Joke

[SteveC]

Calm down on the sig!

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Cheers,
Steve

PS: Some or all of the above message may be wrong, or, just as likely, correct. Depends on what mood I'm in. And what you know. ;¬)

[Wombat]

Agreed. Why not just a link to your specs? I'm tired of drooling.

[SCompRacer]

Turbo, so whats the Danger with EZ SCSI?

Have a similar system, except have EZ CD Creator 4 now along with Direct CD. Got EZ SCSI 5.0 as well. Only trouble with it was causing a scanner link failure with the UMAX 2400S with the newer release software. But if you installed EZ SCSI after the scanner software, or disabled Quick Scan, it would work OK.

--------------------------------------------
So why do brides wear white?

That's so the dishwasher will match the fridge and stove.

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P III 500 @ 560 via 112 FSB, ASUS P2B-LS w/1010 BIOS, 256 MB 8ns ECC RAM ECC Enabled since 5.13 driver release, current 5.30 drivers, DX 7, Seagate 9 GB LVD Cheetah & 9 GB UW Barracuda, 10 GB IDE DiamondMax, Plextor Ultraplex 32 X/Plexwriter 8/2/20 RW, Hitachi GD 2000 IDE DVD CD ROM, SCSI ZIP Insider, G400 MAX @ AGP X 2, SB Live/Liveware 2.1, Sigma Hollywood + DVD decoder, US Robotics 56K Sportster, Sony GDM400PS, UMAX 2400S SCSI scanner, Soundworks 5.1, HP 6P Laser & 890C, SCSI, LAN & USB enabled. SB Live shares IRQ w/MAX, bus mastering enabled, Win98 SE and NT 4.0 SP4.



[This message has been edited by SCompRacer (edited 19 October 1999).]

[SCompRacer]

This is a true story.

A guy goes to the zoo with his wife and young daughter. The Father has a camera to capture the outing on film. As he is taking photos of the Baboons, his young daughter says "Mommy, what's he doing?"

The Mother quickly spins the little girl around and says "Nothing, lets go over here!"

The father does not look away, but instead takes the photo.

NOTE: It is a graphic photo and DO Not click on the link if you would rather not be exposed to it, especially if you have young ones!

<a href="http://www.enteract.com/~richol/beatthis.jpg" target="_blank">PUNCHLINE</a>

[Frank]

Classic shot!

[Brian R.]

Forgetfullness
An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help.

Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.

When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"

"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"

"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."

"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."

With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.

Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?"

[Brian R.]

Having a bad day , from Mikel
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day when you just need
to take it out on someone, don't take that bad day out on someone you
know, take it out on someone you DON'T know!

Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hannifin and could I please speak to
Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't
believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct
number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits
incorrectly.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there
on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more
answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up.

Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass," and put it in my
desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up.

He'd answer, and the I'd yell, "You're a jackass!"

It would always cheer me up. Later in the year the Phone Company
introduced caller ID. This was a real disappointment for me; I would
have to stop calling the jackass. Then one day I had an idea.

I dialed his number, then heard his voice, "Hello."

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our caller
ID program?"

He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you how if
there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do something about
it. Just dial 823-4863.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the parking
space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave. Finally, her car
began to move and she started to very slowly back out of the
slot.

I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room to pull out. Great,
I thought, she's finally leaving. All of a sudden this black Camaro
came flying up the parking aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into
her space.

I started honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy, I
was here first!"

The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me.

I thought to myself, this guy's a jackass, there sure are a lot of
jackasses in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another
place to park. A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk.

I had just gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling,
"You're a jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.)

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro lying on my
desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.

After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."

I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"

"Yes, it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."

"I said, "What's your name?" "My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"

"Yes."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.

After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

For a while, things seemed to be going better for me. Now when I had a
problem I had two jackasses to call. Then after several months of
calling the jackasses and hanging up on them, it just wasn't as
enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and
came up with
a solution.

First, I had my phone dial Jackass #1.

A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."

I yelled "You're a jackass!" but I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No."

He said, "What's your name, Pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro's
parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2.

He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, Jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, Jackass!" And I
hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them I was at
1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill my gay lover as soon
as he got home.

Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on down W.
34th Street.

After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch
the whole thing.

Glorious!

If you want to watch two Jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter, I taped it off the
evening news.

[GinoCyber]

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist
towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the
back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on
it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits!!!!

Ciao

[Frank]

ROTFLMAO hehehehe
Brian R. THAT has to be one of the best ones I have heard in a while. hehehe
Very entertaining.
('cept the cops would trace your call to your house)

[SCompRacer]

A woman was riding in a cab when it broke down. The driver got out, looked under the hood, and got back into the car. The woman asked the cabbie, "do you need a screwdriver?" The cabbie said "might as well, there is nothing else to do."
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Ancient tribal wisdom says when you discover you are riding on a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However, in Government and Corporations:

1) Buy a bigger whip.

2) Change riders.

3) Say things like: "this is the way we have always rode the horse."

4) Appoint a committee to study the horse.

5) Arrange visits to other locations to see how they ride their dead horse.

6) Increase the standards to ride dead horses.

7) Create a training session to increase rider ability.

8) Pass a resolution saying the horse is not dead.

9) Blame the horses parents.

10) Add other dead horses.

11) Making a declaration that no horse is too dead to beat.

12) Do a study to see if contractors can ride cheaper.

13) Making the declaration that the horse is better, faster and cheaper dead.

14) Form a committee to find uses for dead horses.

15) Say this horse was procured with cost as an independant variable.

16) Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.
--------------------------------------------
An 80 year old man was having his annual check up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never felt better!" he boasted. "Matter of fact, I have an 18 year old bride thats pregnant and going to have my child!" "So what do you think about that?"

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day he went out in a hurry and accidentally grabbed an umbrella instead of his gun."

The old man listens intently as the doctor went on. "So he was walking in the woods and suddenly a huge grizzly bear appeared in the path in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle!"

The old man, exicted and intrigued by the story says "go on, what happened?" The doctor says "the bear dropped dead in front of him!"

"Thats impossible!" cried the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear!"

The doctor says "my point exactly!"



[This message has been edited by SCompRacer (edited 20 October 1999).]

[jms]

In church.....

Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?

"I have an idea, "said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at
specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones" said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again.
Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, Motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again, "said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again dozed off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to jab her husband with the
hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones jabbed her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddammed thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[SwAmPlAdY]

- I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

- Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in the car he sticks his head out the window.

- I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.

SwAmPy

[Frank]

And those Ballerina's...always prancing on their tippy toes....
Why dont they just get taller dancers?


The trees swaying from left to right, to and fro....causing more wind in the dogs face.

[Brian R.]

Bad Bird

A man buys a parrot from a pet shop. The parrot is highly intelligent but all he ever does is swears.

Day and night the parrot shouts out obscene words and phrases until one day the man decides to teach him a lesson.

He is standing in the kitchen with the parrot, constantly swearing, seated on his shoulder. The man tells the parrot that if he doesn`t stop swearing he is going to open the door of his freezer and throw him in. The parrot laughs and tells him that he wouldn`t dare.

The parrot ignores the threat and sure enough, the man opens his freezer, grabs the bird by its neck, throws him inside and slams it shut. The bird bangs constantly on the door asking to be let out and promises never to swear again.

After about 5 minutes the man agrees to give the bird 1 more chance and places him back on his shoulder.

After a few minutes the parrot has warmed up again and asks the man, "What did the chicken do?"