JOKES!!! I must have JOKES!

[Muad'Dib]

I'm forgetting all of mine! WAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

I'm stuck with things like this!!!

A new monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He notices, however,
that they are copying from copies, not the original manuscripts. So, the new monk goes to the head monk to ask him about this. He points out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." So, he goes down into
the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours go by and nobody sees him. So, one of the monks goes downstairs to look for him. He hears sobbing coming from the back of
the cellar, and finds the old monk leaning over one of the original books crying. He asks the old monk what's wrong, and in a choked voice came the reply..."The word is celebrate."


_____________________________________________

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball."

He replied, "Highway patrolmen don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

She was laughing too hard to start her car for several minutes.


Help me through this tough time please with jokes....

Dimitri

[xortam]

Here's your weekly safety brief. Be careful what you wear (or don't wear), when working under your vehicle, especially in public. From the Sydney Morning Herald Australia comes this story of a central west couple who drove their car to K-Mart only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment she dutifully stepped forward and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his head.

[dZeus]

this is a joke you can pull of in real life when talking to others:

you have to do this joke with people who aks a kind of double affirmation when they hear something that is almost beyond belief; I'll give you an example here:

You: "Did you hear the news about the Eiffel Tower?"

Victim: "No? what about it?"

You: "Man! Haven't you seen the video-footage? It has collapes while hundreds of people were still on it! There are many casualtied probably! It's Horrible!!!"

Victim: "Man, for real????"

You: (as seriously as possible) : "No"

[Sisyfos]

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[Brian R.]

Childrens Popular Book Titles , from Kevin
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. You Are Different, and That's Bad
2. The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
3. Dad's New Wife Robert
4. Fun Four-Letter Words to Know and Share
5. Hammers, Screwdrivers and Scissors: An I-Can-Do-It Book
6. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
7. Karen Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her
8. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
9. All Cats Go to Hell
10. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
11. Some Kittens Can Fly
12. That's It, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
13. Grandpa Gets a Casket
14. The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
15. Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia
16. The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy
17. Strangers Have the Best Candy
18. Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way
19. You Were an Accident
20. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
21. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
22. The Man in the Moon is Actually Satan
23. Your Nightmares are Real
24. Where Would You Like to Be Buried
25. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
26. Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
27. Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
28. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
29. The Demons That Live Under Your Bed
30. Eyeballs and B-B guns: How to get your own seeing-eye dog

[Kaj]

21. Pop! Goes the Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games

ROTFLMAO

[Brian R.]

And Moses looked upon the LORD and said:

"We are your chosen people and you want us to
cut the tips off our what??????"

[Brian R.]

Or how about a Bush joke:

GEORGE W. BUSH had the audience eating out of the palm of his hand until suddenly, in the middle of a riff about free trade, he appeared to launch an unprovoked attack on a species of small dog. The world will be a better place, the front-runner for the Republican presidential nomination said, when "all the terriers are torn down".

Gasps were heard. Could it be that beneath Mr Bush's affable exterior lurked a hidden hatred for dogs, a certain disqualification for America's highest office? Indeed not. Mr Bush is a friend to all canines, but language is not a friend to him. In the flow of his own oratory, the candidate had somehow crushed "tariffs" and "barriers" into a single word, in the sort of linguistic snafu that has become an almost daily feature of the Bush campaign.

For not only has Mr Bush taken on his father's presidential ambitions, he has also inherited his uncanny knack for mangling words and syntax into the oddest shapes. When George Bush the elder was on the campaign trail, he declined "to kind of suddenly try and get my hair coloured, and dance up and down in a mini-skirt or something, you know, show that I've got a lot of jazz out there and drop a bunch of one-liners, I'm running for the President of the United States, I kind of think I'm a scintillating fellow."

The son is prone to the same sort of verbal chaos, and as he swung through Iowa last week in the run-up to today's caucus vote, the first step in the nomination process, Mr Bush's minders were on hand to provide simultaneous translation.

"When I was coming up, with was a dangerous world, we knew exactly who the they were. It was us versus them, and it was clear who the them was were," Mr Bush told a bemused audience in a gymnasium at Iowa Western Community College. Undeterred, he ploughed on: "Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there."

Earlier in the week, he sent reporters into a flutter of confusion by telling 2,000 supporters at an oyster roast: "It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses." Even Mr Bush's spokesman was
uncertain quite what a mential loss might be. Mr Bush tends to be coasting along comfortably on mental autopilot when he runs into a brief but jolting pocket of grammatical turbulence, finding it hard to broker agreement between subject and verb. "Rarely is the question asked are: Is our children learning?" he informed supporters at a community barbecue.

Mr Bush is also prey to what might be called the jammed compact-disc stutter, when he gets impaled on a single word. "We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbour just like you like to be liked yourself." Then there is the grand word glitch, triggered by his occasional forays into the deeper bits of the dictionary.

Three times in two days, Mr Bush said that, if elected, he would never "obsfucate". It is a measure of the Bush charm that when the candidate finds himself up a blind verbal alley being assaulted by his own syntax, he is as amused anyone else. "Bumble through OK?" he grins.

After more than seven years of syntactical precision by Bill Clinton, it is refreshing to have the Bush-isms back, and a candidate who does not obsfucate but say things how they are is.

[Brian R.]

By the way, if you want more funny stuff than you can read in a lifetime go to "Fun People Archive"
http://www.langston.com/psl-bin/Fun_People.cgi

[Marmion]

Well,

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." And what does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute, then said, "Astronomically , it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."



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Marmion
-Loop it, baby!

[xortam]

Two doctors opened offices in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr Smith and Dr Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology".
The town fathers were not too happy with the sign, so they changed it to "Hysterias and Posteriors"
This was not acceptable either, so they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids"
No go, so they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics"
Thumbs down again, so they tried "Manic-depressives and Anal-retentives"
Still not good, so they tried "Minds and Behinds"
Unacceptable again, so they tried "Lost Souls and Ass-holes"
Still no go. Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts"
"Queers and Rears",
"Nuts and Butts"
"Freaks and Cheeks"
or "Loons and Moons"
work either, so they finally settled on
"Dr Smith & Dr Jones, Odds & Ends"

[Muad'Dib]

Rotfl! Ash. It's old yes, but I had completely forgotten it.

Let's give this one a go (assuming I'm still allowed to post here?).


Six Presidents on a sinking boat
> Ford says: "What do we do?????"
> Bush says: "Man the lifeboats!"
> Reagan says: "What lifeboats????"
> Carter says: "Women first!"
> Nixon says: "Screw the women!"
> Clinton says: "You think we have time?"

Dimitri

[Chris B]

yeah ok.... might as well get in on this.

Stop me if you´ve heard this one

Three guys are standing on top of the impire state building:
guy 1: You know... the up-wind here are so strong, that if you jump of the roof, it´l blow you right back up!

guy 2: Yeah right, i´ll believe it when I see it

So the first guy jumps of the roof, and the next second he comes flying back up, makes a backflip and makes a perfect landing.

So the second guy thinks... "Cool", jumps of the roof, falls to the ground, and dies on impact.

The third guy turns to the first guy and says: "you know...., that really wasn´t nice Superman"



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Are you tired of apples, pears and peaches ?
Then try banana.... banana has an easy to clean yellow surface, and comes fully assembled. And when you´re not using it, just fold it up and slide it under the bed!

[Muad'Dib]

Nice one Chris. Haven't heard it before.... hehe

Dimitri