[b]JOKES! GIMME JOKES![/b]

[Muad'Dib]

Ok, so there's this guy walking through the woods looking for a way out when he comes across a neked man fu*king a sheep. There are many sheep in the area and they seem to be sorted by which ones have been fu*ked and which haven't.... The guy of course is quite appalled and starts running down the path. After a couple minutes of running, the guy comes across a shack. The guy knocks on the door and a kid answers. "Can I help you sir?" The guy responds, "Dude, there's a neked man fu*king your sheep!!!" The kid says, "Oh that, don't worry bout that, that's just my daaaaaaaaaaaad ('a' has the sound of sheep "bah'ing"....."

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So, this guy's daughter comes up to him one friday afternoon and says, "Daddy, can I use your car tonight? I have a date...." The dad says "no." His daughter says, "Ahhhwww, c'mon daddy! I really need the car, I'll do anything to get it....." The dad says "no" again. His daughter once again askes, "aww, daddy! Please, I'll do anything." So the guy says, "well, if you really want the car, you have to suck my di*k." "Daddy! That's disgusting!" his daughter snaps. He says, "well, if you want the car, that's what you gotta do." So, the daughter starts going down on him. After a little bit, she says, "daddy, your di*k tastes like shit!" "Oh damn honey, I forgot, you're brother has the car tonight...."

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So, this guy goes into a bar one day and orders a glass of milk.... So all of a sudden a large balding man in the corner of the room yells out "72!" The rest of the bar roars histarically. A few minutes later, another man yells out "54!" The very confused man turns to his neighbor sitting next to him at the bar and exclaims, "what the fu*k is going on!?!" The man responds, "well, we've all been here for so long, we've numbered our jokes...." So, after another glass of milk to relax him, the guy stands up and prepares himself. "69!" he shouts a bit too loudly. No one laughs.... He quickly turned to the guy next to him and asked, "why isn't anyone laughing!?!" The man turns to the saleman and says, "you told it wrong...."

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Ok, I can't think of any more right now (and I realize you all probably know these anyway), but I figured I might as well post something (other than my other two threads ). lol

Dimitri

DAMN IT! WHY CAN'T I BOLD MY TITLE!?! It wouldn't let me use the "<>" so I changed to "[]" hopin it would work, but as usual, no, it doesn't... OH WELL!

[This message has been edited by Muad'Dib (edited 03 July 2000).]

[Aerobed]

A funny thing happended to me the other day...

It was a nice sunny day and I had nothing to do so went to the zoo to look at some animals and stuff. After walking around for a while I came to the monkeys and decided to watch them a bit. Suddenly one of the monkeys turned to me and said: "Hey dude, you got a smoke for me??".
Bewildered, I blurted out: "No sorry, I don't smoke." The monkey replied: "Sure you smoke, you even smoke weed. Just gimme some of that.". Now I was offended: "I certainly do not smoke and especially not weed. Drugs are bad!".
"Yeah you smoke weed!! In fact sucka, you high right now!! You as high as a kite, so give me some of that s**t!", said the monkey.
I couldn't believe this smart-ass monkey! I told him: "I do not do drugs and if I did, how could you tell?"
The monkey replied: "'cause monkeys can't talk."

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P2-350@466 w. 128MB ram and Marvel G200 on asus P2B

[Jorden]

A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell,
but his buddy's wife answers.

"Hi is Tony home?"
"No he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."

They sit down and the friend says "You know Nora, you have the
greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred bucks
if I could just see one."

Nora thinks about this for a second and figures what the hell,....
It's worth one hundred bucks.

She opens her robe and shows one. He promptly thanks her and throws
100 bucks on the table. They sit there a while longer and Chris says
"They are so beautiful. I must see the both of them. I'll give you
another 100 bucks if I could just see the both of them together."

Nora thinks about this and says what the hell, opens her robe and
gives Chris a nice long look. She feels bad for him, so she pushes
her breasts into his face for a moment and she let's him have a few
squeezes.

Chris thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then says
he can't wait any longer for Tony and he leaves.

A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says "You know your
weird friend Chris came over."

Tony thinks about this for a second and asks,
"Well,... did he drop off the 200 bucks he owes me?"

Jord

[Muad'Dib]

ROTFL!

Ok, just thought of another one. Thanks aerobed, you reminded me....

So this guy is walkin around the zoo and stops at the gorilla cage. He stands there for awhile watching the gorilla jump around and bang on her cage.

***MEANWHILE***

In another part of the zoo, the guy in charge of the gorilla bursts into the zoo managers office and says, "We have a problem...."

"What's that?"

"The gorilla is in heat..."

They both look at the gorilla through the camera in the office and see the man sitting there watching the gorilla. They get an idea....

When the zookeeper and his manager arrive at the gorilla cage, the strange man is still sitting there staring at the gorilla.

"Sir, could you please come with us?" askes the manager. The three of them walk back to his office again.

The manager begins with, "Sir, our gorilla is in heat. We noticed that you were watching her. We would like to propose to you that you f*ck her for $500. We will of course not tell anyone...."

The man says he needs a little time to think about it. The zookeeper and manager were of course very polite and told him to take a few days for though....

The next day, the strange man shows up at the managers and says, "You know, I'll do it. But could you give me a little time to get the $500 ...."

[Chris B]

Ok here are a couple more.... oldies but goodies:

A couple have been married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband insisted they did it under the covers with the lights off. One day the wife has had enough of this and in the middle of "the act" she pulls off the covers and turns on the light. She sees that her husband is just using a dildo instead of doing the work himself. She says "What the hell is going on here" and the husband replies... "I´ll explain the dildo if you explain how we got three kids!"

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A women walks into her boss´ office..
Woman - "You have to do something about Johnson"
Boss - "What´s wrong with him?"
Woman - "He says my hair smells good, that´s sexual harrasment"
Boss - "That´s just a compliment, how could that be sexual harrasment?"
Woman - "Johnson is a dwarf!"

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and my favorite blond joke:

Three blonds walk into a bar.
You´d think at least one of them would have seen it.