Getting bored......need fun!

[RoGuE]

Nice one Steve

------------------
aka Chris H

[deejay]

Brilliant Steve, I feel a download and redistribution coming on

Cheers
Dave

[SteveC]

Tony - that's great... already sent it round the world...

------------------
Cheers,
Steve

PS: Some or all of the above message may be wrong, or, just as likely, correct. Depends on what mood I'm in. And what you know. ;¬)

[Fat Tone]

How about this one then? (Appologies if it pushes the envelope of Forum good-taste a little).

King Arthur was in Merlin's laboratory where the good wizard was
showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except
it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

"This is no good, Merlin!" the king exclaimed, "Look at this opening.
How is this supposed to protect m'lady, the Queen?"

"Ah, sire, just observe," said Merlin. He then selected his most
worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted
it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small
guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

"Merlin, you are a genius!" said the grateful monarch. "Now I can
leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected."

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out
upon His Quest. Several years passed until he returned to Camelot.
Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and
had them drop their trousers for an informal 'short arm'
inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either
amputated or damaged in some way. All of them, except Sir
Galahad.

"Sir Galahad," exclaimed King Arthur. "My one and only true
knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What
is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!"

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

[SteveC]

Heh heh, I loiked dat one!

And more:
There's this young single guy on a cruise ship, having the time of his life.
On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins
to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our
guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce
of strength, swims a few miles through the shark- infested sea to a remote,
deserted island.
Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head
and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She's also
managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her,
and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing
again. She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful, "My God, you saved my
life!" He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford!
Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together.
They've set up a hut, there's fruit on the trees, and they're in heaven.
Cindy's fallen madly in love with our man, and they're making passionate
love morning, noon and night.
Alas, one day she notices he's looking kind of glum. "What's the matter,
sweetheart?" she asks, "We have a wonderful life together, I'm in love with
you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?"
He says, "Actually, Cin, there is. Would you mind, um, putting on my shirt?"
"Uh, sure," she says, "if this will help." He takes off his shirt and she
puts it on.
"Now would you put on my pants?" he asks.
"Sure, honey, if it's really going to make you feel better," she says.
"Um, OK, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little mustache on your
face?" he asks.
"Whatever you want, honey," she says, and does.
Then he says, "Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?"
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the
other direction. They meet up halfway around the island a few minutes later.
He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says, "Dude! You'll
never believe who I'm sleeping with!"

------------------
Cheers,
Steve

PS: Some or all of the above message may be wrong, or, just as likely, correct. Depends on what mood I'm in. And what you know. ;¬)

[Fat Tone]

Very Good. Typical Male Psyche!

Try These.

>>>Notes taken from actual hospital notes:
>>
>>> ** Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year
>>> ** On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared
>>> completely.
>>> ** She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was
>>> very hot in bed last night.
>>> ** The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
>>> ** The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be
>>> depressed.
>>> ** Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
>>> ** Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but
>>> forgetful.
>>> ** The patient refused an autopsy.
>>> ** The patient has no past history of suicides.
>>> ** Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
>>> ** Patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with
>>> only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
>>> ** Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
>>> ** Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
>>> ** Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like
>>> to work her up.
>>> ** She is numb from her toes down.
>>> ** While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
>>> ** The skin was moist and dry.
>>> ** Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
>>> ** Patient was alert and unresponsive.
>>> ** Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
>>> ** She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until
>>she got a divorce.
>>> ** I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical
>>> therapy.
>>> ** Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
>>> ** Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
>>> ** The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
>>> ** The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a
>>> stockbroker instead.
>>> ** Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
>>> ** The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
>>> ** Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit
>>on
>>> the abdomen and I agree.
>>> ** Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
>>> ** Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

[Fat Tone]

Declan the humble crab and Kate the Lobster Princess were madly
deeply
and passionately in Love. For months they enjoyed an idyllic
relationship, until one day Kate scuttled over to Declan in tears.

"We can't see each other anymore..." she sobbed.

"Why ?" gasped Declan.

"Daddy says that crabs are too common," she wailed.

"He claims you, a mere crab, and a poor one at that, are the lowest
class of crustacean...and that no daughter of his will marry someone
who can only walk sideways."

Declan was shattered, and scuttled away into the darkness and to
drink
himself into a filthy state of aquatic oblivion.

That night the great Lobster ball was taking place. Lobsters came
from
far and wide dancing and merry making, but the lobster Princess
refused
to join in, choosing instead to sit by her father's side,
inconsolable.

Suddenly the doors burst open, and Declan the crab strode in. The
Lobsters all stopped their dancing, the Princess gasped and the King
Lobster rose from his throne.

Slowly painstakingly, Declan the crab made his way across the
floor...and all could see that he was walking FORWARDS, one claw
after
another!!

Step by step he made his approach towards the throne, until he
finally
looked King lobster in the eye.

There was a deadly hush.

Finally, the crab spoke.

"F*ck, I'm p*ssed."

[acobra]

Tony, Forgive me if I'm just being stupid or something, but I don't get it??

here's another one:

Drug Dealers vs. Software Developers...

Drug dealers: Refer to their clients as "users".
Software developers: Refer to their clients as "users".

Drug dealers: "The first one's free!"
Software developers: "Download a free trial version..."

Drug dealers: Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move
the stuff).
Software developers: Have important South-East Asian connections (to
help debug the code).

Drug dealers: Strange jargon: "Stick," "Rock," "Dime bag," "E".
Software developers: Strange jargon: "SCSI," "RTFM," "Java," "ISDN".

Drug dealers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14 to 25 year-old
market.
Software developers: Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14 to 25
year-old market.

Drug dealers: Job is assisted by more potent mixes.
Software developers: Job is assisted by the newer, faster machines.

Drug dealers: Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers.
Software developers: Often seen in the company of marketing people and
venture capitalists.

Drug dealers: Their product causes unhealthy addictions.
Software developers: DOOM, Quake, SimCity, Duke Nukem... all unhealthy
addictions.

Drug dealers: Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars
who depend on you.
Software developers: Do your job well and you'll have time left over to
download some .JPEG's of sexy movie stars.

Drug dealers: Customers in trouble are given NO ASSISTANCE.
Software developers: Customers in trouble are given TECH SUPPORT.

Drug dealers: No Refunds! No Returns!
Software developers: No Refunds! No Returns!

[Kruzin]

Redneck Etiquette

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before
shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to
change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included
in the will, it is still considered tacky to
drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT

1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the
paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise"
the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always
hold it with your fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

1. A centerpiece for the table should never be
anything prepared by a taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...
no matter how good his manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this
is a job that should be done in private using
one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing
for several days. However, if you live alone,
deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a
social no-no, as they tend to detract from a
woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook,
especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested:
I. E. "I've been wanting to go out with you since I
read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is
expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others
might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school
on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and
picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen.
Tests have proven they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS

1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. leisure suit with a
cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and
shoes for this special occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles;
Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four way stop, the vehicle
with the largest tires always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas
can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
unless you're driving the Hearse.

[SteveC]

Getting bored......need fun!

> HUMOROUS ANAGRAMS:
>
>
>
> DAVID GINOLA - VAGINA DILDO
> TEDDY SHERINGHAM - TEDDY MINGE RASH
> TONY BLAIR PM - I'M TORY PLAN B
> VIRGINIA BOTTOMLEY - I'M AN EVIL TORY BIGOT
> MICHAEL HESELTINE - ELECT HIM, HE'S ALIEN
> DAVID MELLOR - DILDO MARVEL
> THE HOUSES OF PARLIAMENT - LOONIES FAR UP THE THAMES
> FRANCOIS MITTERAND - MAD STRAIN OF CRETIN
> PERFORMANCE RELATED PAY - MERE END OF YEAR CLAPTRAP
> DAME AGATHA CHRISTIE - I AM A RIGHT DEATH CASE
> THE OPEN UNIVERSITY - INTRUSIVE NEOPHYTE
> THE METROPOLITAN POLICE FORCE - I'M FELLATIO, THE ERECT PORNO COP
> ACORN COMPUTERS - CRAP TO CONSUMER
> BENSON AND HEDGES - NHS BEEN A GODSEND
> EASTENDERS - NEEDS A REST
> HOME AND AWAY - AHA..YAWN MODE
> ELDORADO - REAL DODO
> SELINA SCOTT - ELASTIC SNOT
> ACTORS - SCROTA
> ROBERT DE NIRO - ERROR ON BIDET
> RITA HAYWORTH - HOT HAIRY WART
> SIR ALEC GUINNESS - CLEARING SINUSES
> MEL GIBSON - BIG MELONS
> ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER - HE'S GROWN LARGE 'N' CRAZED
> KYLIE MINOGUE - I LIKE 'EM YOUNG
> GLORIA ESTEFAN - LARGE FAT NOISE
> CHRIS REA - RICH ARSE
> MARTI PELLOW - ILL TAPEWORM
> MADONNA, THE MATERIAL GIRL - REAL DIM MAN-EATING HARLOT
> OSSIE ARDILES - ARSE IS SOILED
> DIEGO MARADONA - O DEAR, I'M A GONAD
> MARTINA NAVRATILOVA - VARIANT RIVAL TO A MAN
> GABRIELA SABATINI - INSATIABLE AIR BAG
> IRRITABLE BOWEL SYNDROME - O MY TERRIBLE DRAINS BELOW
> REV. IAN PAISLEY - VILE IRA PANSEY
> BODDINGTONS, THE CREAM OF MANCHESTER - BODDINGTONS
> STOMACH ACHE FERMENTER
> STELLA ARTOIS, REASSURINGLY EXPENSIVE - PINT 'O' LAGER
> VIRTUALLY ERASES SEXINESS
> PENTIUM PROCESSOR - COMPUTERISES PORN
> MOTORWAY SERVICE CENTRE - I EAT CORONARY VOMIT STEW


------------------
Cheers,
Steve

PS: Some or all of the above message may be wrong, or, just as likely, correct. Depends on what mood I'm in. And what you know. ;¬)

[RatSak]

OOOOOHHHH YEAH, YOU IS BORED!!!!

[Fat Tone]

A Prayer for the Stressed.

Grant me the serenity to accept things I cannot change,
the courage to change things I cannot accept,
and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off.
And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow.
Help me always to give 100% at work
12% Monday
23% Tuesday
40% Wednesday
20% Thursday

5% Friday
And help me to remember…….
When I am having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off,
that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me!


Amen

[Clint]

"Giving the Finger"

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of
fighting in the future. This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew").

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset, and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French saying, "See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!"

Over the years some 'folk etymologies' have grown up around symbolic gesture. Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say like "pleasant mother pheasant plucker", which is who you had to go to for the feathers used on the arrows for the longbow, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative 'F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird".

Clint

[This message has been edited by Clint (edited 09-24-1999).]

[jedimasta]

Thank you all, my jokes list has now been blasted with several new emails!

------------------
JÊÐî /'\å§tå
-“Artificial Intelligence is no match to Natural Stupidity!”

[GinoCyber]

BUMPER STICKER'S

- Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.
- My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
- If At First You Don't Succeed...blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
- This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
- Illiterate? Write For Help
- Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!
- How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?


Ciao