We need more topics in this forum

[FaRaN]

Common people let me laugh more! Go post some crazy topics!
Laughter is good for thy health!

ah... well...

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In case it's a harware problem:
PIII-500, 256 MB, G400 MAX DH on, ABIT BH6, MX300
Win2K drivers: 5.03

[FaRaN]

God I'm bored....

[Paddy]

want to do some revision for me?

[Helevitia]

Horror - Do's and Don'ts :

* When it appears that you have killed the monster, *never* check
to see if it's really dead.
* If you find that your house is built upon or near a cemetery, that
was once a church that was used for black
masses, had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed
suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who
performed necrophilia or satanic practices, move away immediately.
* Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke. Do
not search the basement, especially if the power has just gone out.
* As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
* If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason.
Take the hint and stay away.
* Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you
know what you are doing.
* If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at
least twice, more if you are of the female persuasion. Also note that,
despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely
shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
* Do not keep all your sharpened kitchen knifes in one of those
wooden block thingies on your worksurface.
* When you're searching a house because you think there's something
dangerous there, for God's sake turn the bloody lights on!
* Never back out of one room into another without looking. It's always
behind you.
* Never, ever, ever turn off the paved road onto a gravel or dirt road.
* Always make sure that your car has a fresh battery so it will start
immediately in times of crisis.
* Never say that you'll be right back because you won't.
* If anything other than water (blood, thick goo of any color) comes
out of a faucet, do not call a plumber. Leave the house immediately.
* If, looking in a mirror, you see a figure behind you that you don't
see upon turning around, you see a different room than the one you
are in, you see a figure other than yourself looking back, or your
reflection tells you to get out before it is too late, proceed to the
nearest exit with all speed.
* If you open a door and the room you see is not the room that
should be there, do not explore it. In fact, even if you close the door
and see the correct room after re-opening it, vacate the house.

---------------------------------------------------------
Horror - Survival How To's

* Always check the back seat of your car.
* The first time that you are absolutely sure that the monster/
killer is dead or the hellgate is finally closed forever, you are
in the most danger. Don't relax.
* Objects moving in a mysterious fashion should be considered
a very bad sign.
* If on a stormy night, you find a window open which you thought
was previously closed, do not close it. It may be your only way
out when whatever has come in through it is chasing you.
* If you come into possession of a strange old artifact and any
exotic person (old wizened oriental, gypsy, indian medicine
man) warns you to do/not do something, do not do just the
opposite in order to demonstrate how silly they are.
* Anniversary nights of executions, horrible murders, or terrifying
rituals should be viewed with fear. Especially on the spot where
the event took place. Most especially on even century
anniversaries. And certainly if you or a friend is somehow
descended from one of the original participants.
* If one of your group is missing for a while and, upon returning,
no longer seems as frightened, assuring you that there is really
nothing to be worried about, do not let them get behind you.
They have joined the other team.
* If your friend turns into a demon and then suddenly turns back
to normal, kill them because they are not normal!
* After you kill the maniac, don't stand anywhere near the body
and don't drop the gun, knife or other instrument of death because
(1) they are not dead; and (2) you will be needing the instrument
of death again.
* Kill the person in the group who suggests that you split up.
They will eventually get you killed.
* Kill the greedy person in the group. They will eventually get
you killed.
* Never, make fun of the local yocal's stories about deformed
killer babies in backwoods towns--you can bet they are real
and you might get it angry.
* Never be with the group who plays vicious pranks on the shy
strange new kid, those pranksters will soon meet their doom
and often in a horribly gory way.
* If the female or male in your group is too scared to shoot when
the monster is bearing down on you, grab the gun and shoot the
monster yourself or use your weapon to kill both the monster and
your friend, especially if there are more monsters around. Your
friend was dead weight.
* Go ahead and slap the screaming hysterical girl, she will be
the one to distract everyone when there really is danger.
* Nothing is ever over if it is still nighttime.
* If it seems like you have just woken up from a horrible
nightmare, chances are you are still in grave danger.
* Take heed of all warnings from animals and children. They
usually know more than you do.
* Never run to the top floor of any building if you are being chased
by a maniac/monster. Your only way out will be to jump.
* Never publicly announce your plans for the future if you make
it out alive. It guarantees that you have no future.
* Never under any circumstances run upstairs if you are being chased.

[Cmag]

You know Helevitia, some of us actually have to try and sleep tonight!!

Umm, just one question. When you are sitting at your computer all alone at night and you hear something from outside the open window behind you (which is on the second floor), should you turn and look out the window, or just pretend you didn't here it? Please get back to me as soon as possible!!!!

Cmag

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Consequences smonsequences, as long as I’m rich

[Jammrock]

On a lighter note:

***** How to Please Your IT Department *****

1. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children’s art. We don’t have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a glimpse of yours.

2. Don’t write anything down. EVER! We can play back the error messages from here.

3. When an IT person says he is coming right over, go for a smoke break or coffee. That way you won’t be there when we need your password. It’s nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver and login passwords.

4. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what’s keeping you from getting it. We don’t need to know that you can’t get your email because your computer won’t turn on.

5. When an IT person sends you an email with high importance, delete it at once. We’re just testing.

6. When an IT person is eating lunch at their desk, walk right in and spill your guts out to him. We exist only to serve you.

7. Send urgent emails all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.

8. When the copy or fax machines stop working, call computer support. There’s electronics in them.

9. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here.

10. When you have a dozen old computer monitors to get rid of, call computer support. We’re all collectors.

11. When something is wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT person’s chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a good puzzle.

12. When an IT person tells you that computer monitors don’t have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument, too.

13. When an IT person tells you that they will be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice, “And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?” That motivates us J

14. When the printer won’t print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.

15. When the printer still won’t print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.

16. Don’t ever learn the proper technical term for anything. We know exactly what you mean by, “My thingy blew up.”

17. Don’t ever use online help. Online help is for wimps.

18. If the mouse cable keeps knocking down the framed picture of your dog, lift the computer and stuff the cable under it. Mouse cables were designed to have 20kg of computer sitting on top of them.

19. If the space bar on your keyboard stops working, blame it on the email upgrade. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of muffin crumbs and finger nail clippings in them.

20. When you get a message saying, “Are you sure?” click on the Yes button immediately. Hell, if you weren’t sure, you wouldn’t be doing it, would you?

21. When you find an IT person on the phone with their bank, sit uninvited on the corner of his desk and stare at him until he hangs up. We don’t have any money to speak of anyway.

22. Feel perfectly free to say things like, “I don’t know anything about this computer crap.” We don’t mind at all hearing that our area of professional expertise referred to as crap.

23. When you need to change the toner cartridge in a printer, call IT support. Changing a toner cartridge is an extremely complex process, and Hewlett-Packard recommends that it be performed only by a professional engineer with a master’s degree in nuclear physics.

24. When something’s wrong with your computer, ask your secretary to call the help desk for you. We enjoy the challenge of working through a third party who doesn’t know anything about the problem.

25. When you receive a 30 MB (huge) movie file, send it to everyone as an email attachment. We’ve got lots of disk space on that mail server.

26. Don’t even think about breaking down large print jobs into smaller chunks. Someone else might get a chance to sneak in a short memo into the queue.

27. When you lose your car keys, send an email to the entire company. People out in San Diego like to keep abreast of what’s going on in Florida.

28. When you bump into an IT person in the grocery store on Saturday, ask a computer question. We do weekends, too.

29. Don’t bother to tell us when you move your computer around on your own. Computer names are just a cosmetic feature.

30. When you bring your own personal home PC for repair at the office, leave the documentation at home. We’ll find all the settings and drivers somewhere.

31. Keep it crashing!

32. Remember to keep the phone ‘out of hearing range’ when asked not to type on the keyboard and you were just trying a solution that you heard of.

33. Never reboot your computer before calling IT support. Rebooting has never fixed any computer errors.

34. When an IT person is quickly walking by your cube/office with a cart full of computers, a stack of CD’s and a tool kit, make sure to stop him and ask a bunch of computer questions. We just walk around with broken computer equipment to look busy.

35. Be sure to ask your office IT department about all your home computer troubles. We get paid to help you at home, too.

36. Blame all computer errors and troubles on your local IT department. We write all the code and build all the equipment ourselves, so it’s our fault anyway.

37. When an IT person stops by to work on your computer and asks you if you have installed any software recently, make sure to answer no; even though, you have installed 15 shareware applications off the Internet in the past week. Shareware programs never cause any harm, so it must be a hardware problem.

38. IT personnel are all-knowing about computers. We are the people that tell Microsoft and Intel what to do.

39. If you want to take a program home to install on your personal computer, just ask an IT person to give it to you. The company gets it all for free and no one ever gets fined for illegally distributing software.

40. IT is the most serious and professional department in your company. They are never sarcastic.


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Athlon 650, Biostar board, 128 MB PC133 (Crucial), G400 32 MB DH, SB Live! w/ Digital I/O, 10/100 NIC, lots of case fans, etc...

[FaRaN]

Cmag, run away as hard as you can, tell me your adress, and come back in a day or two!

[Frankfurt]

Jammrock, i have never read that one, i thought a lot of it was great, especially when i was doing tech support at a company...scary thing is, most of the opposite (obviously) of that stuff has happened!

Frankfurt

[Jorden]

And how do you call computer support when your phone is dead as well? Pigeons?

"9. When you’re getting a NO DIAL TONE message at home, call computer support. We can fix your telephone line from here."

Jord.

[This message has been edited by Jorden (edited 06 June 2000).]

[FaRaN]

How about a cellular phone, phonebooth or neighbours? Gjeez, You're not very resourceful aren't ya, jorden?

[Jorden]

Hmmmm, cellular would be an option... I'd rather not meet the neighbors too much, and you know the status of the phone-boots in Holland, FaRaN

Btw, what do you do when you don't have the cellular, and are asked "Are you sitting in front of your PC?"

Jord.

[HedsSpaz]

How about a cellular phone, phonebooth or neighbours?

Myself, I prefer to send smoke signals by setting my house on fire. Or, if it's really important I sacrifice goats and frogs to summon deamons and have them carry the message to recipient by possesing them and writing the message on the wall with their own blood... oh wait, you weren't supposed to know about that!

I like the pigeon idea though Jord, much simpler, and deamons have a nasty habit of retaliating.

Ian

[Duty]

Just testing stuff...


<hr>


Thanks

[Duty]

Thought this might fit here...

THINGS YOU CAN'T SAY WITH A HALLMARK GREETING CARD
"Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder:
What the f*** was I thinking?"
"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife."
"How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?"
"I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met
you, I've changed my mind."
"I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell till I
met you."
"As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it
for me."
"If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister."
"As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need
for therapy..."
"Thanks for being a part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before this!"
"Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take this
knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again."
"Someday I hope to get married, but not to you."
"Happy Birthday! You look great for your age...Almost Lifelike!
"When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broken
up, I think it's time you kept your promise."
"I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's
his leash, water bowl and chew toys."
"We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits."
"I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here."
"Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father
was?"
"Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday-so we're
having you put to sleep."
"Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!" (available only in Arkansas)

Jeff

[FaRaN]

About the phonebooths... and you will have to have a bloody 'chipknip' (english translation please) which nobody uses and forget their pincodes for upgrading the bloody chip, and therefore not being to able to use a phonebooth 'cause there are none around anymore with the use of coins!

/end rant

------------------
In case it's a harware problem:
PIII-500, 256 MB, G400 MAX DH on, ABIT BH6, MX300
Win2K drivers: 5.03