Adam & Eve

[Pooh]

One day as god was almost finished handing out his little bag of goodies he said to Adam & Eve that he had only two items left and that they could each have one.

God asks who wants to be able to pee standing up and almost before the words had finished leaving his mouth Adam jumps to his feet and shouts "Me!! Me!!".

God duly obliges and gives Adam the ability to pee standing up.

God then turns to Eve and says " Well Eve, I guess that leaves you with the multiple orgasms."


[This message has been edited by Pooh (edited 28 July 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Pooh (edited 28 July 2000).]

[Dr Mordrid]

A blonde went to her mail box several times
before it was even time for the mailman
to make his rounds.

A neighbor noticed her repeated trips to
the curb and asked if she was waiting for
a special delivery.

Her reply was: "My computer keeps telling
me, 'You've got mail...'

[Dr Mordrid]

Womens English;

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry

We need it = I want it

It's your decision = The correct choice should be obvious by now; mine!

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later bubba

We need to talk = I need to complain, a lot!

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs and just took off my makeup

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house, cookware, dishes, dining room set....

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, wallpaper....

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something very expensive

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're going to hate

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me and shut up

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're already dead meat]

[Pooh]

A blonde was sitting in 1st class on a flight from London to New York.

During the flight it came to the attention of the cabin crew that this lady did not have a 1st class ticket so they asked her to move to the economy section of the plane. She was adamant that she would not suffer the humiliation of having to move to economy and point blank refused to budge.

After an hour or so of trying to reason with this passenger and on the point of giving up, the senior steward went to the cockpit and advised the Captain of the problem.

The Captain thanked the steward and told him that he was in fact married to a blonde and would go and sort the problem.

Handing control to the 1st Officer the Captain made his way back to the 1st Class section and whispered in the blonde's ear at which point she jumped out of her chair and moved swiftly to the economy section mumbling something about " why didn't anybody say so"

Puzzled, the Chief Stewart asked the Captain what he had said. " I told her that the 1st Class section wasn't going to New York."

[dchip]

Heres one from the finance industry:

A frog goes into a bank and approaches a teller. He can see from her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack. So he says, "Ms.Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."

Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to borrow.The frog says $30,000. The teller asks his name and the frog says that his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.

Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that he will need to secure some collateral against the loan. She asks if he has anything he can use as collateral.The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall, bright
pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to consult with the manager and then disappears into a back office. She finds the manager and says,"There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know
you and wants to borrow $30,000. He wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"

(Are you ready ???)

(you can't get ready for this)

(ok, here goes....)

The bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack, Patti Whack,
Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone".

[Pooh]

What's the difference between a bat marksman and a constipated owl.

A bad marksman shoots but can't hit

A constipated owl ..............

[Biker]

Hi Guys

Just had to post this one - it seems appropriate to most of this thread!


A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither
of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says,
"So you're a man; that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow,
just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we
are unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends
and live together in peace for the rest of our days."
Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"
"This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle.
My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't
break.
Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man.

The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the
bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on,
and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

Moral of the story:
Women are clever bitches. Don't mess with them.

------------------

[Patrick]

Oooooo Biker, you're a very, very bitter guy...

[Brian Ellis]

Patrick

How about moving from MCP sexism to racism?

POEM BY AN AFRICAN MAN

DEAR WHITE FELLA,
COUPLA THINGS YOU SHOULD KNOW
WHEN I BORN, I BLACK
WHEN I GROW UP, I BLACK
WHEN I GO IN SUN, I BLACK
WHEN I COLD, I BLACK
WHEN I SCARED, I BLACK
WHEN I SICK, I BLACK
AND WHEN I DIE, I STILL BLACK
AND YOU WHITE FELLA,
WHEN YOU BORN, YOU PINK
WHEN YOU GROW UP, YOU WHITE
WHEN YOU GO IN SUN, YOU RED
WHEN YOU COLD, YOU BLUE
WHEN YOU SCARED, YOU YELLOW
WHEN YOU SICK, YOU GREEN
WHEN YOU DIE, YOU GRAY.
AND YOU CALLING ME COLOURED??



------------------
Brian (the terrible)