I managed to 23d page of form and I really don't know which religion the animals are affiliated with. Would you my dear God know, that animals with horns must not be transported during mating season. Goats, bulls, asses, horses, dogs don't have have horns they have teeth, there are also deer and male zebras who mate whole year long. How can I solve all this.
12. Since rabbits are source of infectious diseases I have to comply with 43-45 different EU regulations, specially for domestic and specially for wild rabbits.
13. Can you please sort out that Ark sails under Liberian, St. Vincent or Granada flag because otherwise Croatians will not let me through.
14. Even more I plead to get the diehards from Greenpeace out of my way. They claim that not a single animal dropping must pollute the Ocean.
My Lord, first time it went relatively without problems but this time I'm asking for permission to take to Ark at least my lawyer, president of anti corruption commission, human rights ombudsman (and also new head of local bureau - he's short and doesn't eat much).
Few minutes passed, the clouds separated, sun shone on wet ground.
Noah asked in wonder: "Oh Lord, are you not going to destroy us?"
To this God replied: "No, Noah, no need. This in my place will be done by your government, state bureaucracy and European Union."