OT: Fun Thread of da week!!

[GinoCyber]

1- A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, "PULLOVER!"
"NO," the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"

2- The executive was interviewing a young blonde for a position in his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked, "If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would it be?" The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."

3- A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American said, "We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! you'll burn up!" said the Russian. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"

4- A police officer stops a blond for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"

5- A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

6- A guy walks into a post office one day to see a paunchy, middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts liberally spraying
scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, the guy goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the guy. "I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.


Can we liven up this place abit? It's starting to get populated by suits

Ciao

[DrMordrid]

Those are just plain bad..;-))

Fishin Terms:

Catch and Release - A conservation motion that happens most often right before the local Fish and Game officer pulls over a boat that has caught over it's limit.

Hook - (1) A curved piece of metal used to catch fish. (2) A clever advertisement to entice a fisherman to spend his life savings on a new rod and reel. (3) The punch administered by said fisherman's wife after he spends their life savings (see also, Right Hook, Left Hook).

Line - Something you give your coworkers when they ask on Monday how your fishing went the past weekend.

Lure - An object that is semi-enticing to fish, but will drive an angler into such a frenzy that he will charge his credit card to the limit before exiting the tackle shop.

Reel - A weighted object that causes a rod to sink quickly when dropped overboard.

Rod - An attractively painted length of fiberglass that keeps an angler from ever getting too close to a fish.

School - A grouping in which fish are taught to avoid your $29.99 lures and hold out for spam instead.

Tackle - What your last catch did to you as you reeled him in, but just before he wrestled free and jumped back overboard.

Tackle Box - A box shaped alarmingly like your comprehensive first aid kit. Only a tackle box contains so many sharp objects that when you reach in the wrong box blindly to get a Band Aid, you soon find that you need more than just one.

Test - (1) The amount of strength a fishing line affords an angler when fighting fish in a specific weight range. (2) A measure of your creativity in blaming "that d**n line" for once again losing the fish.

Dr. Mordrid



[This message has been edited by DrMordrid (edited 09-24-1999).]

[This_Idiot]

Hehehe

Very cute !

Doc, another one to add to your fishing list:

Boat - a hole in the water surrounded by wood into which one pours money.

Geno, I'm just hoping that Swampy isn't a blonde or we might all just be turning "flame red"

[SwAmPlAdY]

Howdy. What are you doing up early in the wee hours?

I'm not a blonde, just an old spunky gal. What do you call something that's long and hard for an Italian?

Grade school

SwAmPy

[DrMordrid]

#1:

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

#2:

Windows 98 ......
a 64 bit file system patch on a
32 bit extension and a graphical shell for a
16 bit patch to an
8 bit operating system originally coded for a
4 bit microprocessor, written by a
2 bit company, that can't stand
1 bit of competition.

#3:

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono,she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho,she'd be Bo Ho.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, (hey! it's the '90's!), he'd be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop Doggy Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced him to marry Kenny G., he'd be G. Ghali G.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener (mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he'd be Woody Wood Peck Hur.

If Dolly Parton married Tommy Smothers, then went even further back in show business and married Mr. Lucky, then divorced and married Martin Short, then divorced and married football kicker Ray Guy, we could all nod understandingly when we heard, "Dolly Parton Smothers Lucky Short Guy."

Dr. Mordrid


[This message has been edited by DrMordrid (edited 09-24-1999).]

[Brian Ellis]

What do you call a creature with just one brain cell?
A blonde

What do you call a creature with two brain cells?
A pregnant blonde

When does a guy run into hard luck?
When he finds a box of Viagra pills in the street.

When does another guy run into hard luck?
When he buys a Matrox Marvel in the local computer store (sorry, folks: couldn't resist a dig - just joking!)

A guy was pulled over for speeding after ignoring the cop for 25 kilometres and going ever faster, topping 175 km/h in a town chase. The cop came over to him and said: "Look, Mister, I don't really want to book you: I hate doing the paperwork. If you can give me an excuse I've never heard before, I'll let you off with a warning." The driver replied, "I'm sorry, I thought you were the cop who ran off with my wife last week and you were trying to give her back to me!"

------------------
Brian (the terrible)

[This message has been edited by Brian Ellis (edited 09-24-1999).]

[This message has been edited by Brian Ellis (edited 09-24-1999).]

[A_BIT]

A man boards an airplane, and takes his seat. As
he settles in, he glances up and sees the most beautiful
woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes
she is heading straight towards his seat. A wave of
nervous anticipation washes over him. Lo and behold,
she takes the seat right beside his.
Anxious to strike up a conversation, he blurts out,
"So where are you flying to today?"

She turns and smiles, and says, "To the annual
Nymphomaniac Convention, in Chicago,"

He swallows hard, and is instantly CRAZED with
excitement. Here's the most gorgeous woman
he has ever seen, sitting RIGHT next to him,
and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his outward cool, he calmly
asks, "And what's your role at this convention?"

She flips her hair back, turns to him, locks onto
his eyes, and says, "Well, I try to debunk some
of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really" he says, swallowing hard. "And what myths
are those?"

She explains: "Well, one popular myth is that
African American men are the most well-endowed
when, in fact, it is the Native American Indian who is
most likely to possess this trait. Another popular
myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers,
when actually it is men of Jewish descent who romance
women best, on average."

"How very interesting," the man responds.

Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed, and
blushes. I'm sorry," she says, "I feel so awkward
discussing this with you, and I don't even know
your name."

The man extends his hand and replies, "Tonto.
Tonto Goldstein."

[DrMordrid]

A few years into a marriage filled with constant arguments, a young man and his beautiful wife decided their last chance of avoiding a bitter divorce was counseling.

When they arrived at the counselor`s office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the discussion; "What seems to be the problem?"

Immediately the husband looked down at the floor with nothing to say. The wife, with rage in her eyes, began talking 90 miles an hour describing all their marital woes.

After 30 minutes of listening to the wife, the counselor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, made passionate love to her on the floor and then sat her back down.

The wife was now speechless and had a look of total bliss on her face.

The counselor looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened. He then spoke to the husband; "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here every Tuesday and Thursday."

Dr. Mordrid



[This message has been edited by DrMordrid (edited 09-25-1999).]

[Brian Ellis]

The plane had just taken off when a man with 4 stripes on his uniform arm appeared on the video screens and announced:

Ladies and Gentlemen, at this point you usually have an announcement by the captain. Well, congratulations, you are on the inaugural flight of the new, computerised piloting of an aircraft. We have no crew on the flight deck and no pilot on this plane. You will be landing at JFK in just five hours. However, we should like to assure you that nothing can go wrong... go wrong .... go wrong... go (as the image slowly fades into snow).

[Obviously, captured by Marvel and edited by Avid, to bring it back to on-topic]

------------------
Brian (the terrible)

[Pooh]

>Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a
>neighbouring kingdom.
>
>The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful
>happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very
>difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer;
>if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.
>
>The question was: What do women really want?
>
>Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to
>young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query.
>
>Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's
>proposition to have an answer by year's end. He returned to his kingdom
>and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests,
>the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one
>could give him a satisfactory answer.
>
>What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she
>would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was
>famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
>
>The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk
>to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept
>her price first:
>
>The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the
>Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
>
>Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had
>only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He
>had never run across such a repugnant creature.
>
>He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a
>burden.
>
>Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him
>that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the
>preservation of the Round Table.
>
>Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's
>question:
>
>What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.
>
>Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that
>Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch
>spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.
>
>What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief
>and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old
>witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched
>and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
>
>The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific
>night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful
>woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what
>had happened.
>
>The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been
>a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the
>other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self.
>
>Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
>
>What a cruel question? Gawain began to think of his predicament:
>
>During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night,
>in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer
>having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy
>many intimate moments?
>
>What would you do?
>
>What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own
>choice.
>..
>..
>..
>..
>
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>..
>
>..
>..Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon
>hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time,
>because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
>
>And the moral of this story?
>
>THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY OR UGLY,
>UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH