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**Ghydda** · 26 July 1999, 22:39

Nice one Steve

How about this one:

Confessions

A Nun gets on a bus, sits behind the driver,
and tells him that she needs someone to talk to.
The bus driver says, "Well sister, you can talk to me."
She then informs him that she wants to have sex but she
can't with a married man because it is a sin.
The driver then says, "Well, I'm not married."
The nun studied him over carefully and then agreedto have sex with the man.
Seeing that they were the only two on the busthey pulled over to do there thing.
Before they got started the nun said
"I have to take it in the ass because I must die a virgin"
This was of course fine with the driver.
After they were done and the driver resumed driving he said,
"Sister, I have a confession to make, I'm married with 3 children."
The nun then said, "That's ok, I have a confession to make also,
my name is Bruce and I'm on my way to a costume party."

Or this one:

First time...

It's your firtst time. As you lie back your
muscles tighten. You put him off for a while
searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're affraid and you shake your
head bravely. He has had more experience,
but it's the first time his finger has found
the right place. He probes deeply and you
shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle
like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells
you to trust him he's done this many times
before. His cool smile relaxes you and you
open wider to give him more room for an easy
entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to
hurry, but he slowly takes his time, waiting
to cause you as little pain as possible.

As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel
the tissue give way; pain surges throughout
your body and you feel the sligt trickle of
blood as he continues.

He looks at you concerned and asks you if
it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with
teares but you shake your head and nod for
him to go on. He begins moving in and out
with skil but you are too numb to feel him
within you.

After a few frenzied moments, you feel
something bursting within you and he pulls
it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have
it over.

He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells
you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist.
After all, it was you first time to have a
tooth pulled.

Just what did you think we were talking about.....

Keep 'em cum.. eh coming...

Ghydda

------------------
A slowly desintegrating nobody with an AMD K6-2 350@3.5x110 on a ASUS P5A with 256MB Memorycard PC100, Adaptec 2940UW, Adaptec 2904CD, 3 SCSI HD, JVC Cooking gear, Plextor 40Max, SBlive Value SBLive with homemade S/PDIF I/O-card and last but not least - Matrox Marvel G200 16MB SD

Only thing missing: NCR Microwave Bank

**Cauldron** · 27 July 1999, 00:22

Heres a good one I heard...

Illegal bottle of Viagra: $69
Cheap Hotel Room: $50
Matrox Millennium G400MAX: $250
8ball of coke: $500
A lady of the evening: $2000(the high class goods )
The look on your teenage son's face waking up next to a dead hooker: priceless
There are some things money can't buy for everything else theres Mastercard

**Jammrock** · 27 July 1999, 00:37

A priest, a rabbi and a bishop walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and yell, "what the hell is this, the start of some joke?"

Jammrock

**jsb** · 27 July 1999, 00:49

1. What do jello and a woman have in common?
They both wiggle when you eat them.

2. What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

3. What do women and condoms have in common?
They both spend more time in your wallet than on your penis.

4. What do you call two skunks that are 69ing?
Odor eaters

5. What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotopuss

6. Why do men name their penis?
They like to be on a first name basis with the one making most of
their decisions.

7. What is the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?
Snowballs.

8. What does a rooster have that a man wants?
A hard pecker.

9. What kind of bees give milk?
Boo bees

10. What do gay men refer to hemorrhoids as?
Speed bumps

11. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
They both like a tight seal.

12. What is the difference between Olympic swimmers, and Olympic
divers?
Mark Spitz and Greg swallows.

13. Why do only 30% of women get into Heaven?
If it were more, it would be Hell.

14. What is the first symptom of aids?
A heavy pounding in the rectum.

15. What has three teeth and sixty feet?
The front row at a Willy Nelson concert.

16. What is the new gay internet address?
c : enter

17. What did the lesbian frog say to the other lesbian frog?
They're right! We do taste like chicken!

18. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
The balls are just for decoration.

19. What did the banana say to the vibrator?
What are YOU shaking for? She's going to eat ME!

20. Why do girls rub their eyes in the morning?
They have no balls to scratch

21. What is the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is using a feather....kinky is using the whole chicken.

22. What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?
About three inches.

23. How do you make a hormone?
Don't pay her.

24. What do you call a gay dinosaur?
Megasorass

25. Why did God give women legs?
So they don't leave slug tracks.

26. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One..Men will screw anything

27. What is the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children to play
with....the other is used to carry groceries.

28. What is the mating call of a blonde?
"I'm sooooo drunk!"

29. What did the blonde say when she opened a box of Cheerios?
Oh look! Doughnut seeds!

30,What does a blonde put behind her ears?
Her legs.

31. What do you get when you cross a blonde and a pit bull?
Your last blow job....ever!

32. What would you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
A mechanic.

**Ghydda** · 27 July 1999, 01:25

Here we go again...

This man was in a long line at the grocery store.
As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms.
So he asked the checkout girl if she could
have some condoms brought up to the register.She asked, "What size condoms?"
The customer replied that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she reached over the counter,
grabbed hold of him, then picked up the store intercom and said
"One box of large condoms to register 5."
The next man in line thought this was interesting and,
like most of us, up for a cheap thrill. When he got to the register,
he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get condoms,
and asked if she could have some brought up to the register.
She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants. He did, she gave him a quick feel,
picked up the store intercom and said,
"One box of medium sized condoms to register 5."
A few customers back was a teen-aged boy.
He thought what he had witnessed was way too cool.
He never had any type of sexual contact with a female,
so he thought this was his chance.When he got up to the register,
he told the checker he needed some condoms.
She asked him what size, and he said he didn't know.
She asked him to drop his pants and he did.
She reached over the counter, gave him one quick squeeze,
then picked up the intercom and said,"Clean up at register 5!

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife
and pinched her on her butt and said,
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of your girdle."
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she thought herself
better and replied with silence.
The next morning the man woke his wife with a pinch on the breast and
said, "You know if you firmed these up we could get rid of your bra."
This was beyond a silence response, so she rolled over and grabbed
him by his package.
With a death grip in place she said,
"You know if you firmed this up we could get rid of the
postman, the gardener, the butler, the pool man, and your brother."

Q: What's the difference between oral sexand anal sex?
A: Oral sex makes your whole day, anal sex makesyour hole weak.

Q: What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boyhave in common?
A: They can both smell it but can't eat it.

Q: What is the similarity between a woman and KentuckyFried Chicken?
A: By the time you've finished with the breast and thighs,
all you have left is a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and
in the end you lose your house.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim isalready in the U.S

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw

The vice-president of a local company had quite a problem.
He was told by his boss to lay off one of his employees,
either Mary or Jack. His choice was a tough one because
Mary had been a devoted employee for 10 years and Jack was
a fine worker who had a family to support. At night,
the VP tossed and turned in his sleep trying to decide
which of his employees he would lay off.

Finally he decided, the first one to come to work tomorrow
would be the one. Morning finally comes and the VP waits at
the office for one of the two employees to arrive. At 8:55
Mary walks into the office. "I've got a difficult decision"
the VP says, "I either have to lay you or Jack
off." "Oh, jack-off," Mary says, "I've got a headache."

I particulary like the last one, what about you guyz?

Ghydda

------------------
A slowly desintegrating nobody with an AMD K6-2 350@3.5x110 on a ASUS P5A with 256MB Memorycard PC100, Adaptec 2940UW, Adaptec 2904CD, 3 SCSI HD, JVC Cooking gear, Plextor 40Max, SBlive Value SBLive with homemade S/PDIF I/O-card and last but not least - Matrox Marvel G200 16MB SD

Only thing missing: NCR Microwave Bank

**Ghydda** · 27 July 1999, 01:27

My first double post! I could have sworn that this would not happend to me, but then again, I wouln't like to stand out from the crowd.

------------------
A slowly desintegrating nobody with an AMD K6-2 350@3.5x110 on a ASUS P5A with 256MB Memorycard PC100, Adaptec 2940UW, Adaptec 2904CD, 3 SCSI HD, JVC Cooking gear, Plextor 40Max, SBlive Value SBLive with homemade S/PDIF I/O-card and last but not least - Matrox Marvel G200 16MB SD

Only thing missing: NCR Microwave Bank

[This message has been edited by Ghydda (edited 07-27-99).]

**Steve C** · 27 July 1999, 02:54

MORE MORE MORE!!!

**acobra** · 27 July 1999, 03:31

BEER CONTAINS FEMALE HORMONES: SAN DIEGO, CA ---------------------------------------------
Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong.
No further testing is planned

**acobra** · 27 July 1999, 03:34

Here's another...

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small whitedot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"I don't know," said the little boy, "but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

**agallag** · 27 July 1999, 03:37

A little out of date, but good none the less. Who wants to write one for Win98 or Win2K Beer?

If Beer was like Operating Systems...

DOS Beer

Requires you to use your own can opener, and that you read the directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8oz can, but now comes in a 16oz can. The can is divided into eight compartments of 2oz each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it's no longer available.

Macintosh Beer

At first came only in a 16oz can, but now comes in a 32oz can. Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that "you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.

Windows 3.1 Beer

The world's most popular beer. Comes in a 16oz can that looks a lot like Mac Beer's. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at the same time. Sometimes, for no apparent reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when you open it.

OS/2 Beer

Comes in a 32oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but somewhat slower. Advertises that the cans won't explode when you open them, even if you shake them up. You never see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs have been sold.

Windows 95 Beer

Only just out, Windows 95 Beer looks a lot like Mac Beer but tastes more like Windows 3.1 Beer. It comes in 32oz cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16oz of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that come in DOS Beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely new brand.

Windows NT Beer

Comes in a 32oz cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer, but the company promises to change the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer. Touted as an "industrial strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.

UNIX Beer

This very heavy beer comes in 32oz cans, and has been around for years, rumour has it that it was originally brewed as a hoax by a couple of bored workers, only for them to find that some people actually liked the stuff. It tends to be drunk only by freaks or eccentric academics, often with beards; and drinkers of it do not like drinkers of any other beer. In its basic form it doesn't look particularly impressive, but with the addition of a magic ingredient named "X", it can be converted into an all-singing all-dancing beer on a par with the others. Many other varieties exist, with a huge range of flavours and (often unpronouneceable) ingredients. It must be stressed, however, that even then it is strictly an acquired taste.

------------------
Andrew Gallagher - andrew@agallagher.com
Asus P2B-S, PII-350, 64MB PC100, 12.7GB Quantum Fireball EX ATA-33, 3.2GB IBM Deskstar3 EIDE, 2 Quantum Atlas I 2.1GB UWSCSI, Toshiba 6201 SCSI CD, WangDAT SCSI, MillG200 8MB (Anxiously awaiting my G400MAX), SBLive! Retail, Win98SE

[This message has been edited by agallag (edited 07-27-99).]

**Ghydda** · 27 July 1999, 03:49

Q: What do you get when you cross a Rooster and a telephone pole?
A: A 40 foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone.

HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN:
1. A dog's parents will never visit you.
2. A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
3. A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
4. A dog never expects you to telephone.
5. A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
6. A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
7. A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
8. A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
9. The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.10. A dog does not shop.

LESSONS LEARNED FROM A DOG:
1. Don't leave home without your ID.
2. If you stare at someone long enough,eventually you'll get what you want.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by
piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch
is most effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're
dragged shamefully out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Ghydda

------------------
A slowly desintegrating nobody with an AMD K6-2 350@3.5x110 on a ASUS P5A with 256MB Memorycard PC100, Adaptec 2940UW, Adaptec 2904CD, 3 SCSI HD, JVC Cooking gear, Plextor 40Max, SBlive Value SBLive with homemade S/PDIF I/O-card and last but not least - Matrox Marvel G200 16MB SD

Only thing missing: NCR Microwave Bank

**Buuri** · 27 July 1999, 16:15

Excellent guys!!

B

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