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Computer Died? Have a Laugh and Forget
All true excerpts from the slushpile at "Isaac Asimov's Science Fiction Magazine."
(Note: spelling, punctuation, and syntax are all as in the original.)
Out of the dark void came what looked like a giant rabbit followed by small rabbits which had looked as if they had undergone a mutation with three ears and 2 tails. They discovered they were on Rabbitania.
--
Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his men. It was one of the reasons he was chosen for this mission over six other equally qualified men.
--
Freddy was in the habit of staring at Beverly's legs as they peaked from her Susie Wong slit dresses. She had a dozen of them.
--
"Something must have happened, since it's not like her to come back naked and not aware of anything."
--
The eyes of the braver animals ran down my neck and spine.
--
"Bastard! I shall severe your soul."
--
The afternoon was very calm but consolidated. The birds were singing but were not blithesome.
--
He groped in his trousers and came up with a dirty piece of trash which I thought he'd just throw away.
--
"Stand slow!" a voice rang out with hollow ubiquity.
--
When I thought of the poetics of such a confrontation in the blackness of eternity, I laughed sardonically, in a dry voice, to myself.
--
"Good morning, Anna, Lovely maid," Logo said in a soft voice bowing slightly, "How nice to see your structured form again today."
--
The two naked bodies, which were lying beneath the satin sheets, were no longer the people whom everyone, who was anyone, knew whenever reality was in existance.
--
"Oovil snetch," he growled in his mind.
--
My shouted words were lost in the damp chill, and my legs were already beginning to bale out, filling my shoes quickly.
--
The willowy king stood tehre with his usually sick disposition. From the faint light in the hallway, his yellow glaring cat eyes pointed at him.
--
Kildo threw his waning arms around the large granite boulder.
--
Miles looked deep into those clear blue eyes who's debts were infinite.
--
"Be good," he called after her as he bit back the tears in his eyes.
--
Sudenly, all the eyes in the room rose from their fixed positions on the floor to stare at him.
--
Mona was on the liquilounge, her dark eyes pouring over him like warm jello.
--
John wasn't at all surprised at the transformation of his body into what he believed were light waves.
--
Fearless, as he was dumb, he walked over to the edge of the ship.
--
"Are the shields contoured to the ship" the computer asked breathlessly.
--
The universe is a vast region of deep mystery steeped in antiquity.
--
"Do you want to come over and have a gunfight?" I asked. He seemed a bit loath to answer.
--
They were human in every way but they owned the necks, heads, facial expressions were that of a chicken.
--
Of course, his eyes couldn't help but embrace the pool in front of them.
--
Jake was not a man to show much emotion, but he found himself supressing the urge to smile out loud.
--
Ashala's head felt like vermicelli slowly slipping off the platter of her sholders.
--
A pool of surpressedd sweat started building under his forehead.
--
Kincaid was an older man with sparse grey iron hair.
--
And he was damned attractive physically, too. When she looked at him she felt... unusual.
--
Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged her and then gave her body a couple of playful pinches. "Commander please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling.
--
He gazed at what appeared to be an invisable column coming from an infinite distance.
--
Onion oil! I couldn't imagine anyting worse than a daily bath in onion oil.
--
He was tall, thin and bony, like a cadaver trying to remember something, what was it? oh yes! I'm dead, I shouldn't be walking around like this.
--
There would not be many more darknesses before Lyra became a guardian, and if sheh was going to keep hes promises that she would still boil boldy as a guardian, she might as well practice.
--
Talan gestured at the controls. "Overheating of the glycgroms in the thermoperamulator. You know how it is."
--
She is powdered, painted, and tearful, playing again one of her greatest rolls.
--
The man spoke a foreign tonuge to them which they followed with out question.
--
The faces of the children were tear stained and pained Zone Paw to move on.
--
Are you going to go up t her and say, (you have to pardon me I'm form another planet, Let's get together for a life spand.)" The dwarf came back strongly. [all punctuation, etc., *is* accurately transcribed.]
--
"Marry me my beautiful moonlight Luna to this sun-born, non-stop make and viola!"
--
It seems occasionally events occur which had they not happened no one would imagine they could.
--
It ws a planet spinning around Proxima Centauri, an Earth like planet covered with an average of two miles of water.
--
On Nov. 29, 2083 the object wold hit. It's antimatter would interact with ordinary matter on Earth and there would be an explosion with the incredible force of 1000 megatons. New York City is doomed!
--
"Corporeal, we've got to do our best to keep this from the public."
"I know sir, but its already too late."
What do you mean, the general inquired?
"While you were gone I let a curious private in on the secret."
"We've got to stop him."
By now he's long gone. Sorry sir."
"Oh no."
--
He saw the cute way her curly hair floated on her head.
--
Kree's voice grabbed my heart from behind.
--
A large serf of joy rode under Lisa's face.
--
Sublimely, this time, and just by feel, light was even dimmer inside the war machine than merely beneath the overhang that had been gutted out for it keeping its resplendency restrained.
--
Despite the different meanings conjured up in each other's head when the other spoke he knew that in this instance his image was hers.
--
Then his head, which supported his bushy brown hair, turned to look at his sister.
--
It was kind of bazaar for him to see his sister holding the arm of a semi-automatic machine gun.
--
Most people who have seen Dr. Robinson describes him as a strange looking man with coal black hare and a a coal black mustache.
--
I caress her cheek. She shutters.
--
He whetted his lips.
=======================================
True Facts publishes excerpts from unsolicited manuscripts sent to a prominent editor of serious fiction who wishes, understandably, to remain anonymous. These "Lines from the Slushpile" are the pick of the eighties.
-----
"Then it's hopest," Dad said.
"You mean hopless," my mother said. "And it's not hopless!"
-----
The light that was Frannie went out.
-----
Slicing the steak in Rena's cozy kitchen, I considered taking another stab at marriage.
-----
His teacher asked, "Peter, was you annoying Jeanette?"
-----
His organ began to beat so hard he thought it would pop out of his chest.
-----
When Sue and Bob came home, they found their cook in the kitchen, shot to death. "That does it!" Bob said, exasperated. "We're moving!"
-----
Then, when man's hatred for his brother had ripened like a swollen fruit, the fighting started and like a bastard child we named it the Civil War.
-----
Thoughts flew like spaghetti in my brain.
-----
The anguish of being selected a human sacrifice, tied to the altar and about to go to glory, was enough to send the young twenty-year-old warrior's blood pressure sky-high.
-----
Our days were filled with parties, tennis, and golf. But I wanted more. I needed dirty hands and faces to fill my life.
-----
"You made Phi Beta Kappa in college, so there is no need for me to tell you the the debauching of the coterie is an exemplar for every criminally minded youngster in America--and what makes the cotumacious coterie so bold is too much menilty."
-----
"It's not easy to eek out a living," said Yvonne.
-----
"Spider Jackson?" I scoffed. "Spider Jackson? He wouldn't hurt a fly!"
-----
She was furious with her bank teller for eating up her lunch hour.
-----
Without moving, she reached across and kissed him.
-----
"Well," she said suavely, "viola for now."
-----
The sudden expulsion of air caused the pouches of skin he used for cheeks to flutter like sails before a stiff wind.
-----
Dora was pleased as punch to be chosen chairman of the refreshments committee.
-----
My mind flew back in time to fathom the cause and effect of what I now had to face in grim retrospect.
-----
Mrs. Rogers said, "I'm sorry I lost my temper, but I was grumpy, and when I'm grumpy I get grouchy."
-----
Ken's body declared war, and since he failed to retreat until the wee hours, it painfully assaulted him in an all-out morning blitzkrieg, taking no prisoners.
-----
The editor sighed. Look at all those Type O's.
-----
The four-story ranch house, flanked by cypress columns, looked majestically down on Route 66.
-----
It was like an old Alan Ladd movie I saw with Veronica Lake.
-----
Leonard had long ago given up dreams of becoming another Ernie Pyle, the famous correspondent, Pulitzer prize winner, or great playwright.
-----
"I'm glad I'm not out on a night like this," Sarah said. "We need the rain, Sarah," Daniel rebuked her. He picked up the newspaper and was soon absorbed in its pages.
-----
Josh was at his sexual peek.
-----
Kathy liked going to the supermarket. That was where she bumped into all her neighbors.
-----
"An omelet for mademoiselle," Jimmy pronounced, "and an 'amburger pour moi." I think that was when I fell in love with him.
-----
"I went to J.R. Irving's house," she sobbed, "and he tried to have his way towards me." "If you mean rape, I'm with you all the way," Donnie said.
-----
"Why am I like this? What am I like this? I'll tell you why I'm like this! Because those people at the party are all brittle, shallow people and I cannot see their souls!"
-----
"Thank you, Robere--you and your gendarmes played a crucial role in the Gaullic drama of justice."
-----
I knew I had a bestseller in me--all I had to do was plumb my depths and out it would come, like some literary bowel movement.
-----
The medical examiner zipped his bag closed officiously. It looked to him like an open and shut case.
-----
"Os swoh skcirt?" Jack asked when I arrived at the office.
"I'm fine, Jack," I said. "But you know I hate it when you talk backwards.
-----
With her splendid blond mane and her ripe figure, Sally splendidly embodied the splendor of our American continent.
-----
"Just a few questions," the lieutenant said.
"My ass," said the redhead.
The lieutenant didn't like profanity but he had to admire the woman's spirited quality. It was easy to see how she had risen so fast in the business world.
-----
"I'd like to know what kind of jobs are open to me," Wes told the recruiter, "with the Army and the other services, and anything else I need to know to make up my mind which branch would be best for me."
"Wow, you sure know what you want!" Sergeant Lang said. "I sure wish the other fellows coming in here were as sharp as you!"
-----
The garage was littered with greasy wrenches and screwdrivers.
-----
Dan wasn't much, Clara admitted, but at least he was an up-and-coming lawyer or businessman.
-----
Carlotta's eyes dropped to the handkerchief in her hands.
-----
"You know me," Sammy said. "I never like to lay a gilt trip on anyone."
-----
There was an "evil hint in the air," as a professional writer might put it.
-----
Clues don't kill people, the inspector thought. People kill people.
-----
Dale was not one to mince words and came directly to the point. "Hi," he said.
-----
George Cohan soundlessly placed his lips to hers and excused himself to go and fix them another drink.
(Note: spelling, punctuation, and syntax are all as in the original.)
Out of the dark void came what looked like a giant rabbit followed by small rabbits which had looked as if they had undergone a mutation with three ears and 2 tails. They discovered they were on Rabbitania.
--
Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his men. It was one of the reasons he was chosen for this mission over six other equally qualified men.
--
Freddy was in the habit of staring at Beverly's legs as they peaked from her Susie Wong slit dresses. She had a dozen of them.
--
"Something must have happened, since it's not like her to come back naked and not aware of anything."
--
The eyes of the braver animals ran down my neck and spine.
--
"Bastard! I shall severe your soul."
--
The afternoon was very calm but consolidated. The birds were singing but were not blithesome.
--
He groped in his trousers and came up with a dirty piece of trash which I thought he'd just throw away.
--
"Stand slow!" a voice rang out with hollow ubiquity.
--
When I thought of the poetics of such a confrontation in the blackness of eternity, I laughed sardonically, in a dry voice, to myself.
--
"Good morning, Anna, Lovely maid," Logo said in a soft voice bowing slightly, "How nice to see your structured form again today."
--
The two naked bodies, which were lying beneath the satin sheets, were no longer the people whom everyone, who was anyone, knew whenever reality was in existance.
--
"Oovil snetch," he growled in his mind.
--
My shouted words were lost in the damp chill, and my legs were already beginning to bale out, filling my shoes quickly.
--
The willowy king stood tehre with his usually sick disposition. From the faint light in the hallway, his yellow glaring cat eyes pointed at him.
--
Kildo threw his waning arms around the large granite boulder.
--
Miles looked deep into those clear blue eyes who's debts were infinite.
--
"Be good," he called after her as he bit back the tears in his eyes.
--
Sudenly, all the eyes in the room rose from their fixed positions on the floor to stare at him.
--
Mona was on the liquilounge, her dark eyes pouring over him like warm jello.
--
John wasn't at all surprised at the transformation of his body into what he believed were light waves.
--
Fearless, as he was dumb, he walked over to the edge of the ship.
--
"Are the shields contoured to the ship" the computer asked breathlessly.
--
The universe is a vast region of deep mystery steeped in antiquity.
--
"Do you want to come over and have a gunfight?" I asked. He seemed a bit loath to answer.
--
They were human in every way but they owned the necks, heads, facial expressions were that of a chicken.
--
Of course, his eyes couldn't help but embrace the pool in front of them.
--
Jake was not a man to show much emotion, but he found himself supressing the urge to smile out loud.
--
Ashala's head felt like vermicelli slowly slipping off the platter of her sholders.
--
A pool of surpressedd sweat started building under his forehead.
--
Kincaid was an older man with sparse grey iron hair.
--
And he was damned attractive physically, too. When she looked at him she felt... unusual.
--
Instinctively, without thinking about it, he grabbed the woman and hugged her and then gave her body a couple of playful pinches. "Commander please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling.
--
He gazed at what appeared to be an invisable column coming from an infinite distance.
--
Onion oil! I couldn't imagine anyting worse than a daily bath in onion oil.
--
He was tall, thin and bony, like a cadaver trying to remember something, what was it? oh yes! I'm dead, I shouldn't be walking around like this.
--
There would not be many more darknesses before Lyra became a guardian, and if sheh was going to keep hes promises that she would still boil boldy as a guardian, she might as well practice.
--
Talan gestured at the controls. "Overheating of the glycgroms in the thermoperamulator. You know how it is."
--
She is powdered, painted, and tearful, playing again one of her greatest rolls.
--
The man spoke a foreign tonuge to them which they followed with out question.
--
The faces of the children were tear stained and pained Zone Paw to move on.
--
Are you going to go up t her and say, (you have to pardon me I'm form another planet, Let's get together for a life spand.)" The dwarf came back strongly. [all punctuation, etc., *is* accurately transcribed.]
--
"Marry me my beautiful moonlight Luna to this sun-born, non-stop make and viola!"
--
It seems occasionally events occur which had they not happened no one would imagine they could.
--
It ws a planet spinning around Proxima Centauri, an Earth like planet covered with an average of two miles of water.
--
On Nov. 29, 2083 the object wold hit. It's antimatter would interact with ordinary matter on Earth and there would be an explosion with the incredible force of 1000 megatons. New York City is doomed!
--
"Corporeal, we've got to do our best to keep this from the public."
"I know sir, but its already too late."
What do you mean, the general inquired?
"While you were gone I let a curious private in on the secret."
"We've got to stop him."
By now he's long gone. Sorry sir."
"Oh no."
--
He saw the cute way her curly hair floated on her head.
--
Kree's voice grabbed my heart from behind.
--
A large serf of joy rode under Lisa's face.
--
Sublimely, this time, and just by feel, light was even dimmer inside the war machine than merely beneath the overhang that had been gutted out for it keeping its resplendency restrained.
--
Despite the different meanings conjured up in each other's head when the other spoke he knew that in this instance his image was hers.
--
Then his head, which supported his bushy brown hair, turned to look at his sister.
--
It was kind of bazaar for him to see his sister holding the arm of a semi-automatic machine gun.
--
Most people who have seen Dr. Robinson describes him as a strange looking man with coal black hare and a a coal black mustache.
--
I caress her cheek. She shutters.
--
He whetted his lips.
=======================================
True Facts publishes excerpts from unsolicited manuscripts sent to a prominent editor of serious fiction who wishes, understandably, to remain anonymous. These "Lines from the Slushpile" are the pick of the eighties.
-----
"Then it's hopest," Dad said.
"You mean hopless," my mother said. "And it's not hopless!"
-----
The light that was Frannie went out.
-----
Slicing the steak in Rena's cozy kitchen, I considered taking another stab at marriage.
-----
His teacher asked, "Peter, was you annoying Jeanette?"
-----
His organ began to beat so hard he thought it would pop out of his chest.
-----
When Sue and Bob came home, they found their cook in the kitchen, shot to death. "That does it!" Bob said, exasperated. "We're moving!"
-----
Then, when man's hatred for his brother had ripened like a swollen fruit, the fighting started and like a bastard child we named it the Civil War.
-----
Thoughts flew like spaghetti in my brain.
-----
The anguish of being selected a human sacrifice, tied to the altar and about to go to glory, was enough to send the young twenty-year-old warrior's blood pressure sky-high.
-----
Our days were filled with parties, tennis, and golf. But I wanted more. I needed dirty hands and faces to fill my life.
-----
"You made Phi Beta Kappa in college, so there is no need for me to tell you the the debauching of the coterie is an exemplar for every criminally minded youngster in America--and what makes the cotumacious coterie so bold is too much menilty."
-----
"It's not easy to eek out a living," said Yvonne.
-----
"Spider Jackson?" I scoffed. "Spider Jackson? He wouldn't hurt a fly!"
-----
She was furious with her bank teller for eating up her lunch hour.
-----
Without moving, she reached across and kissed him.
-----
"Well," she said suavely, "viola for now."
-----
The sudden expulsion of air caused the pouches of skin he used for cheeks to flutter like sails before a stiff wind.
-----
Dora was pleased as punch to be chosen chairman of the refreshments committee.
-----
My mind flew back in time to fathom the cause and effect of what I now had to face in grim retrospect.
-----
Mrs. Rogers said, "I'm sorry I lost my temper, but I was grumpy, and when I'm grumpy I get grouchy."
-----
Ken's body declared war, and since he failed to retreat until the wee hours, it painfully assaulted him in an all-out morning blitzkrieg, taking no prisoners.
-----
The editor sighed. Look at all those Type O's.
-----
The four-story ranch house, flanked by cypress columns, looked majestically down on Route 66.
-----
It was like an old Alan Ladd movie I saw with Veronica Lake.
-----
Leonard had long ago given up dreams of becoming another Ernie Pyle, the famous correspondent, Pulitzer prize winner, or great playwright.
-----
"I'm glad I'm not out on a night like this," Sarah said. "We need the rain, Sarah," Daniel rebuked her. He picked up the newspaper and was soon absorbed in its pages.
-----
Josh was at his sexual peek.
-----
Kathy liked going to the supermarket. That was where she bumped into all her neighbors.
-----
"An omelet for mademoiselle," Jimmy pronounced, "and an 'amburger pour moi." I think that was when I fell in love with him.
-----
"I went to J.R. Irving's house," she sobbed, "and he tried to have his way towards me." "If you mean rape, I'm with you all the way," Donnie said.
-----
"Why am I like this? What am I like this? I'll tell you why I'm like this! Because those people at the party are all brittle, shallow people and I cannot see their souls!"
-----
"Thank you, Robere--you and your gendarmes played a crucial role in the Gaullic drama of justice."
-----
I knew I had a bestseller in me--all I had to do was plumb my depths and out it would come, like some literary bowel movement.
-----
The medical examiner zipped his bag closed officiously. It looked to him like an open and shut case.
-----
"Os swoh skcirt?" Jack asked when I arrived at the office.
"I'm fine, Jack," I said. "But you know I hate it when you talk backwards.
-----
With her splendid blond mane and her ripe figure, Sally splendidly embodied the splendor of our American continent.
-----
"Just a few questions," the lieutenant said.
"My ass," said the redhead.
The lieutenant didn't like profanity but he had to admire the woman's spirited quality. It was easy to see how she had risen so fast in the business world.
-----
"I'd like to know what kind of jobs are open to me," Wes told the recruiter, "with the Army and the other services, and anything else I need to know to make up my mind which branch would be best for me."
"Wow, you sure know what you want!" Sergeant Lang said. "I sure wish the other fellows coming in here were as sharp as you!"
-----
The garage was littered with greasy wrenches and screwdrivers.
-----
Dan wasn't much, Clara admitted, but at least he was an up-and-coming lawyer or businessman.
-----
Carlotta's eyes dropped to the handkerchief in her hands.
-----
"You know me," Sammy said. "I never like to lay a gilt trip on anyone."
-----
There was an "evil hint in the air," as a professional writer might put it.
-----
Clues don't kill people, the inspector thought. People kill people.
-----
Dale was not one to mince words and came directly to the point. "Hi," he said.
-----
George Cohan soundlessly placed his lips to hers and excused himself to go and fix them another drink.