The New Weakly Joke Thread (Miss-Spelled Intentionally)

[Schattenreiter]

Here comes an very old joke:
----------

Famed fictional detective Sherlock Holmes and his gruff assistant Doctor Watson pitch their tent while on a camping expedition, but in the middle of the night Holmes nudges Watson awake and questions him.

HOLMES: Watson, look up at the stars and tell me what you deduce.

WATSON: I see millions of stars, and if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it is quite likely there are some planets like earth, and if there are a few planets like earth out there there might also be life.

HOLMES: Watson, you idiot! Somebody stole our tent.

[Schattenreiter]

Fast thinking!

A wealthy husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that??"

"Oh,"replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce."

"I can understand that, " replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities or Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim? "asks the wife.
That's his mistress," says her husband. "Ours is prettier," she replies.

[Schattenreiter]

Something very gross! Don´t read if youre catholic!

A woman gets out of the shower, wraps a towel around herself, and the phone rings. She answers the phone and while she's talking, the towel falls off. Her young son comes into the room and points at her private area and says, "mommy mommy, whats that thing?" She says, "umm that's my sponge Jonny". Her son runs off and plays.

A few weeks later, after surgery that required her pubic hair to be shaved off. The woman gets out of the shower and wraps a towel around herself, and the phone rings. She answers the phone and while she's talking, the towel falls off. Her young son comes into the room and points to her private area and says, "mommy mommy Where's your sponge?" She says, "umm I lost it Jonny". He runs off saying "I'll find it mommy, I'll find it."

A few minutes later, little Jonny comes running up to her screaming " I found your sponge mommy, I found your sponge". Puzzled she says, "where is it Jonny".
" The maids' upstairs washing daddys' face with it".

[Schattenreiter]

Long one

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy
named "Clint", and brought him back to their
camp to meet the chief. The chief says to
Clint, "You going to die, white man. But we sorry for
you, so give you one wish a day for three
days. On sundown third day, you die white man.
What is first wish?"

Clint says, "I want to see my horse." The
Indians get his horse. Clint grabs the
horse's ear and whispers something, then
slaps the horse on the ass. The horse
takes off. Two hours later, the horse
comes back with a naked blonde. She
jumps off the horse and goes into the
teepee with Clint.

The Indians look at each other, figuring,
"Typical white man - can only think of one
thing." The second day, the chief says,
"What your wish today?"

Clint says, "I want to see my horse again."
The Indians bring him his horse. Clint
leans over to the horse and whispers
something in the horse's ear, then slaps it
on the ass. Two hours later, the horse
comes back with a naked redhead. She
gets off and goes in the teepee with the
Clint. The Indians shake their heads,
figuring, "Typical white man - going to die
tomorrow and can only think of one
thing."

The last day comes, and the chief says,
"This your last wish, white man. What you
want?" Clint says, "I want to see my horse
again." The Indians bring him his horse.
Clint grabs the horse by both ears, twists
them hard and yells, "Read my lips!
POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!"

[Schattenreiter]

Somethin´ irish...

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few. "

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[impact]

http://www.kelleys.org/fatass/

[Strahd]

Love the balcony railing.

[Dogbert]

there's more where that came from:

http://www.kelleys.org/jesus/

[Strahd]

Thanks Greebe, that's what I figured.

A man on a construction site 30 floors up had to
go to the bathroom. He approached his foreman
and told him that he was going down to use the
facilities.


The foreman told him he was crazy. By the time
he got down and back he’d lose a half hour
of time.


The foreman pushed a plank out over the edge of
the building. He stood on one end and told the
guy to go out on the other end and pee off.


He told the man that they were 30 floors up and
that his piss would turn into vapor before it
reached the bottom.


So the guy decided to take his advice.


Suddenly the foreman's cell phone rang and he
jumped off the board to get it, allowing the
peeing man to fall to his death!


At the inquest an electrician who was working
on the 27th floor was asked if he knew what
happened. "Not really, but I think it had
something to do with sex."


The coroner said, "Sex, why do you think it had
something to do with sex?"


The electrician replied, "I saw the man falling
with his dick in his hand screaming, ‘Where did
that cocksucker go!’ "

[Dr Mordrid]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern.

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see this...two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen! They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.

This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling, "Ohhhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, still watching, thinks "that was truly amazing, he was going like a train! I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass, he says to them, "That was something else, you must have been having sex for about forty minutes! How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret." the old man says. "Fifty years ago that damn fence wasn't electric."

Dr. Mordrid

[Dilitante1]

As a Maine trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers his window and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

Then the truck stops for another red light, the blonde catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up to the truck and knocks on the door.
Again the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath the blonde gets out of her can runs up to the truck, and knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers his window. Again she says "Hi my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load! "

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, runs back to the blonde.

He knocks on her window and as she lowers it, He says...
" Hi, My name is Kevin, it's winter in Maine and I'm driving the salt truck"

[Dilitante1]

Two strangers are sitting adjacent on an airplane. One says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about Nuclear Power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of
dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know sh*t?"

[Dilitante1]

From Santa............................................

To: All Concerned
From: Santa Claus

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer serve the states of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, North and South
Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the
earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I
also get longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.

However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin,
Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and
girls; however, there are a few differences between us.

Differences such as:

1) There is no danger of the Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper
sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2) Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds (or a moon pie) on the
fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.

3) Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a
couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4) You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On
Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."

5) "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by, "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"

6) As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with
the words, "Back Off."

7) The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your
negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt
Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

And Finally,
8) Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends
over to put presents under the tree.

Sincerely Yours,

Santa Claus

Member of North American
Fairies and Elves, Union 1225

[DGhost]

Time for another blonde joke!

Now then, before any blondes are offended by this, i must confess that I too have blonde hair. that being said, there is quite a difference between having blonde hair and being blonde, and i don't think most blondes could be offended by most blonde jokes... can't argue with the truth after all :P

Annyways...

Q) What did the blondes left ankle say to the right ankle?

A) Nothing! They've never met!

[Evildead666]

http://gaslight.mtroyal.ab.ca/gaslight/haunters.htm

I have read this many times.
From the 1800's, and still very good.



p.s. Not a joke. Chilling story. he he he.......