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Some laughs
<u>Things You Never Say to a Cop When Pulled Over</u>
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No Donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops"?
You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
I pay your salary!
So, duhhhh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with the other traffic.
Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained observer!
<hr>
<u>New Warning Labels For Alcoholic Beverages</u>
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the fda's suggestion that the following warning labels be place immediately on all beer containers.
consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an ****ole.
consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in
consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with the opposite sex without spitting.
consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead (or chin).
consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really big guy named Jim.
consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
consumption of alcohol and video cameras may not be the smartest combination.
<hr>
<u>Daddy's Rules For Dating</u>
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, becasue you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, infact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. INstead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness. PLaces where there is danceing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient tamperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops,midriff T-shirts, or anything othere than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chan saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
<hr size=2>
Jord
[This message has been edited by Jorden (edited 13 June 2000).]
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!!
Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop! No Donut!
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on "Cops"?
You look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
I pay your salary!
So, duhhhh, you on the take, or what?
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with the other traffic.
Yes, I know there is no other car around, that's how far ahead of me they are.
What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained observer!
<hr>
<u>New Warning Labels For Alcoholic Beverages</u>
Due to increasing products liability litigation, beer manufacturers have accepted the fda's suggestion that the following warning labels be place immediately on all beer containers.
consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an ****ole.
consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in
consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with the opposite sex without spitting.
consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.
consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead (or chin).
consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer, and smarter than some really big guy named Jim.
consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.
consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.
consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
consumption of alcohol and video cameras may not be the smartest combination.
<hr>
<u>Daddy's Rules For Dating</u>
Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, becasue you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes to big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your
clothes do not, infact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.
Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk aobut sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: early."
Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.
Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. INstead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there is darkness. PLaces where there is danceing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient tamperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops,midriff T-shirts, or anything othere than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chan saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.
Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule Ten: Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
<hr size=2>
Jord [This message has been edited by Jorden (edited 13 June 2000).]
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