JOKES!!! I must have JOKES!

[ALBPM]

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only".

Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside"

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here have it short and thin"...the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here have it long and thin". Still, this wasn't good enough so the friends move up to the Third floor, where the sign read "All the men here have it short and thick". This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.

In the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have it long and thick" The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is one floor left. Wondering what they were missing, they go to
the Fifth floor, where the sign read"

"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no ****ing way to please a woman."

Paul

[nehalmistry]

A TRUE CLASSIC

there's and englishman, an irishman, and a scottsman... they were stranded on a desert island.... but one of them finds a magic lamp.. they rub it and out comes a genie... "YOU GET 3 WISHES, BUT SINCE THERE A THREE OF YOU, YOU EACH GET 1 WISH"

the englishman said "i want to go back to england to see big ben" so poof! he dissapears... and goes to england

the scottsman said "i want to go back to scotland and see loch ness" so poof! he dissapears.... and goes to scotland

the irishman said "well now im kinda lonely, i want them both back here again"

LOL



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P5A-B AMD K6-266@300
Matrox Milleniumm G200 AGP (oh, lets party)
Creative SB Awe32 (a classic, superb card)
Realtek 8029A NIC Card
64meg Ram
Ali V agp chipset
ICQ UIN: 24730025

[Alec]

Two guys were walking together down the street and one of them says:
-Look over there! A woman with a moustache!!!
-She´s my sister.
-Ooh, she looks great with it!


Sounds much better in portuguese, though...

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"I wish I was a witch...
...to shove my broomstick right up your *ss."

[Snake-Eyes]

A Japanese tourist hailed a taxi in downtown Chicago and
asked to be taken out to O'Hare Airport. On the way, a car
zoomed by and the tourist responded, "Ohhh!!! TOYOTA!!!
Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

Not too long after, another car flew by the taxi. "Ohh!!!
NISSAN!!! Made in Japan!!! Very fast!!!"


Yet another zipped by, "Ohh!!! Mitsubishi!!! Made in Japan!!!
Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver, complete 100% American, was starting to
get a little miffed that the Japanese made cars were passing
his Chevy, when yet another car passed the taxi right as they
were turning into the airport. "Ohh!!! Honda!!! Made in
Japan!!! Very fast!!!"

The taxi driver stopped the car, pointed to the meter, and
said, "that'll be $150."

"$150? It was so short a ride! Why so much?"

"Taxi Meter. Made in Japan. Very fast."

--------------

Hello darling," breathed the obscene phone caller. "If you
can guess what's in my hand, I'll give you a piece of the
action."

"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it
in one hand, I ain't interested."

-----------------

Three men were trying to guess the professions of their
respective dates of the previous evening, judging by their
bedroom performance and conversation.

The first insisted that his date had been a nurse, because she
said, "Lie back and relax. This won't hurt a bit."

The second concluded that his must have been a
schoolteacher, because she had said, "Do it over and over
until you get it right."

The third figured that his date must have been a stewardess,
because all she had said was, "Put this over your mouth and
nose and continue to breathe normally."

----------------

A woman answers the phone in a busy office, "Good morning,
Cleveland Parachute Club".

A startled man on the other end replied, "Excuse me, but isn't
this the Cleveland Prostitute Club"?

"Oh no sir", came the embarrassed reply, "this is the
Cleveland Parachute Club".

"Damn!" said the man. "I'm afraid I made a big mistake. Last
week your salesman called and signed me up for two jumps a
week".

-----------------

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very
busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate.
They decided to pull over and park and have some fun.

Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any
attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a
policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly
contain himself.

"Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in
public?" he asked the couple.

Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to
watch their behavior.

After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what
the policeman wrote the ticket for. He responded, "Doing 69 in
a 35.

------------------

Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and
call the guests' names as they arrive." Butler: "Very well,
madam. I've been wanting to do that for years."

------------------

A little old lady called 911. When the operator answered she
yelled, "Help, send the police to my house right away! There's a
damn Republican on my front porch and he's playing with himself."

"What?" the operator exclaimed!

"I said there is a damn Republican on my front porch playing with
himself and he's weird; I don't know him and I'm afraid! Please
send the police!" the little old lady repeated.

"Well, now, how do you know he's a Republican???"

"Because, you damn fool, if he were a Democrat, he'd be screwing
somebody!"

---------------

A tall, handsome Polish kid is helping a middle-aged
divorcee to her car with her groceries. As they get to the
parking lot, she smiles at him and says, "I've got an
itchy pussy."

He replies, "Well, you better point it out, lady. All them
Japanese cars look the same to me."

------------------
Ace

[Muad'Dib]

ROTFLMAO!!!

Now I got to try and remember some of these so I can actually tell them... hehe

Dimitri

[Rags]

This one is dedicated to Pauly:

A guy from church takes his reverend out fishing, while fishing the reverend catches a huge fish, the guy says "Get that big son-bitch here, here I will help you get that big son-bitch". They get it in the boat and the guy says that sure is a big son-bitch. The reverend says "I don't think you should be saying that. The guy a little embarassed makes up a story and says "oh, that's the type of fish it is, it's called big son-bitch". The rev'd says "Oh, I guess that's okay". The reverend takes his catch back to the church and shows the sister his catch "Sister, look at this big son-bitch I caught". The sister is of course offended and says "oh, father I don't think you should be using language like that". The father says "That's what the fish is actually called. It's a big son-bitch". The sister agrees that's okay. After cleaning the fish, the rev'd suggests to invite the bishop over since the fish is big enough for three people, and the sister agrees, and cooks the fish. While at dinner, the bishop remarks on how tasty the fish was. The father says " I caught that son-bitch" the sister says "And I cooked that son-bitch" . The bishop, a bit taken aback, says "You know, you fuc*ers are alright!".


Rags



[This message has been edited by Rags (edited 23 August 2000).]

[paulcs]

So Holly, Ash, and Snake, I'm still trying to figure out why that freakin' koala bear had to travel all the way from Australia to OUR HOME TOWN to get a little illicit nookie--which was represented as a quintessential New York experience.



Paul
paulcs@flashcom.net

[Strahd]

"I've got an itchy pussy."

He replies, "Well, you better point it out, lady. All them
Japanese cars look the same to me."


LOL. What the hell was that?????

------------------

[Brian R.]

Ash: There are 2 women walking down the street, yelling "3 to 5, 3 to 5, 3 to 5." Someone went up to them and asked why they were yelling that out loud. They said "The puzzle said 3 to 5 years but we beat it in 2." And yes, they were blonde.

Someone help me with this one...please

[Strahd]

The puzzle is recommended for 3-5 year olds.
They assumed this was the estimated time it would take to complete.
They did the puzzle in 2 years.

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[Kaj]

Guess Brian's a blonde too

[Jorden]

Sit back and relax while I delve in my jokes corner on email
<hr>
A girl was a prostitute but didn't want her grandma to know. One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes and the girl was among them.

The police had all the prostitutes line up in a straight line. Along comes the grandmother and sees her grand-daughter. Grandma asks her grand-daughter, "What are you lining up for?"

Grand-daughter, not willing to let her grandma know the truth told her grandma that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some. Grandma wanted some oranges too, so she went to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from the prostitutes. When he got to the grandma, he was bewildered and asked, "You are so old, how do you do it?"

The grandmother (thinking he's asking her about how she can eat oranges) replies, "Oh, it's easy, I just take off my dentures and suck them dry!
<hr>
<u>Subject: FEMALE COMEBACKS</u>

Man: Where have you been all my life ?
Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
<hr>
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah" she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
"Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last."
<hr>
A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know."
The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?"
The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company."
<hr>
<u>Subject: i ain't touchin' it</u>

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you." The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK." Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK." Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles,scabs,scars, and reeks something awful.
Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up. The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says,"No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?" The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."
<hr>
This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop."

So the couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex like a great desert camel."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Pakistani man replied, "Just try dem on, Sahib."

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years - raw sexual desire.

In a blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants,and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani's thighs.

The Pakistani then began screaming "NO !! NO !! SAHIB !! YOU HAVE DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!
<hr>
That ought to keep you going for a while

------------------
Jord

[Jorden]

And for the women in here, here's your newest latest gadget you want

[Muad'Dib]

He said, "like a great desert camel."

BWAHAHAHAHHAHA

Dimitri

[Strahd]

One day little Johnny was in class and the teacher decided, she was going to test their knowledge with the alphabet.

So she asked if anybody knew a word that started with the letter A.

A number of students raised their hands. She noticed Little Johnny has his arm up too, and that grin on his face indicated to her that he was enjoying this far too much. Quickly she considered the possibilities of what word he might have in his head when she realized that the word would most likely be ****ole.

So she skipped little Johnny and asked Suzy.

"Apple starts with the letter A" replied Suzy.

So the teacher asked "Does anybody know a word that starts with the letter B?"

Again, half the class raised their arms and little johnny, was once more, all too attentive.

The teacher thought about it and decided Little Johnny may be thinking of words like Bastard, Bullshit, and once again decided to choose a different student.

"Banana starts with the letter B" replied Timothy.

So this went on for every letter until the teacher came to the letter R.

Again, Many students raised their hands. Including Little Johnny.

The teacher thought about the letter R and decided there was no way that Little Johnny could ever massacre the letter R.

So she said "Yes little Johnny, what word do you know that starts with the letter R?"

Little Johnny replied, "Rats, BIG ****ING RATS"

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