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**SteveC** · 12 October 1999, 15:56

OK, this is something you just HAVE to read. The 'Bastard Operator From Hell'.
http://www.iinet.net.au/~bofh/index.html#Original

It is just such a good story!

------------------
Cheers,
Steve

PS: Some or all of the above message may be wrong, or, just as likely, correct. Depends on what mood I'm in. And what you know. ;¬)

**tish beta2** · 12 October 1999, 17:40

If I knew more about linux I would pherhaps have laughed myself to death instead of just ROTFL (or what it is)?

Ok here's mine

A couple of guys are sitting in a bar on the top of a 50-story.
The first guy orders his tenth beer, looks at the second guy and says, "Come 'ere. I wanna show ya somethin'."
The second guy shrugs and follows the first over to the window. The first guy opens up the window and says, "look at this!"
Without warning, he jumps out the window. He falls 10, 20, 30, 40 stories, then suddenly bounces right back up and into the bar.
The second guy's jaw hits the floor. "How the hell did you do that?"
"Air currents," explains the first. "Wanna try it?"
"No thanks," says the second, shying away from the window.
"Come on- it's perfectly safe- I'll even do it again." Once again, he jumps out the window, and ten stories before the ground, suddenly bounds back into the bar.
The second guy says, "awe... what the hell." He gets a running start and jumps out the window. He falls 10, 20, 30, 40... splat. The first guy looks out the window and shrugs, the takes his seat back at the bar.
The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Superman- you're a reall ass hole when your drunk."

**Joel** · 12 October 1999, 18:13

The following is rumored to be a true story from the Amoco Petroleum Company

Christmas Party in Melbourne, Australia last year. At the Staff Christmas party last year the staff decided to pull a practical joke on their boss who had a habit of playing serious practical jokes on everyone else.

When he went to the toilet, they went through his wallet and found his State Lotto
Ticket. Then, they wrote down his numbers and called over the waitress to set up a little prank. She came back half an hour later and asked if anyone wanted to know the results of that night's Lotto draw, then proceeded to read his numbers out aloud, before setting the numbers on the table. The
boss looked at the numbers, then casually pulled out his ticket from his wallet and compared them.

He became really silent, put his wallet back in his jacket and sat down again, and checked the numbers, very carefully. Then, he sculled his drink, stood up on his chair and shouted out to the whole room, "I just want to let you all know something. I've been having an affair with my secretary for
months. I don't like any of you, and I have hated working for this company. You can all go to Hell, 'cause I've just won a shit-load of money, and I'm leaving"

End of job
End of marriage
End of story
>

**ALBPM** · 12 October 1999, 18:21

Just got this one from my Sister In-law.

DIARY OF A MAD VIAGRA HOUSEWIFE
Day 1--Just celebrated our 25th anniversary with not much to celebrate.
When it came time to reenact our wedding night, he locked himself in the bathroom
and cried.
Day 2--Today he told me he has a big secret to tell me. He's impotent, he says, and wants me to be the first to know. Why doesn't he tell me something I DON'T know!I mean, give me a break! He's been dysfunctional
for so long, he even WALKS with a limp!!
Day 3--This marriage is in trouble. A woman has needs you know! Sometimes I need something too! Yesterday, I saw a picture of the Washington Monument and burst into tears!
Day 4--A miracle has happened!! There's an new drug on the market that will fix his "problem". It's called Viagra. I told him that if he takes Viagra, things will be just like they were on our wedding night. He asked
me if this time I would say HIS name at the glorious moment".
Day 5--Oh what a glorious morning!! The sun is shining, the birds are singing. My needs have been fulfilled. Everything is perfect.
Day 6--Again?
Day 7--This Viagra thing is going to his head. (No pun intended)
Yesterday, at Burger King, the kid behind the counter asked him if he wanted a whopper. He told him, "No thanks. I've already got one."
Day 8--I think he took too many over the weekend. Yesterday, instead of mowing the lawn, he was using his new "friend" as a weed whacker.
Day 9--Okay, I admit it. I'm hiding. I mean, a girl can only take so much. And to make matters worse, he's washing the Viagra down with hard cider!
The photo of Janet Reno isn't working anymore. What am I going to do?
Day 10--I'm basically being drilled to death. It's like going out with Black and Decker.
Day 11--I wish he was gay. I've bought him 20 Liza Minelli albums and the
Sweatin' to the Oldies tape and he keeps coming after me.
Day 12--Now I know how Saddam Hussein's wife feels. Every time I shut my eyes, there's a sneak attack!! It's like going to bed with a scud missile!
Day 13--I've done everything to turn him off. Nothing works. I even started dressing like a nun. He says penguins turn him on.
Day 14--I can't take it anymore. I think I'm going to have to kill Him. I just worry about one thing-how will they ever get the lid to close on his casket??

Paul

**ALBPM** · 12 October 1999, 18:39

Here's another one

Teaching Math thru the ages....

Teaching math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M". Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the
following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Teaching math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Underline the number 20.

Teaching math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Teaching math in 1997: The company outsources all of its loggers. The firm
saves on benefits and when demand for product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had 3 weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance.
The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Teaching math in 1998: A laid off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises
collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Teaching math in 1999: A laid off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on the Y2K project. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/2000?

Paul

**ALBPM** · 12 October 1999, 18:49

This one is a re-run no pun intended, um

1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work.

Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE:
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment.

This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car & speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter at the urinal,
pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee):
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH:
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location.This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the shitter. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER:
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out OF THE CLOSET POOPER before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN):
This is a group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN:
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
A pooper who does not realize that you're in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. TURD BURGLARS have been know to cause premature pinchage, which inevitably causes you to pinch one off in the middle.

CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE:
This is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert all potential TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON:
A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET:
A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED:
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY:
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

Paul

**Brian R.** · 12 October 1999, 19:50

Old Lady and The Almonds
A priest decides one mid weekday to visit one of his elderly parishoners, Mrs Smith. He rings the door bell and Mrs Smith appears.

"Good Day Mrs Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how your are doing" The woman says, "Oh just fine Father, come on in and we'll have some tea."

While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?", the priest says.
"Not at all, have as many as you like".

After a few hours the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visting says to Mrs Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh but dear me I have eaten all your almonds. I'll have to replace them next time I visit."

To which Mrs Smith replied, "Oh don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."

**Rimfaxe** · 12 October 1999, 23:25

Three girlfriends

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love
you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says,
"I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so
much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says,
"I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.

**SCompRacer** · 13 October 1999, 09:46

Bad little Johnny stood up in class and said "Teach, I gotta go piss."

Miss Jones, his teacher exclaimed "Johnny, that was crude, vulgar, and a poorly structured sentence. I want you to use the correct word, which is urinate, in a proper sentence before you may go anywhere."

Johnny anxiously shifts from one leg to another, the pressure unbearable. He finally blurts out "you know teach, urinate, but if your boobs were a little bigger, you would be a 10. Now can I go piss?"

**Speedy** · 13 October 1999, 10:28

lol, some of these are hillarious!
LMAO

**Brian R.** · 13 October 1999, 10:48

Kid's Finishing Sayings (1st Grade)

As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You... Mess It Up.

Better Be Safe Than... Punch A 5th Grader.

Strike While The... Bug Is Close.

It's Always Darkest Before... Daylight Savings Time.

Never Under Estimate The Power Of... Termites.

You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?

Don't Bite The Hand That... Looks Dirty.

No News Is... Impossible.

A Miss Is As Good As A... Mr.

You Can't Teach An Old Dog New... Math.

If You Lie Down With The Dogs, You'll... Stink In The Morning.

Love All, Trust.. Me

The Pen Is Mightier Than The... Pigs.

An Idle Mind Is... The Best Way To Relax.

Where There's Smoke, There's... Pollution.

Happy The Bride Who... Gets All The Presents!

A Penny Saved Is... Not Much.

Two's Company, Three's... The Musketeers.

Don't Put Off Tomorrow What... You Put On To Go To Bed.

Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And... You Have To Blow Your Nose.

Children Should Be Seen And Not... Spanked Or Grounded.

If At First You Don't Succeed... Get New Batteries.

You Get Out Of Something What You... See Pictured On The Box.

When The Blind Leadeth The Blind... Get Out Of The Way.

There Is No Fool Like... Aunt Eddie.

**LAMFDTK** · 13 October 1999, 11:54

Tech Support Rules

1. Don't write anything down. We can play back the error messages from here.

2. When a tech says he's coming right over, go for coffee. It's nothing for
us
to remember 481 screen saver passwords.

3. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried
under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried
flowers,
bowling trophies and Popsicle art. We don't have a life, and we find it
deeply
moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.

4. Send urgent emails all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and
flags it as a rush delivery.

5. When you call a tech's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual
greeting that says he's out of town for a week, record your message and wait
exactly
24 hours before you send an email straight to the director because no one
ever
returned your call. You're entitled to common courtesy.

6. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's
electronics in it.

7. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on a tech's chair with
no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a
puzzle.

8. When a tech tells you that computer monitors don't have cartridges in
them, argue. We love a good argument.

9. When you get a message about insufficient disk space, delete everything
in the Windows directory. It's nothing but trouble anyway.

10. When you get a message about a hard disk controller failure, and then
you reboot and it looks okay, don't call tech support. We'd much rather
troubleshoot it when it's dead as a doornail.

11. When you have a tech on the phone walking you through changing a
setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything; we
just love
to hear ourselves talk.

12. When a tech tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing
tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That'll
get us
going.

13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print
jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

14. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all
68 printers in the branch. One of them is bound to work.

15. Don't learn the proper name for anything technical. We know exactly what
you mean by "my thingy's outta hack".

16. Don't ever thank us. We're getting paid for this.

17. When a tech asks you whether you've installed any new software on this
computer, lie. It's nobody's business what you've got on your computer.

18. If the space bar on your keyboard doesn't work, blame it on the mail
upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin
crumbs and nail clippings in them.

19. When you get a message saying "Are you sure?" click on that "Yes" button
as fast as you can. Hell, if you weren't sure, you wouldn't be doing it,
would you?

20. When you find a tech on the phone with his bank, sit uninvited on the
corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. we don't have any
money to
speak of anyway.

21. Feel perfectly free to say things like "I don't know nothing about that
computer crap". We don't mind at all hearing our area of professional
expertise referred to as crap.

22. When you need to change the toner cartridge, call tech support. Changing
a toner cartridge is an extremely complex task, and Hewlett-Packard
recommends
that it be performed only by a Professional engineer with a master's degree
in nuclear physics.

23. When you receive a 30-meg movie file, send it to everyone as a mail
attachment. We got lots of disk space on that mail server.

24. When a tech gets on the elevator pushing $15,000 worth of computer
equipment on a cart, ask in a very loud voice: "Good grief, you take the
elevator to
go DOWN one floor?" That's another one that cracks us up to no end.

25. When you bump into a tech at the grocery store on a Saturday, ask a
computer question. We don't do weekends.

26. Don't bother to tell us when you move computers around on your own.
Computer names are just a cosmetic feature in NT 4.0; they won't be doing
anything
useful until the next major release.

27. When you can't access some shared directory on your boss's machine, just
tell us that you've lost your X: drive. We know all that crap by heart.

28. If you need to buy a computer for your daughter in college, feel free to
pick our brains while we're taking a leak. We're good at talking shop with
our Johnson in our hands.

29. We're aware of that problem with computers just sitting there and not
doing anything. We're confident that with the next service pack they'll be
able
to dance the jig.

30. The correct location to store important files is the Recycle Bin. It's
just like a real office, where you keep your tax receipts in the blue can
under
your desk.

31. If you miss Windows 3.1, find the line that goes shell=explorer.exe in
your SYSTEM.INI file and replace it with shell=progman.exe. It makes
troubleshooting infinitely easier when we ask you whether you have a
Start button at the bottom of your screen and you truthfully answer us that
you don't.

32. If you curse every morning when you start to type your password and the
Virus Shield splash screen pops up in your face, disable the Virus Shield.
Again, this is just like real life: if you don't like condoms, just
don't use them, that's all.

33. We don't really believe that you're a bunch of ungrateful twits. It
hurts our feelings that you could even think such a thing. We wish to
express our
deepest gratitude to the hundreds of clueless losers portrayed
herein, without which none of this would have been remotely possible.

**Tessen** · 13 October 1999, 12:04

A truck driver dies and goes to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter congratulates him and welcomes him in.

"Can I ask a favour?" asks the truck driver.

"All right," says St. Peter. "What is it?

"Well, I've been a truck driver practically all my life, and I wouldn't feel right being here without my truck. Would you mind if I go get it?"

"No problem," says St. Peter, "I'll wait for you."

So the truck driver goes back to Earth, and in a little while drives up in his big rig. The Pearly Gates open wide to let him through. As he drives through, the truck driver asks St. Peter where he can park the truck.

"Over there," St. Peter points at a garage.

As the truck driver gets to the garage, the doors open up. He is amazed to see thousands upon thousands of trucks parked inside, and truck drivers milling about everywhere. So he parks the truck and walks back to St. Peter.

"St. Peter," he asks, "what are all these trucks doing parked without any work?"

St. Peter shrugs, "Well, we're still waiting for a dispatcher."

**SteveC** · 13 October 1999, 12:44

HOW TO GET BABES -- A GUIDE FOR GEEKS

Take it from an expert, here's how to get the babes:

1. Show them your T1 lines and your modifications to the Linux kernel -- they'll be very impressed.
2. Grunt when they say anything to you -- remember, avoid eye contact at all costs.
3. Never leave your home -- any babes worthy of your attention will come knocking on your door.
4. Surf the net for porn, so you know what real women should look like.
5. Test whether they really love you; never, ever shave or shower.
6. Don't exercise -- the weak, pudgy mess that you are will evoke maternal feelings of sympathy.
7. Be their knight in shining armor, help them with their school work/computers -- they'll fall in love with
you instantly.
8. If they talk to you, it means that they love you.
9. Remember, girls always prefer email to real mail.
10. Sitting three seats behind them on the bus is a good start.
11. Become a billioniare -- trade money for babes.
12. Write the next, killer software app -- your fame will draw them to you.
13. Remember, what's cool to your geek friends is cool to babes too.
14. Always be practical and logical. Tell her "Why can't you be more rational?" when she has one of those
moods again.
15. Make them understand that you are more evolved than that hunky football star.
16. Declare that you are homosexual -- that never fails to interest them; pounce when guard is down.
17. Babes always go for the stronger man -- duke it out over a game of Quake.
18. Write a geeky web page.
19. Use mnemonics to aid communication e.g. Hello == main(){, Goodbye == }
20. Increase your "reproductive fitness" -- become the Alpha geek of your pack
21. The woman you're talking to on the net really is female and most likely a babe -- and remember,
cybersex is as good as real sex.

OK, some pictures for ye all:

Coochie Coochie, little baby!...

BMW's don't use windows...

The Clinton Memorial...

Hilary, the intern...

How NOT to take it up the ass...

No more Pie Charts?...

NSA has a problem...

The NSA does what again?...

Does your Boss really shit on you?...

------------------
Cheers,
Steve

PS: Some or all of the above message may be wrong, or, just as likely, correct. Depends on what mood I'm in. And what you know. ;¬)

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