JOKES!!! I must have JOKES!

[Strahd]

WOMAN: If I died, would you get married again?

MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not-don't you like being married? Then why wouldn't you remarry?

MAN: Okay, I'd get married again..

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on herface) Would you sleep with her in our bed?

MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and
replace them with pictures of her?

MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do..

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?

MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed..

WOMAN: - - - silence - - -

MAN: Shit..

------------------

[Muad'Dib]

LOL!

..A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a
> date nor any sex in quite some time. Feeling something was wrong
> with her, she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
> Her MD recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, a well known Chinese
> sex therapist. So she went to see him.
> Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "Okay, take off
> all your crose. Now get down and crawl reery fass to the other side
> of the woom." So she did. Dr.Chang said, "Okay now crawl reery fass
> to me." So she did that too. Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said,
> "Your probrem vewy, vewy bad. You haf Zachary Disease. Worse case
> I ever see, that why you not haf sex or dates." Confused, the woman asked,
> "What is Zachary Disease?" Dr. Chang replied, "It when your face rook
> Zachary rike your ass."


Dimitri

[Pneumatic]

How about a riddle?


3 MEN GO INTO A MOTEL. THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK SAID THE ROOM IS $30, SO EACH MAN PAID $10 AND WENT TO THE ROOM. A WHILE LATER THE MAN BEHIND THE DESK REALIZED THE ROOM WAS ONLY $25, SO HE SENT THE BELLBOY TO THE 3
GUYS' ROOM WITH $5. ON THE WAY THE BELLBOY COULDN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO SPLIT $5 EVENLY BETWEEN 3 MEN, SO HE GAVE EACH MAN A $1 AND KEPT THE OTHER $2 FOR HIMSELF. THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.
SO WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR?

I don't know the answer so don't ask me.

[Marmion]

A girl was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl's grandma came by and saw her granddaughter. Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear? "Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, the girl told her grandmother that the policemen were there passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some. "Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," and she proceeded to the back of the line. A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?" Grandma replied, "Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out and suck them dry."

[Strahd]

Do the math. If they each pay $9 that adds to $27 and leaves three. He gives one back to each it works perfect.

------------------


[This message has been edited by Strahd (edited 18 August 2000).]

[fds]

But then if you were to add the $2 it should have been able to add up to $30, if you can subtract, shouldnt adding give you the same answer? 1+1=2, 2-1=1. but this is saying 1+1=2, 2-1=0. Quality intelligence there....

Quality intelligence where? lol
If you subtract part of the $5 and add the other part that just won't make any sense.

5=3+2

Now 5-3 (the first part) =2.
Then you can proceed to subtract the other part (2) 2-2=0, obviously.

5-3+2 would equal 4. The only question is why would you subtract the first part but add the other. Doesn't make any sense.

[This message has been edited by fds (edited 18 August 2000).]

[dutchmoose]

A policeman pulls a driver over for swerving on the highway and asks him to
take a Breathalyzer test.
"I can't do that because I'm an asthmatic," says the man. "The Breathalyzer
could bring on an attack."
So the cop suggests a urine sample. "Can't do it," says the man. "I'm a
diabetic, so my urine has all kinds of funky stuff in it."
"Well," says the angry cop, "why don't you just get out of the car and walk
this white line?"
"Sorry," says the man, "but I can't do that either." "Why not?" asks the
officer.
The man belches and then says, "Because I'm drunk."



------------------
Movin to Montana soon,
Gonna be a dental floss tycoon

[Strahd]

It's easy. Don't think about it to much. It states that the paid 9 dollars each. That's 27 dollars plus the three dollars he dished out . That's 30 dollars.
This part THIS MEANT THAT THE 3 MEN EACH PAID $9 FOR THE ROOM, WHICH IS A TOTAL OF $27, ADD THE $2 THAT THE BELLBOY KEPT = $29.
SO WHERE IS THE OTHER DOLLAR? is completely irrelevant.
If the room was 25 dollars each would have to pay 8 dollars and 33 cents.
It's been rounded up to 9 dollars. So if they each paid 9 dollars, there's only 3 dollars left, not 5 dollars. If he gives each guy a dollar back, you left with 0. There is no remainig dollar. Of course it works backwards, you're not doing it right. You're using different numbers.

------------------

[Marmion]

A policeman came home just in time to find his wife in bed with another man. So, the officer dragged the man down the stairs to the garage and put his Wet Willy in a vice. He secured it tightly and removed the handle. Then he picked up a hacksaw. The man, terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to.. To.. cut it off, are you???!?" The officer said, with a gleam of revenge in his eye, "Nope. You are. "I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[fds]

From the three emails I got from TwistedHumor today:

"The Gay Bar Joke" - Rated R

A guy walked into a bar. Once inside, he realized it was a gay
bar. "What the heck," he thought, "I really want a drink."

So he sat down at the bar, and the bartender said to him, "What's the
name of your penis?"

The guy said, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a
drink."

The bartender said, "I'm sorry, but I can't serve you until you tell
me the name of your penis."

So the guy looked at the man sitting to his left who was sipping on a
beer and asked, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?"

The man smiled and said, "Timex."

The guy asked, "Why Timex?"

The fella proudly replied, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on
tickin'!"

A little shaken, the guy turned to the man on his right, who was
sipping a margarita. "So, what do you call your penis?"

The man to his right turned to him and proudly exclaimed, "Ford,
because quality is Job 1." He then added, "Have you driven a Ford
lately?"

Even more shaken, the guy had to think for a moment before he came up
with a name for his penis. He turned to the bartender and
exclaimed, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer."

The bartender began to pour the guy a beer, but with a puzzled look
asked, "Why Secret?"

The guy said, "Because it's strong enough for a man but made for a
woman!"

QUICKIES - Rated G

What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

"Irish Family Custom" - Rated PG

An Irishman walked into a bar in Dublin. He ordered three pints of
Guinness, sat in the back of the room, and drank a sip out of each
one in turn. When he finished them, he came back to the bar and
ordered three more.

The bartender asked him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.
It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The Irishman replied, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
when we drank together."

The bartender admitted that this was a nice custom, and left it
there.

The Irishman became a regular in the bar, and always drank the same
way. One day, he came in and ordered two pints. All the other
regulars noticed and fell silent.

When he came back to the bar for the second round, the bartender
said, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I want to offer my
condolences on your great loss."

The Irishman looked confused for a moment, then a light dawned in his
eye and he laughed. "Oh, no, everyone's fine. I've just quit
drinking."

QUICKIES - Rated G

What is the difference between a man and E.T.?
E.T. phoned home.

"A Koala in the Big Apple" - Rated R

A koala bear from Australia decided to take a vacation to New York
City to enjoy a different culture. After arriving in New York and
getting settled in at his hotel, the koala bear decided to take a
walk.

After touring this adventurous city for a few hours he noticed
several women on the side of the street strutting their stuff. The
koala bear approached one of them and asked, "What are you doing?"

The woman replied "I'm a prostitute. Are you looking for a good
time?"

The koala bear immediately replied yes.

"Do you wanna have sex?" the prostitute asked.

"Well, sure. I mean, I did come here to live up the true New York
experience," said the bear with a grin on his face.

The prostitute grabbed the bear's hand and directed him to her
apartment where they had sex. Soon after, the koala bear got out of
bed and proceeded to the door. The prostitute yelled, "Where are you
going?"

The bear told her that he was done and it was time for him to go.

"I'm a prostitute. You have to pay me!"

The bear said with a disgusted tone, "Since when do I have to pay for
sex?"

The prostitute replied, "Everyone I have sex with has to pay. It's in
the dictionary, look it up."

The koala bear agreed to pull out a dictionary from one of her
shelves to look up the word "prostitute." It said, "A woman who has
sex in exchange for money." The prostitute immediately started to
chuckle and asked for her money.

The koala bear then remarked, "Okay, to make it even, why don't you
look up the word koala bear?"

The prostitute grabbed the dictionary and looked up "koala bear." The
bear said, "Go ahead, read it aloud!"

The prostitute read the definition out loud. "An Australian animal
that eats bush and leaves."

[fds]

In the end they paid $27, subtract the $2 the guy kept which is $25. And that's exactly what it should be. The original $30 minus the $5.

[xortam]

eats bush and leaves

Good one!
How about some venerable blonde jokes, and if were going to get a bit racy ...

A blonde goes into a world wide message center to send a message to her
mother in Poland.

When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims "I don't have any
money.. but I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in
Poland!" To that the man asks "Anything?" And the blonde says Yes..
Anything!"

With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and
tells her "Come in and close the door." She does. He then says "Get on
your knees." She does. He then says take down my zipper."

She does. He then says "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes
it out and takes hold of it with both hands. The man then says "Well..
Go ahead!"
She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her
lips she says... "Hello, MOM?"

[Brian R.]

ftp://209.10.194.82/frens2.mpg

(Not for the serious at heart)

[Snake-Eyes]

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and
Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be
British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful.
Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an
apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are
Russian."


------------------
Ace

[Marmion]

What NOT to say to the Police:
-I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
-Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
-Aren't you the guy from the village people?
-Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
-I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
-I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
-You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
-Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
-Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS?
-Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's night stand.
-Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds.
-I pay your salary.
-So uh, you on the take or what?
-Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
-Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
-I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
-What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
-Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
-Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
-Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
-Do you have any idea how much of a hurry I'm in?
-You're lucky this car needs a tune-up or you'd have never caught me.
-Yes, I know the light was red, but nothing was coming.
-In California we drive like that all the time, what's the problem?
-If you'd try the stuff I just had, you wouldn't be so damn uptight.
-Aren't there real crooks somewhere you should be catching?
-Well, those two other guys didn't stop for that school bus either!
-Yes, I saw your lights on, but I thought you going to get a doughnut!
-Just had to try out that new siren, didn't you?
-I saw the ambulance, but I was going faster than him anyway.
-Do you have any idea who you're talking to?



[This message has been edited by Marmion (edited 20 August 2000).]