For our new forum site, a new fun thread.

[SteveC]

There's a few 'unregistered' posts though....

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Cheers,
Steve

[jsb]

back again, junior

[jsb]

only 2 post to be a member? hmmm

[Buuri]

I'm here too and I'm a..

[SteveC]

Continuing the thread...

IF OPERATING SYSTEMS RAN THE AIRLINES

_______________________________________

UNIX Airways
Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come
to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the
plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what
kind of plane they are supposed to be building.

Air DOS
Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump
on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again.
Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...

Mac Airlines
All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents
look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions
about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't
need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done
for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.

Windows Air
The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards,
easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After
about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning
whatsoever.

Windows NT Air
Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes,
and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius
when it explodes.

Linux Air
Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to
start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters,
and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to
cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download
and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you
are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the
seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is
very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without
a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to
tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but
all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"


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Cheers,
Steve

[Buuri]

..JUNIOR MEMBER!!

Dagnabbit! Why, WHY!

_
B

[Buuri]

Oh!?! Member after all... what's happening here.. ?

_
B

[cnyb]

Children's Book Titles
----------------------
These were from a Washington Post contest;

"You Were an Accident"
"Strangers Have the Best Candy"
"The Little Sissy Who Snitched"
"Some Kittens Can Fly!"
"The Protocols of the Grandpas of Zion"
"How to Dress Sexy for Grownups"
"Getting More Chocolate on Your Face"
"Where Would You Like to Be Buried?"
"Where's Godot?"
"Katy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her"
"The Attention Deficit Disorder Association's Book of Wild Animals of North"
"Amer Hey! Let's Go Ride Our Bikes!"
"All Dogs Go to Hell"
"The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking"
"When Mommy and Daddy Don't Know the Answer They Say God Did It"
"Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia"
"What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?"
"Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?"
"Bi-Curious George"
"Daddy Drinks Because You Cry"
"Mister Policeman Eats His Service Revolver"
"You Are Different and That's Bad"

[cnyb]

What can I say? Guess I have nothing better to do...

Some stuff about crooks;

License to steal
Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck.
Instead, they pulled the bumper off the truck.
They panicked, fled & left the chain still attached to the machine & their bumper (license plate still attached).

In the bag
A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, made idle chatter at the customs counter.
The customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was & asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did -backwards.
A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

Made for TV
Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a woman who wanted to have her husband shot.
She was sentenced to four years.

Do you accept credit cards?
A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence.
He provided the court a forged check.
He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

You mean me?
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, "Nobody move!"
His partner moved & the startled first bandit shot him.

Deadheads
A man in Orange County was ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane.
He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in his mortuary van should be counted.
The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

This would be me
The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook.
The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward."
Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

Learn your lesson
A woman charged with a traffic violation stated her occupation as schoolteacher.
The judge rose from the bench, "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.
Now sit at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

Ahh, that's better!
A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping.
The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

Oops! I blew that one!
A lawyer defended a man accused of burglary with:
"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles.
His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."
"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."
The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

[merchant2112]

stupid secureity guards.

these are true story's

every morning i come in to work at 6am at least once a week the night or weekend idots do something really stupid.

one morning i walk in the door and i see a trash can in the middle of the main hall. i dont think any thing of it (cleaning crew must have left it out right? , wrong) night idiot # 1 comes up to me and tells me we have a small leak in the ceiling, and that he did not call building maintance becuase he did not want to be an alarmist. i walk up the hall and discover that A HIGH PRESSURE FIRE HEAD IS LEAKING LIKE A SIVE. if this thing blows they all blow. (oh on a side note this paticular idiot had been told at lease 3 times if you think its not a problem call someone to conferm that it is not a problem. need less to say he's not with us any more.

other things night idiot #1 has been responsible for. takeing the fire system off line (for no reason he called the fire department and told them we were off line meaning that the building could have burned to the ground and unless some one called they would not show up.) he mis read a note dated for two days before. this was his first warning.

failed to notify someone when the back up generator was hit by lightning.

failed to notify some one when the chillers/air handlers failed one night.

called to many people one night about something that was trivial. (leaking roof in a machanical room.)

this guy was so stupid (io think a rock would be smarter) it was allmost funny.
his last mistake after being given one final chance (after being reasigned to a diffrent less critical building) he left his post for 2 hours and admitted it when he was asked why he missed 2 radio checks. (given every hour on the hour night and weekends)




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spec's Here are some real spec's. bore dia 7.62 cartrage length 54mm(rimed) rate of fire who cares you can empty a full 30 round clip in 3 seconds, effective range with high powered scope 1500 yards. (kill's recorded at this range)who needs a cheap shot gun when you can use a russan sniper riffle to blow someones head off from half a mile away. cost 1595.00 at any gun show or special order.

[Gurm]

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack!

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G. U. R. M. It's not hard to spell, is it? Then don't screw it up!
The word "Gurm" is in no way Copyright 1999 Jorden van der Elst.

[acobra]

I think you are a junior member if you have 1 post, but a member if you have 2...

Interesting.. so this should make me a member once again! WOOHOO!!!!

[SCompRacer]

At dinner one night, a little boy asks his Father "what is Politics?"

His Dad says, "well son, it's complicated, but I'll try and explain it this way. I am the bread winner here, so call me 'Capitalism'. Your Mother is the administrator of the funds here so we will call her the 'Government'. We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the 'People'. The Nanny helps us do this, so we will call her the 'Working Class'. And, your little baby brother, we will call him the 'Future'. Now think about that and try and make some sense of it."

So the little boy goes to bed all confused about this but finally falls asleep. Later, he is wakened by his little brother crying. He gets up to check on him and as he gets close, he can smell that the baby has soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents room for help only to find his Mother sound asleep and his Father not there. Being a considerate little boy, he decides to find his Father instead. As he passes by the Nannies room, he hears noises and peeks through the keyhole only to see his Father in bed with the Nanny! He is so upset he runs back to his room and falls asleep.

The next morning at breakfast, the little boy says, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of Politics now."

The father says proudly, "excellent son, tell us in your own words what you think."

The little boy replies, "well, while 'Government' is asleep, 'Capitalism' is screwing the 'Working Class', the 'Peoples' needs are being ignored and the 'Future' is in deep shit!"

[acobra]

A guy arrives at the Pearly Gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is leafing through the Big Book to see if the guy is worthy of entering. After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I don't really see that you ever did anything great in your life, but I don't see anything really bad either. So I'll tell you what. If you can tell me of one REALLY good deed you did in your life, I'll let you in."

The guy thinks for a moment and says, "OK, well, there was this one time when I was driving down the highway and I saw a gang assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 50 of 'em torturing this woman. Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked straight up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the gang members formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron. Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, 'Leave this poor, innocent girl alone!You're all a bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you all a lesson in pain!'"

St. Peter, clearly impressed, says, "Wow! When did that happen?"

"Just a few minutes ago."

[ba-rum-bum!]


[This message has been edited by acobra (edited 09-01-1999).]

[KvHagedorn]

alright.. this is good. I'm digging it up. Gawd I'm sick of people whining about 5.21.

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Kind Regards,

KvH