JOKES!!! I must have JOKES!

[Joel]

Maybe 'in very poor taste' was not the right phrase to use. Maybe I should have said are 'very inappropriate on a public forum'.

Joel

[xortam]

A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease."

So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?"

"Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient.

"Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?"

"Probably not....
But at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"

[Joel]

ONLY IN MERRY OLDE ENGLAND
---------------------------

A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When she noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling
humiliated on account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She had him arrested. When the case came before the court, the young man was as asked why he acted in such a manner. His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement which read "Coming Soon The Gold Dust Twins",
then she moved under one that read "Sloans Liniments remove Swelling". I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement which read "William Stick Did The Trick". Then I could not control myself any longer when on the fourth move she sat under an advertisement which read "Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident." He won the case.

Joel

[Muad'Dib]

<font size=+2>WARNING!!! Foul language in this clip! And MAY be insulting to hicks too!</font>


www.geocities.com/matiamou80/911CALL.wav

Sorry Joel, didn't realize that.... I hope it is ok to just link to it?

Dimitri

Hmmm, I don't know why it's not working. maybe this will fix it? BTW, I know it said no javascript in the survival guide, but to be quite honest, I didn't know what that meant....

I don't know if that will fix it, but if you just copy the link into the addy box it seems to work for me.... Hmmm, now it's not working. I'm sorry guys. I don't know what's going on. Care to help me with this one?

<font size=+2>Just to reitterate (sp!?!), FOUL language is in this clip. Don't listen if you will be offended!</font>

[This message has been edited by Muad'Dib (edited 24 September 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Joel (edited 25 September 2000).]

[Joel]

**Edit** Muad'Dib and myself worked a little on the above link this weekend but don't seem to able to get it to work for everyone. When I click on it it automatically opens up Window Media Player and can be heard. Yet when Muad'Dib clicks on it he still gets sent to an error page about the link not being found. If anyone has any ideas please let us know. **Edit**

Muad'Dib,

I hate to do this but it specifically states in the 'Forum Survival Guide'

On the technical side... no javascript, please...

Please remove an add back as a url hot link or I will have no choice but to delete the post.

Joel

[This message has been edited by Joel (edited 22 September 2000).]

[This message has been edited by Joel (edited 25 September 2000).]

[Joel]

Thank you, and to reclarify a possible misunderstanding, the problem I had with it was that it was starting automatically when someone enter this page. If you could fix it so that a person would have to click on it to hear it then that would be OK.

Thanks again
Joel

[This message has been edited by Joel (edited 25 September 2000).]

[Brian R.]

A collection of names of victims, suspects, witnesses, etc. from someone at the Oakland Police Department

Benjamin Adorable
Claudia Credit
Friday Jumbo
Mulu Akulu
Lavender Dangerfield
La Kennedy Hardware
Ms. Arobela Aborilla
Daisy Dick
Ruby Knuckles
Sarvine Ashkan
Gertie Dimple Johnson
Lucille Lefthand
Sam Azamm
Donna Ding
Famous Limbrick, Jr.
Sandy Bacon
Phu Dip
Queen E. Lord
Tangerine Bancroft
Wanda Dollarhide
Iona Mad-Plume
Sucha Banger
Damon Dong
Myna Magoon
Teddy Bare
Cruel Farrell
Tangerine Manson
Miracle Barlow
Wonderly Feathers
Eulyssis McMutt
Beverly Bashful
Babe Tiger Flowers
Fannie Mower
Pearl Battalion
Fong Fong
Monderill Mudd
Beth Bean
Undeener Foots
Leroy Murders
Elzester Beaner
Saundra Fractious
Penny Nails
Peter Beaver
Yukking Fu
Bob Nasty
Blossom Belcher
Fanny Fudge
Babajide Obeboju
Clamidy Bell
Fungula Fumu
Festus Ogunbanjo
Conception Belt
Frankie Futch
Tall Peacock
U.S. Bismallah
Harvest Garfinkel
Nympha Pedone
Marvelous Blakeley
Alvacious George
Mae Poe
Barney Bloat
Geious Gilmore
Daisy Polite
Ruby Box
Arzola Goodbeer
Ida Popper
Wondrous Bozeman
Paula Greatbatch
Clinton Queener
Autumn Brook
Hardy Growcock
Sacratine Redwood
Fralvin Broomhead
July Jean Guidry
Shelly Sack
Katherine Brown-Keister
Cupcaake Harris
Florida Sacramento
Canary Buggs
Taffy Hash
Essie Screws
Donald, Ronald, and John
Harry Heard
Beepske Selhorst
Dionisio Bumacod
Celestino Hockenhull
Ivory Shack
Lay Bun
Wonder Hohnson
Leroy Slappy
Bragerdine Busby
Mary Hole
Elfreda Stringfellow
Autumn Bush
T.V. House, Jr.
Sammy Stufflebeam
Square Bush
Hoa Hua
Thelma Swelling
Bertha Butts
Minor Huff
Daisy Tailfeathers
Betty Butts
Early West Hughes
Erma Tingle
Queen Byrd
Herbert Hurts
Phuc A. Tong
Sue Chew
Ellis Island
Patricia Turkletop
Charity Chun
Precious Island
Clamidy Walk
Burial Clay
Poetrie Jackson
Veryfrank Walker
Willow Cliffswallow
Quo Vadis Jackson
Ronald Waxlax
Claudia Clinkscale
Proverb Jacobs III
Antjuan Webb
Pink Cloud
June January
Wendy Wiener
Esme Corpusangel
Jehosaphat Johnson
Finllley Wimbley
Laquetta Crankfield
Depressa Jones
Ubet Witherspoon

[Joel]

THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
by DAVE BARRY

1. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".

3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.

5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.

6. You should not confuse your career with your life.

7. No matter what happens ... somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

8. When trouble arises & things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution & is willing to take command. Very often, that person is crazy.

9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

10. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

11. Never lick a steak knife.

12. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.

13. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.

14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Joel

[Brian R.]

Here's one you forgot:

Never take over Moderation of a Forum

[ALBPM]

Say CHEEZE!!!!

[Joel]

A sign that your child may have a problem.


<IMG SRC="http://members.home.com/gilchrist.joel/ATT00008.jpg" ALT="Your description" BORDER="0"></A>

Joel

[Brian R.]

At our old building, we had a non-PBX line into the computer room. It was hooked to a Radio Shack environmental monitor, which would detect high temp, noise, etc. and call a list of phone numbers until someone responded. That part worked fine.

But we started getting wrong numbers -- we'd be in the room and hear the phone ring, and the robot would pick up and start talking, but nobody who worked there would own up to it. This happened several times per day -- too many even for telemarketing -- and we couldn't figure it out for the longest time.

Then one day I was driving home and heard an ad on the radio for a suicide hotline, in nearby Maryland -- at number (301) 605-0525. Our robot's line was (703) 605-0525!

So some poor depressed person would get it together enough to call the number, but without the 301, and would get a robot saying "This is telephone number 6 8 5 0 5 2 5, the time is xx:yy, temperature is OK, noise level is OK, alert 1 is OK, alert 2 is OK, listen to the surrounding area for 15 seconds", after which it would switch on a microphone so they could either uninterrupted hear machine room noise or machine room noise with people saying "Hey, the robot's talking" "Yeah, it does that" "Wow, weird" and the like.

I shudder to think of whether there were any lasting ill effects of this problem. The good news is that shortly after discovering it, we moved to a new building with a new number.

Unknown Author


[This message has been edited by Brian R. (edited 26 September 2000).]

[Joel]

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. Looking up he notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.  He thinks "I can outrun this guy," so he floors it and the race is on.  The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures "what the heck," and gives up.  He pulls over to the curb.
 
The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.  He leans down and says "listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home.  Give me a
good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thinks for a moment and says..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back!

Joel

[Brian R.]

Doctor's Visit

A man goes to the doctor. "Doc," he says pointing to different parts of his body, "when I touch my arm it hurts. When I touch my neck it hurts. And when I touch my stomach it hurts. Do I have some rare disease?"

"No," the doctor replied, "you have a broken finger."

[ALBPM]