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Warning: Read only if you have about an hour to spare! There's a lot here... 
Here we go again:
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on
your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so
proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we
make love."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when
we make love."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a
boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at
Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young couple
applied to join a very conservative church. As a test of their faith, the
pastor requested that they abstain from sex for 2 weeks. The couples agreed
and 2 weeks later showed up at the church. "Well, how did you manage your
challenge?" the pastor asked the elderly couple. "Was a piece of cake, no
problem at all" they answered. " Welcome to the church" said the pastor. He
then approached the middle age couple and asked them if they had faired
well. " Well, we were good for the first week. After that I had to sleep on
the couch. But we did make it." "Welcome to the church" The young couple
approached with their heads down. "Were you able to abstain from sex for
two weeks?" he asked. "No pastor, we were doing well for a few days, then
my wife reached for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she
bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took her right there"
The pastor looked sternly at the young couple and said" You realize that
you will not be welcomed to this congregation?" "I know" said the young
man. " We are not welcome at Safeway anymore, either"
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There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and they come across a golden frog,
they think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when
it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he doesn't often meet people,
but when he does he gives them six wishes. He tells them that they can have
3 wishes each. The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the
forest be female. Which the frog immediately does. The rabbit after thinking
for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his
head. The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish, he asks
that all the bears in the neighbouring forests be female as well, and thus
it is so! The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle, it appears
before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine. The bear
cannot believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes
that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, he makes his final
wish, 'That all the other bears in the world be female as well. The frog
replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last
wish. The rabbit revs up the engine and thinks for a second,and then
says:-"I wish for the bear to be gay!" and rides off as fast as he can!
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A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife
answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I
wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you
have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if
I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what
the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly
thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer
and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll
give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris
a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table
then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves. A while later
Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came
over." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Did he drop off the
200 bucks he owes me?".
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A door to door salesman manages to fast-talk his way in to a woman's house
in the Scottish Highlands. "This machine really is the best ever," he
gushes, and tips the bag of dust, dirt and rubbish over the lounge floor.
"What the hell are you doing?" shrieks the woman. "Don't worry madam, "
replies the salesman, "this machine is wonderful. If it doesn't remove all
the muck from your carpet, I'll lick it up myself." The woman looks at him,
then shrugs and says, "Will you need some ketchup? The electricity won't be
back on until Friday you see."
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A woman is getting ready for a shower. She's standing there naked, just
about to go in, when there is a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls the
woman. A voice answers, "I'm a blind salesman." The woman thinks it would be
quite a thrill to have a blind man in the room while she is naked, so she
lets him in. The man walks in, looks up at her, and his jaw drops, then, as
a broad grin spreads over his face, he says, "Well, I was going to try to
sell you a blind...."
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An Indian scout was checking the area on behalf of some buffalo hunters,
searching for the herds. He put his ear to the ground. "Ugh", he said, "Deer
come!" The hunters looked at him with awe. "How the hell can you tell that?"
asked one. The scout answered, "Simple. Ear sticky."
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There's a guy stuck in an overseas airport. Trudging round for the umpteenth
time he notices a machine - well tucked away. On it was an illuminated sign.
"YOUR-WIFE-AWAY-FROM-HOME 25c". Under it was a well-positioned hole.
Checking for nobody looking, he fed in his chopper and inserted 25c. With
great expectations he waited. The machine whirred, it trembled and seemed to
warm itself. Then he passed out in excruciating pain. When he woke, a large
crowd of giggling people, looking and pointing at his chopper surrounded
him. The pain was still there to confirm his problem and he raised his head
to look at his chopper. There it was, hanging out as he had left it. With a
shirt button sewn on the end!!
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Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided
they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the
Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of
her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put
the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two
men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man
said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or
groaned...how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a
witch." The first man asked, "How's that? "Well," said the second man, "when
I nibbled on her breast ... she farted and flew out the window!"
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A bartender is working one night when a very handsome man walks in. The guy
is 6'4", with the body of a Greek God, but the bartender can't help noticing
one obvious deformity: as good looking as the man is, his head is much
smaller in proportion to the rest of his body. Anyway, the guy strolls up to
the bar, orders a beer, pulls a $50 bill out of his pocket, and tells the
bartender to keep the change. The bartender thanks him for the very generous
tip, and goes about his work. About fifteen minutes later, the guy comes
back to the bar and does the same thing again. Another beer, another $50
bill, and another $45 tip. After about five drinks, the bartender decides to
strike up a conversation with the guy, and finally gets the nerve to ask the
guy about his "condition" - the head being too small for the Greek God body.
The guy begins to explain: I was walking along the beach one day, when I
found a small silver lamp in the sand. I picked it up, dusted it off, and
out came the most beautiful genie I have ever seen. Man, she was
incredible... she hovered in front of me and told me I had 3 wishes. I
thought I'd died and gone to Heaven. So anyway, I told her: I want the body
of a Greek God and poof! Next thing you know I was bursting out of my
clothes because I was so much bigger. Next, I told her that I wanted to be
able to reach into my pocket at any time for the rest of my life and have an
unlimited number of $50 bills. Poof! I was instantly rich. For my final
wish, I looked around, trying to decide what would be the best thing to
satisfy me. After all, what else do I need? I have all the money I will ever
need, and I look fantastic. So then I took a good look at that gorgeous
little genie, and I asked her, "How about a little head?"
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Two shepherds are flying their flock to a new farm. Suddenly the engine
fails and the plane begins to plunge quickly to the ground. "Quick!" shouts
one, "Grab a parachute and jump!" The other one blinks. "What about the
sheep?" The first shepherd stares at him. "Eh? **** the sheep!" The second
one pauses for a moment, then asks him "Do you think we have time?"
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An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small
green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's
drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman
down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little
green thing down there?" The green man runs down the bar gives the
Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs back to
the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,
"Hey, what is that thing, anyway?" The Irishman replies, "Have some respect.
He's a leprechaun." "Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all
go back to drinking beer. An hour or so later, the Englishman is really
plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again-
SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun
that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts. "You can't do
that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks." "How do they pee,
then?" asks the Englishman. "They don't," says the Irishman. "They go
SPLBLBLBLBT."
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A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only his Y-Fronts "What are you?"
asks the man at the door who's introducing the guests over the PA System
"I'm a premature ejaculation," replies the bloke. "I can't say that over the
mike," says the doorman, "the town Mayor and the local Vicar are inside,
you'll have to tone it down a bit." "Well just tell everyone I've come in my
pants!"
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In the vet's waiting room, the Great Dane meets the Terrier. "What are you
in for?" "The bitch next door was on heat, so I popped over the fence and
gave her one! Now I'm here for castration. What about you?" "I was passing
the bathroom door and saw my mistress bending over the bath. She was stark
naked and it was too inviting. I crept up behind her and slipped her a
length." "They're having you put down then are they?" said the Terrier.
"No, no not at all ! She brought me in to have my claws trimmed!"
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Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in
their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister
Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get
rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on,
knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I
filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister
Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns
his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?"
shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're
talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the
**** off our car!"
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A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. What do
they say? the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want
to have some fun?' That's obscene! the priest exclaimed, then he thought for
a moment. You know, he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have
two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
Bring your two birds over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Carl and Johann. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time. Thank
you, the woman responded, this may very well be the solution. The next day,
she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in,
she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary
beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with
them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're
prostitutes. Do you want to have fun? There was a stunned silence. Finally,
one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, Put the
****ing beads away, Carl, our prayers have been answered!
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The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes to a sight-seeing
tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her
to marry him. Naturally the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she
remembers what her boss told her: "Don't reject the guy outright." So, she
tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry
her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will marry you
under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 caret
diamond ring, with a matching 200 caret diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man
pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "Okay, Okay, I buy, I
buy." Realising that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the
man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation
home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in
France." The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls
some brokers in New York, then calls some brokers in France. He looks at
the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, Okay, I build, I build." Realising
that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make
this a good one. She takes her time to think, and finally, she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says,
rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12"
penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and
rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in
Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head,
looking really sad, says to the woman, "Okay, Okay, I cut, I cut."
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A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling
her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed. "Why do you
want a glass of cider?" asked her mom. "I cut my hand on a thorn, and I
want the pain to go away!" Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the
mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately
dunked her hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she
whined. "What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed
parent, "What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?" "Well,
I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand,
she can't wait to get it in cider"
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This guy invents a machine that transports labour pains from the mother to
the father. The only thing is, there is a chance the father will die when
it's used on him. One mother goes in labour and they're sitting in the
hospital and her doctor asks the father if he wants this machine used, and
he said sure, but the Dr. said that he would only turn it up 10%, and when
he did, the father said that he couldn't feel anything yet, and the mother
said she felt a lot better, and so the father told the Dr. to turn the
machine up to 30%, and when they did, the father said that he still couldn't
feel anything, and the mother said how much better she felt, so the father
told the Dr. to turn it up to 50%. When they did that, the father still
wasn't feeling anything, and the mother was feeling a lot better, so they
turned the machine up to 75% and since the father still wasn't feeling
anything, he said to turn it up to 100%, and the mother said that this
machine was so great because she wasn't feeling any pain at all, and the
father wasn't in pain either. The baby was born healthy and the next day,
they all went home and found the mailman dead on the porch.
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A mother and her young son go to the zoo one day. As they pass the elephant
pen, the son points to the elephant's penis and says, "What's that?" The
mother replies, "That's nothing," and hurries on to the next animals. A few
weeks later, the boy's father takes him to the zoo, and they come to the
elephant pen. Again the boy points to the elephant's penis and asks, "What's
that?" The father explains, "That's the elephant's penis." The boy says,
"Mom said that it was nothing." The father replies, "Yeah, well, your mother
is spoilt."
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A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train.
Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man
"Aren't they cute, what is their names?" The man giving the lady an angry
look replied "I don't know". The lady asked again "which is a boy and which
is a girl". The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know". The
woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you ?". The
man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these
are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company"
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A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of
the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of
the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman
rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She said, "Please
allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your
pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine
in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal
position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted,
and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and
laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.
She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which
he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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Police arrested Jon Terrence McCarter, a 27 year old white male, resident of
Dixon, IL, in the Sanderson Pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. McCarter will
be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the County courthouse Monday. The suspect allegedly stated
that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles.
At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the
County courthouse jail. McCarter went on to state that he pulled over to the
side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I
guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, McCarter apparently failed to notice the
Dixon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until
officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, sure."
said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (McCarter) and he's... just working
away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she
approached McCarter. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you
realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd
expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...
is it midnight already?
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On his first official engagement, President Clinton rode with the queen in a
carriage of state. All of a sudden, the rearmost horse breaks wind. Long and
wet was the fart by all accounts. "I do apologise mr president," said the
queen. "That' all right ma'am," said the president. "I thought it was the
horse!"
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Once there was a man that survived a terrible Plane crash and was lost in a
forest. He had no idea where he was or which way to go. He wandered for days
and survived on berries and twigs. He was much too slow to catch any kind of
animal and couldn't even start a fire. He should have joined the boy scouts
when he was young. After two week of wondering he found a thin but
three-story house with smoke coming out of the chimney. Without hesitation
he knocked on the door. A little man answered the door. He had a long white
beard that hung almost to the floor. "Please I need some food and Shelter."
Said the young man. "This I will give you but you must promise not to fool
with my lovely daughter." the old man said. "Thank you and I wouldn't think
of messing with your daughter." "For if you do I will inflict the three most
gruesome Chinese torture tests that have ever been devised." The man to weak
agreed not thinking that any woman could arouse him in his weak state. After
a shower and some sleep the man came down to eat. A grand dinner was set up
and the man sat to eat. The old man's daughter entered the room and to great
surprise of the young man, she was most beautiful. So beautiful that the man
could hardly tear his eyes away from her during the meal. Later that night
the man crept into the girls room just to take one last look at her for he
promised to leave early the next morning with a map the old man gave him.
When he opened the door he saw the girl was awake and to his surprise she
ushered him in. Well being stuck in a forest with just your father doesn't
suppress all urges so one thing lead to another. They were as quiet as
possible not to wake the old man. After a few hours (Wow) the man crept to
his room thinking that any torture would be worth what he just had done. He
fell asleep thinking of her. He got up and felt an enormous pain on his
chest. It was a rock with a sign on it. It said: 1st Chinese torture, 100
pound rock on chest! Well this wasn't hardly what the man thought would rate
as torture and threw the rock out the window. As he did this he saw a second
sign just outside the window it said: 2nd Chinese torture, Left testicle
tied to 100 pound rock! The man with out hesitation jumped out the window
knowing a 3 story drop would be far better than what was in store for him.
As he fell to the ground he saw a large sign on the ground. It said: 3rd
Chinese torture, Right testicle tied to bed post!
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A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The Personal Manager
goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing
worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take
almost anything. The Personal Manager hums and haws and finally says he does
have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The
woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties
and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45
there's a knock at the Pe rsonal Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line
manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After
screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the
Personal Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down
to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come.
Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a
roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They
both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and
starts sowing them between Elmo's legs. The personal managers starts to kill
himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls
himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry, I
guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo
two test tickles."
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Clinton dies and he goes to Hell. Satan meets him there and says, "Bill, we
have to find a spot for you for all of eternity." So Satan takes Bill down a
hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Stalin being
burned at the stake. "No," Bill balks, "I can't do that for all eternity."
"Fair enough," replies Satan. Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second
door. Inside is Hitler being pulled apart on the rack. "No," Bill again
balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity, either." Satan takes Bill to
the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with
chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky doing what she has
confessed doing to Bill repeatedly. Bill smiles and shouts, "Yes! Yes!
That's for me." Satan walks into the room, kicks Monica and shouts, "You can
go now, your replacement's here."
------------------
Cheers,
Steve
My PC houses one of these things which seems to affect some people's lives far too much...
[This message has been edited by SteveC (edited 08-19-1999).]
Here we go again:
A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her
blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on
your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so
proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we
make love."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that
mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and
he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when
we make love."
A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes
off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a
boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. "No, but I have a girlfriend at
Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
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Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple and a young couple
applied to join a very conservative church. As a test of their faith, the
pastor requested that they abstain from sex for 2 weeks. The couples agreed
and 2 weeks later showed up at the church. "Well, how did you manage your
challenge?" the pastor asked the elderly couple. "Was a piece of cake, no
problem at all" they answered. " Welcome to the church" said the pastor. He
then approached the middle age couple and asked them if they had faired
well. " Well, we were good for the first week. After that I had to sleep on
the couch. But we did make it." "Welcome to the church" The young couple
approached with their heads down. "Were you able to abstain from sex for
two weeks?" he asked. "No pastor, we were doing well for a few days, then
my wife reached for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it. When she
bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took her right there"
The pastor looked sternly at the young couple and said" You realize that
you will not be welcomed to this congregation?" "I know" said the young
man. " We are not welcome at Safeway anymore, either"
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There's a bear and a rabbit in the woods and they come across a golden frog,
they think this is an amazing discovery and they are even more amazed when
it talks to them. The golden frog admits that he doesn't often meet people,
but when he does he gives them six wishes. He tells them that they can have
3 wishes each. The bear immediately asks that all the other bears in the
forest be female. Which the frog immediately does. The rabbit after thinking
for a while, asks for a crash helmet and one appears, which he places on his
head. The bear is amazed at this, but carries on with his next wish, he asks
that all the bears in the neighbouring forests be female as well, and thus
it is so! The rabbit then wishes that he could have a motorcycle, it appears
before him, and he climbs on board and starts revving the engine. The bear
cannot believe it, he remarks to the rabbit that he has wasted two wishes
that he could have had for himself. Shaking his head, he makes his final
wish, 'That all the other bears in the world be female as well. The frog
replies that it has been done and they both turn to the rabbit for his last
wish. The rabbit revs up the engine and thinks for a second,and then
says:-"I wish for the bear to be gay!" and rides off as fast as he can!
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A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife
answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I
wait?" "No come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you
have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks if
I could just see one." Nora thinks about this for a second an figures what
the hell - a hundred bucks. She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly
thanks her and throws 100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer
and Chris says "They are so beautiful I got to see the both of them. I'll
give you another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."
Nora thinks about this and says what the hell opens her robe and gives Chris
a nice long look. Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table
then says he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves. A while later
Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your weird friend Chris came
over." Tony thinks about this for a second and asks, "Did he drop off the
200 bucks he owes me?".
---------------------------------------------------
A door to door salesman manages to fast-talk his way in to a woman's house
in the Scottish Highlands. "This machine really is the best ever," he
gushes, and tips the bag of dust, dirt and rubbish over the lounge floor.
"What the hell are you doing?" shrieks the woman. "Don't worry madam, "
replies the salesman, "this machine is wonderful. If it doesn't remove all
the muck from your carpet, I'll lick it up myself." The woman looks at him,
then shrugs and says, "Will you need some ketchup? The electricity won't be
back on until Friday you see."
---------------------------------------------------
A woman is getting ready for a shower. She's standing there naked, just
about to go in, when there is a knock at the door. "Who is it?" calls the
woman. A voice answers, "I'm a blind salesman." The woman thinks it would be
quite a thrill to have a blind man in the room while she is naked, so she
lets him in. The man walks in, looks up at her, and his jaw drops, then, as
a broad grin spreads over his face, he says, "Well, I was going to try to
sell you a blind...."
---------------------------------------------------
An Indian scout was checking the area on behalf of some buffalo hunters,
searching for the herds. He put his ear to the ground. "Ugh", he said, "Deer
come!" The hunters looked at him with awe. "How the hell can you tell that?"
asked one. The scout answered, "Simple. Ear sticky."
---------------------------------------------------
There's a guy stuck in an overseas airport. Trudging round for the umpteenth
time he notices a machine - well tucked away. On it was an illuminated sign.
"YOUR-WIFE-AWAY-FROM-HOME 25c". Under it was a well-positioned hole.
Checking for nobody looking, he fed in his chopper and inserted 25c. With
great expectations he waited. The machine whirred, it trembled and seemed to
warm itself. Then he passed out in excruciating pain. When he woke, a large
crowd of giggling people, looking and pointing at his chopper surrounded
him. The pain was still there to confirm his problem and he raised his head
to look at his chopper. There it was, hanging out as he had left it. With a
shirt button sewn on the end!!
---------------------------------------------------
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided
they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the house, the
Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of
her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put
the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two
men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man
said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or
groaned...how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a
witch." The first man asked, "How's that? "Well," said the second man, "when
I nibbled on her breast ... she farted and flew out the window!"
---------------------------------------------------
A bartender is working one night when a very handsome man walks in. The guy
is 6'4", with the body of a Greek God, but the bartender can't help noticing
one obvious deformity: as good looking as the man is, his head is much
smaller in proportion to the rest of his body. Anyway, the guy strolls up to
the bar, orders a beer, pulls a $50 bill out of his pocket, and tells the
bartender to keep the change. The bartender thanks him for the very generous
tip, and goes about his work. About fifteen minutes later, the guy comes
back to the bar and does the same thing again. Another beer, another $50
bill, and another $45 tip. After about five drinks, the bartender decides to
strike up a conversation with the guy, and finally gets the nerve to ask the
guy about his "condition" - the head being too small for the Greek God body.
The guy begins to explain: I was walking along the beach one day, when I
found a small silver lamp in the sand. I picked it up, dusted it off, and
out came the most beautiful genie I have ever seen. Man, she was
incredible... she hovered in front of me and told me I had 3 wishes. I
thought I'd died and gone to Heaven. So anyway, I told her: I want the body
of a Greek God and poof! Next thing you know I was bursting out of my
clothes because I was so much bigger. Next, I told her that I wanted to be
able to reach into my pocket at any time for the rest of my life and have an
unlimited number of $50 bills. Poof! I was instantly rich. For my final
wish, I looked around, trying to decide what would be the best thing to
satisfy me. After all, what else do I need? I have all the money I will ever
need, and I look fantastic. So then I took a good look at that gorgeous
little genie, and I asked her, "How about a little head?"
---------------------------------------------------
Two shepherds are flying their flock to a new farm. Suddenly the engine
fails and the plane begins to plunge quickly to the ground. "Quick!" shouts
one, "Grab a parachute and jump!" The other one blinks. "What about the
sheep?" The first shepherd stares at him. "Eh? **** the sheep!" The second
one pauses for a moment, then asks him "Do you think we have time?"
---------------------------------------------------
An Irishman walks into a bar and asks for two beers. He then pulls a small
green-skinned man out of his pocket and puts him on the counter. As he's
drinking one drink and the green man is drinking the other, an Englishman
down the bar who has had a few too many drinks says "Hey, what's that little
green thing down there?" The green man runs down the bar gives the
Englishman a raspberry, "SPLBLBLBLT!," right in the face and runs back to
the Irishman. The Englishman mops himself off and says to the Irishman,
"Hey, what is that thing, anyway?" The Irishman replies, "Have some respect.
He's a leprechaun." "Oh, all right." the Englishman says sullenly. They all
go back to drinking beer. An hour or so later, the Englishman is really
plastered. "Boy, that leprechaun sure is an ugly little bastard!" he says.
The leprechaun runs down the bar and gives the Englishman a raspberry again-
SPLBLBLBLBT! This time the Englishman is really mad! "Tell that leprechaun
that if he does that again I'll cut his dick off!" he shouts. "You can't do
that" says the Irishman. "Leprechauns don't have dicks." "How do they pee,
then?" asks the Englishman. "They don't," says the Irishman. "They go
SPLBLBLBLBT."
---------------------------------------------------
A man goes to a fancy dress party wearing only his Y-Fronts "What are you?"
asks the man at the door who's introducing the guests over the PA System
"I'm a premature ejaculation," replies the bloke. "I can't say that over the
mike," says the doorman, "the town Mayor and the local Vicar are inside,
you'll have to tone it down a bit." "Well just tell everyone I've come in my
pants!"
---------------------------------------------------
In the vet's waiting room, the Great Dane meets the Terrier. "What are you
in for?" "The bitch next door was on heat, so I popped over the fence and
gave her one! Now I'm here for castration. What about you?" "I was passing
the bathroom door and saw my mistress bending over the bath. She was stark
naked and it was too inviting. I crept up behind her and slipped her a
length." "They're having you put down then are they?" said the Terrier.
"No, no not at all ! She brought me in to have my claws trimmed!"
---------------------------------------------------
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are travelling through Europe in
their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the
car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister
Marilyn. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get
rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on,
knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I
filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister
Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns
his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "Now what?"
shouts Sister Marilyn. "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen. "Now you're
talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts, "Get the
**** off our car!"
---------------------------------------------------
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing. What do
they say? the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want
to have some fun?' That's obscene! the priest exclaimed, then he thought for
a moment. You know, he said, I may have a solution to your problem. I have
two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the bible.
Bring your two birds over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with
Carl and Johann. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
and your parrots are sure to stop saying...that phrase...in no time. Thank
you, the woman responded, this may very well be the solution. The next day,
she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in,
she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary
beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with
them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're
prostitutes. Do you want to have fun? There was a stunned silence. Finally,
one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, Put the
****ing beads away, Carl, our prayers have been answered!
---------------------------------------------------
The beautiful secretary of the president of a bank goes to a sight-seeing
tour with a very rich Taiwanese client. The client out of the blue asks her
to marry him. Naturally the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she
remembers what her boss told her: "Don't reject the guy outright." So, she
tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry
her. So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will marry you
under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 caret
diamond ring, with a matching 200 caret diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man
pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says, "Okay, Okay, I buy, I
buy." Realising that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the
man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation
home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in
France." The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls
some brokers in New York, then calls some brokers in France. He looks at
the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, Okay, I build, I build." Realising
that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make
this a good one. She takes her time to think, and finally, she gets an idea.
A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says,
rather coldly, "Since I like sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12"
penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands and
rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in
Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head,
looking really sad, says to the woman, "Okay, Okay, I cut, I cut."
---------------------------------------------------
A little girl came running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling
her hand: "Mummy, quick! Get me a glass of cider!" she wailed. "Why do you
want a glass of cider?" asked her mom. "I cut my hand on a thorn, and I
want the pain to go away!" Confused, but weary of the child's whining, the
mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately
dunked her hand in it. "Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn't work!" she
whined. "What are you talking about?" asked her increasingly perplexed
parent, "What ever made you think that cider would ease your pain?" "Well,
I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand,
she can't wait to get it in cider"
---------------------------------------------------
This guy invents a machine that transports labour pains from the mother to
the father. The only thing is, there is a chance the father will die when
it's used on him. One mother goes in labour and they're sitting in the
hospital and her doctor asks the father if he wants this machine used, and
he said sure, but the Dr. said that he would only turn it up 10%, and when
he did, the father said that he couldn't feel anything yet, and the mother
said she felt a lot better, and so the father told the Dr. to turn the
machine up to 30%, and when they did, the father said that he still couldn't
feel anything, and the mother said how much better she felt, so the father
told the Dr. to turn it up to 50%. When they did that, the father still
wasn't feeling anything, and the mother was feeling a lot better, so they
turned the machine up to 75% and since the father still wasn't feeling
anything, he said to turn it up to 100%, and the mother said that this
machine was so great because she wasn't feeling any pain at all, and the
father wasn't in pain either. The baby was born healthy and the next day,
they all went home and found the mailman dead on the porch.
---------------------------------------------------
A mother and her young son go to the zoo one day. As they pass the elephant
pen, the son points to the elephant's penis and says, "What's that?" The
mother replies, "That's nothing," and hurries on to the next animals. A few
weeks later, the boy's father takes him to the zoo, and they come to the
elephant pen. Again the boy points to the elephant's penis and asks, "What's
that?" The father explains, "That's the elephant's penis." The boy says,
"Mom said that it was nothing." The father replies, "Yeah, well, your mother
is spoilt."
---------------------------------------------------
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train.
Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man
"Aren't they cute, what is their names?" The man giving the lady an angry
look replied "I don't know". The lady asked again "which is a boy and which
is a girl". The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know". The
woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you ?". The
man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these
are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company"
---------------------------------------------------
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of
the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly
toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of
the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell
to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony. The woman
rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologise. She said, "Please
allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your
pain if you'd allow." "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine
in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal
position still clasping his hands together at his crotch. But she persisted,
and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and
laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside.
She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?" To which
he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
---------------------------------------------------
Police arrested Jon Terrence McCarter, a 27 year old white male, resident of
Dixon, IL, in the Sanderson Pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. McCarter will
be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency, and public
intoxication at the County courthouse Monday. The suspect allegedly stated
that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a
pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles.
At least I thought there wasn't." he stated in a phone interview from the
County courthouse jail. McCarter went on to state that he pulled over to the
side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his
purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I
guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident
embarrassment. In the process, McCarter apparently failed to notice the
Dixon Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until
officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, sure."
said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (McCarter) and he's... just working
away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she
approached McCarter. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you
realise that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd
expect and then looked me straight in the face and said, 'A pumpkin? Damn...
is it midnight already?
---------------------------------------------------
On his first official engagement, President Clinton rode with the queen in a
carriage of state. All of a sudden, the rearmost horse breaks wind. Long and
wet was the fart by all accounts. "I do apologise mr president," said the
queen. "That' all right ma'am," said the president. "I thought it was the
horse!"
---------------------------------------------------
Once there was a man that survived a terrible Plane crash and was lost in a
forest. He had no idea where he was or which way to go. He wandered for days
and survived on berries and twigs. He was much too slow to catch any kind of
animal and couldn't even start a fire. He should have joined the boy scouts
when he was young. After two week of wondering he found a thin but
three-story house with smoke coming out of the chimney. Without hesitation
he knocked on the door. A little man answered the door. He had a long white
beard that hung almost to the floor. "Please I need some food and Shelter."
Said the young man. "This I will give you but you must promise not to fool
with my lovely daughter." the old man said. "Thank you and I wouldn't think
of messing with your daughter." "For if you do I will inflict the three most
gruesome Chinese torture tests that have ever been devised." The man to weak
agreed not thinking that any woman could arouse him in his weak state. After
a shower and some sleep the man came down to eat. A grand dinner was set up
and the man sat to eat. The old man's daughter entered the room and to great
surprise of the young man, she was most beautiful. So beautiful that the man
could hardly tear his eyes away from her during the meal. Later that night
the man crept into the girls room just to take one last look at her for he
promised to leave early the next morning with a map the old man gave him.
When he opened the door he saw the girl was awake and to his surprise she
ushered him in. Well being stuck in a forest with just your father doesn't
suppress all urges so one thing lead to another. They were as quiet as
possible not to wake the old man. After a few hours (Wow) the man crept to
his room thinking that any torture would be worth what he just had done. He
fell asleep thinking of her. He got up and felt an enormous pain on his
chest. It was a rock with a sign on it. It said: 1st Chinese torture, 100
pound rock on chest! Well this wasn't hardly what the man thought would rate
as torture and threw the rock out the window. As he did this he saw a second
sign just outside the window it said: 2nd Chinese torture, Left testicle
tied to 100 pound rock! The man with out hesitation jumped out the window
knowing a 3 story drop would be far better than what was in store for him.
As he fell to the ground he saw a large sign on the ground. It said: 3rd
Chinese torture, Right testicle tied to bed post!
---------------------------------------------------
A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The Personal Manager
goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing
worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take
almost anything. The Personal Manager hums and haws and finally says he does
have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The
woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties
and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45
there's a knock at the Pe rsonal Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line
manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After
screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the
Personal Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down
to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come.
Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a
roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They
both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and
starts sowing them between Elmo's legs. The personal managers starts to kill
himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls
himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry, I
guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo
two test tickles."
---------------------------------------------------
Clinton dies and he goes to Hell. Satan meets him there and says, "Bill, we
have to find a spot for you for all of eternity." So Satan takes Bill down a
hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Stalin being
burned at the stake. "No," Bill balks, "I can't do that for all eternity."
"Fair enough," replies Satan. Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second
door. Inside is Hitler being pulled apart on the rack. "No," Bill again
balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity, either." Satan takes Bill to
the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with
chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky doing what she has
confessed doing to Bill repeatedly. Bill smiles and shouts, "Yes! Yes!
That's for me." Satan walks into the room, kicks Monica and shouts, "You can
go now, your replacement's here."
------------------
Cheers,
Steve
My PC houses one of these things which seems to affect some people's lives far too much...
[This message has been edited by SteveC (edited 08-19-1999).]
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