Patrick : TOTALLY OT

[Brian Ellis]

Adam and Eve
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God.
"Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like
to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he's aroused, but since you've been complaining, I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs.

"He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great." says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"Well... you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring... So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first.
Just remember, it's our little secret...
...you know - woman to woman."

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Brian (the terrible)

Apologies to any ladies reading this!

[This message has been edited by Brian Ellis (edited 24 July 2000).]

[Patrick]

Hey Brian, I thought for sure there'd be a punch line about Digital8 camcorders in there somewhere. (Ummm, inside joke folks.)

By the way Brian, why would the ladies be offended by anything in your post? I think they'd love it!

[Brian Ellis]

Well, Patrick, I was reading a serious anthropological study, borrowed from a library, of events in a Cypriot village recently. A previous reader was obviously a bra-burning feminist who had ringed everything she had construed as sexist. Some rich examples:
- "rape by men in the Turkish army" - had an annotation "heard of rape by women?"
- "The men and women of the village ..." - "men" was ringed
- "mankind" used in the context of all humans was ringed and annotated "lie"
and so on. Since then, I have tried to be as politically correct about feminism as I could. After all, we men KNOW we are superior (even those who use D8


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Brian (the terrible)

[Railie]

Hello.
Women is nearly superior too. Only thing, that I miss is switch ON/OFF. But I seek it.

This story on the top is good Brian.

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Sorry for my poor English. Railie

[Patrick]

For heaven's sakes, don't encourage him!!!

Railie, just so you know, women in Canada are built the same way as women in the Czech Republic. No ON/OFF switches!

[Railie]

Oh Patrick this is very sad.
Now I see that moving to Canada can not help me. Maybe some patch? Something like YUY2-enable.
I continue with searching. It is heavy job, but I can do it for poeple.(last sentence I loan from politicians from my country)

Railie

[peterclifton]

In a similar vein........

An old man goes to the doctors and says. "Doctor, I'm terribly worried about my wife, several times I've asked her a question and have not received an answer, I think she might be going deaf. However I'm too embarrassed to ask her directly if this is the problem."

The doctor replies "Not to worry, go home and wait until your wife is facing away from you and you are standing someway back, then ask her a simple question, if she doesn't answer, keep moving closer, repeating the question until she does. Then you will know how severe the problem is, I can then work out the best course of action to help your wife."

Happy the man returns home, on entering the front door, he sees his wife in the kitchen doing the washing up, she has her back to him so he asks "What's for dinner love?"

No answer.

He then moves a few steps closer and asks "Whats for dinner love?"

No answer.

He takes a few more steps closer and asks "Whats for dinner love?"

Still no answer.

Finally he moves within a foot or two of his wife and asks "Whats for dinner love?"

He then hears "For the fourth time it's fish and chips!"

[Brian Ellis]

Railie

The OFF switch is called a headache and is a more or less permanent condition but which appears only when the man is close by (the closer he is, the worse the headache).

The ON switch is NOT an aspirin, as one might imagine.

However, after 41 years of marriage, I have found that the OFF switch turns the vocal cords ON, especially if there is a particularly interesting thing on the goggle-box, such as motor-racing, but one is not permitted to turn the TV sound up to drown her out, because it makes her headache worse.

In other words, women are a lose-lose situation, especially if you give them a credit card, when they become lose-lose-lose.

(Just joking, Margaret. Of course I love you)

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Brian (the terrible)

[GinoCyber]

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are beautiful

Ciao

[This_Idiot]

Gee, I think it's bad form to drag Swampy into the thread.

Re Women, it's important to realise that although they don't have a single on/off switch, most of their functions can be disabled individually by innovative reg hacks. In the best tradition of viruses, needless to say these have to be constantly updated to deal with the latest tricks. The easiest switch is the sex response - this one is so fragile that it can frequently be triggered inadverdantly, and it can take multiple reboots over a prolonged period of time to reset this switch.

The Shopping switch has a tendency to stick in the "on" position, and the usual remedy for this is to a) remove all credit cards OR b) hide the purse.

The Mouth switch is the trickiest of the lot. In dire need, you can use a direct insult to reduce the effect to a remote muttering, but this has to be carefully judged or it can result in enhanced volume in conjunction with the throwing reflex. An even better ploy in dire circumstance (motorsport on TV for instance) is to declare that you have "found" the purse, at which point the shopping switch bounces to "on", quiet afternoon syndrome ensues, and there is even a possibility of the Sex switch resetting (hopefully later on in the evening when the sport on TV has finished).

Boy am I glad that Moira doesn't read this forum

[Brian Ellis]

While clearing up the piles of paper accumulating on my office floor, I found this this little aphorism:

While Adam slept,
Eve from his side arose:
Strange his first sleep
Should be his last repose.
(Anon. The Consequence)

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Brian (the terrible)

[Railie]

One man speaking to another.
"Hey, for what reason you are missing on yesterday hockey match?"
"Because my wife forbid it me."
"Make it like I - lift her skirt and smack her. Then go to the hockey"
Next day is all the same.
"Hey you do not obey me?"
"Oh yes, I lift her skirt and...
and decided that in the home is fine too"

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Uff my English is bad. Ihope that you uderstand me(correct me). Railie

[Frankie G]

No, the English fits that joke just fine, all it needs
is an "eh?" every so often and they'll be like
from "da U.P.", eh?