Does this remind you of anyone?

[mragsdale]

Here are some funnies about retartded people I picked up by EMAIL...Good start for the weekend.>> Ever need to give a referral but don't know quite how to word it? Try
>> these.
>> "Quotes" [allegedly] taken from actual Federal (US) employee performance
>> evaluations...
>> "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has
>> started to dig."
>> "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity"
>> "I would not allow this employee to breed"
>> "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a
>> definite won't be"
>> "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
>> trap"
>> "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet"
>> "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle"
>> "This young lady has delusions of adequacy"
>> "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
>> them"
>> "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot"
>> "This employee should go far, and the sooner the better"
>> "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together"
>> "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus"
>> "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless"
>> "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier"
>> "I would like to go hunting with him sometime"
>> "He's been working with glue too much"
>> "He would argue with a signpost"
>> "He has knack for making strangers immediately"
>> "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room"
>> "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell"
>> "If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one"
>> "A photographic memory but with the cap over the lens"
>> "A prime candidate for natural deselection"
>> "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it"
>> "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming"
>> "Has 2 brains, one is lost, the other is out looking for it"
>> "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week"
>> "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change"
>> "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean"
>> "One neuron short of a synapse"
>> "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled"
>> "Takes him 12 hours to watch 60 Minutes"
>> "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead"
>
Matt



------------------
Yes, I am serious and don't call me Shirley

[ALBPM]

Speaking of which here are some quotes from Dan Quayle

--------------------------
> "I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -- J. Danforth Quayle

> "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." -- J. Danforth Quayle

> "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child."-- Vice President Dan Quayle

> "Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

> "Mars is essentially in the same orbit... Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals,we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

> "What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

> (Attempting to quote the United Negro College Fund's motto, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."

> "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history.

> But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/15/88

> "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy - but that could change." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/22/89

> "One word sums up probablythe responsibility of any vice president, an that one word is 'to be prepared'." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

> "May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world." -- The Quayles' 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy, though!]

> "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

> "We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

> "I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good judgements in the Future." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

> "The future will be better tomorrow." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

> "We're going to have the best-educated American people in the world." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

> "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

> "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

> "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

> "Public speaking is very easy." -- Vice President Dan Quayle to reporters in 10/88

> "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

> "I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

> "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

> "When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., My answer has been direct and simple: Who is toblame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

> "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in Esquire, 8/92)

> "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

> "For NASA, space is still a high priority."
-- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/5/90

> "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." -- Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

> "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that Dan Quail may or may not make." --Vice President Dan Quayle

> "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." --Vice President Dan Quayle

> "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

> "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." -- Vice President Dan Quayle

Paul

[motub]

Cool, but my favorite is still the Brooke Shields quote from the hearings on her anti-smoking PSAs. You might remember the furor over the fact that she had done these soft-core movies like "Pretty Baby" and "Blue Lagoon" so she was considered to be a poor role-model.

So she goes to these hearings and says that she's a good role-model for teens against smoking because she (was, at that time) a teen, and she was against smoking "because smoking can kill you. And if you're killed, you lose a very important part of your life."

I'm still looking for the *un*important part of your life that you get to keep...

Holly

[This message has been edited by motub (edited 07-09-99).]