JOKES!!! I must have JOKES!

[Brian R.]

(with apologies to electric amish)

The Amish and The Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

[Muad'Dib]

Nice Brian!

Hey Strahd, I've always heard that joke as "a monkey. A BIG fukin monkey...." hehe Same effect though.

Ok, so I walked into a bar the other day and ordered myself a couple shots of vodka. Being a "youngin" the bartender decided I shouldn't have any, but finally gave in under my persistence... So I'm sittin there drinking my shots when suddenly a guy in the back of the bar shouted, "89!" Everyone started busting up! They were rolling around laughing and all that you know. I of course was confused as this was my first time in this bar.... So a little while later this other guy stands up and shouts, "15!" Once again everyone starts laughing histarically. I turned to the guy next to me and was like, "WTF is goin on!?! Why you guys keep laughing at numbers???"

He responds, "Well, we've all been here for so long that we numbered all our jokes to save time."

"Oh" I said. So after a couple more shots of Vodka, I got the courage to stand up and shout out a number. "75!" No one started laughing, so I quickly turned to the guy next to me and said, "Why TF isn't anyone laughing!?!"

He turns to me and said, "You told it wrong..."

Dimitri

[xortam]

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mom asks how his day was,
He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."
"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!!!", says the mom.
A while later the father comes home and the mom says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."
Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mom is so mad. "I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.
"Alright! That's my boy!" says dad.
"Ya know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! Ya know what?
I'm so proud of you I'm going to take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"
So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town.
"You wanna ride it home son?" asks dad.
The boy replied, "Nah, my ass is still a little sore."

[Genom]

A guy goes to the barber with his daughter. After a breif wait, he gets seated and the barber gets to work. After a few minutes, the little girl gets up and walks over to her daddy and starts talking to him while eating a pastry. As the barber moves around, he notices the girl is very close and tell's her:

"Carefull honey, your going to get hair on your twinkie"

And she says:

"Yeah, and I'm going to get boobs too!"

[Marmion]

There was a man on the beach sun bathing in the nude. A young girl walks by and noticed the man. The man did not want to be inappropriate so he covers up with a newspaper. The little girl asked the man, what's under the newspaper. He stated that "It's my pet bird and he's asleep." So the little girl walks off and the man continues to have a couple more long island ice teas and falls asleep.
When the man wakes up he's in the emergency room in a lot of pain. The doctor's asked the man what happened and he said he did not know, all he remembered was a little girl asking him what was under his newspaper and I told her it was my little bird and he was asleep. So the police found the girl and interviewed her. They asked her if she knew what happened to the man on the beach and she said yes.
"While he was asleep I was playing with his birdie and it spit up on me, so I broke his neck, burned his nest, and I smashed his eggs."

[Kaj]

Ouch...
Allright, I've got one too (short one);

What to do if a blonde throws a pin at you?

...

RUN! She's got the grenade still between her teeth!

[Indiana]

And then there was this belgian girl asking a sex-consultant: "I'm thirteen years old now, and I'm still a virgin. Does that mean my father is gay ?!?"

Another (old) blonde joke:
What's a blonde with lots of straw in her hands?
Extented memory.

A mean one:
A cowboy rides through the desert as he comes to a burning farm. In front there is a small girl sitting and crying. The cowboys asks: "What happened?" "The indians came, burned the farm, murdered mum and dad, raped my bigger sister and took her with them. And now I'm all alone here in the desert." the girl answered.
The cowboy climbed down from the horse, opened his zipper and said: "Hmm, seems this is not your day...."

A bus carries only 2 passengers. At the next station 3 passengers are stepping out of the bus.
A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician try to explain this:
The biologist: "They must have reproduced themselves..."
The physicist: "taking the measuring-accuracy into account, this is not astonishing..."
The mathematician: "If one passenger enters the bus now, then there's exactly no one in there..."

[Brian R.]

Stevie Wonder vs. Jack Nicklaus

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says: "How is the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says: "Not too bad, the latest album has gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it is pretty good. By the way how's the golf."

Nicklaus replies: "Not too bad, I am not winning as much as I used to but I am still making a bit of money. I have had some problems with my swing but I think I have got that right now."

Stevie Wonder says: "I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be alright."

Jack Nicklaus says: "You play golf!"

Stevie Wonder says: "Yes, I have been playing for years."

And Nicklaus says: "But I thought you were blind, how can you play golf if you are blind?"

He replies: "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and he calls to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands. The caddy moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But how do you putt", says Nicklaus.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Nicklaus says: "What is your handicap." Stevie says "Well I play off scratch."

Nicklaus is incredulous and he says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies: "Well people don't take me seriously so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole." Nicklaus thinks about it and says "OK, I'm up for that-when would you like to play?"

"I don't care-any night next week is ok with me." Wonder replies

[Brian R.]

Disorder in the Court: a Collection of 'Transquips'

Q. What is your brother-in-law's name?
A. Borofkin.
Q. What's his first name?
A. I can't remember.
Q. He's been your brother-in-law for years, and you can't remember his first name?
A. No. I tell you I'm too excited. (Rising from the witness chair and pointing to Mr. Borofkin.) Nathan, for God's sake, tell them your first name!
> > >
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago?
A. I refuse to answer that question.
Q. Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami?
A. No.
> > >
Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A. By death.
Q. And by whose death was it terminated?
> > >
Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?
A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
> > >
Q. What is your name?
A. Ernestine McDowell.
Q. And what is your marital status?
A. Fair.
> > >
Q. Are you married?
A. No, I'm divorced.
Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A. A lot of things I didn't know about.
> > >
Q. And who is this person you are speaking of?
A. My ex-widow said it.
> > >
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney, and said he was really good.
> > >
Q. Do you know how far pregnant you are right now?
A. I will be three months November 8th.
Q. Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th?
A. Yes.
Q. What were you and your husband doing at that time?
> > >
Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable?
A. I should be.
Q. How many times have you comitted suicide?
A. Four times.
> > >
Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you peformed on dead people?
A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.
> > >
Q. Were you aquainted with the deceased?
A. Yes, sir.
Q. Before or after he died?
> > >
Q. Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?
A. Because he was argumentary and he couldn't pronunciate his words.
> > >
Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.
> > >
Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.
> > >
Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A. No.
Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears?
A. Picking them up in the air.
Q. Where was the dog at this time?
A. Attached to the ears.
> > >
Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?
MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.
> > >
Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to?
A. Oral.
Q. How old are you?
A. Oral.

---------------------
Q: What is your relationship with the plaintiff?
A: She is my daughter.
Q: Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?
---------------------
Q: Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?
--------------------
Q: ...and what did he do then?
A: He came home, and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?
-------------------
Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn't offer me nothing; he just said I could have the furniture.
-------------------
Q: So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?
A: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
Q: It was covered?
A: Yes, bandaged.
Q: Then, later on.. what did you see?
A: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.
-------------------
Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
-------------------
Q: What can you tell us about the truthfulness and veracity of this defendant?
A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch-and she did!
-------------------
Q: Do you drink when you're on duty?
A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.
-------------------
Q: ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A: The victim lived.
-------------------
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
-------------------
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
A: Yes, I have been since early childhood.
-------------------
Q: The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn't it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A: No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.
-------------------
Q: What is the meaning of sperm being present?
A: It indicates intercourse.
Q: Male sperm?
A. That is the only kind I know.
-------------------
Q: (Showing man picture.) That's you?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: And you were present when the picture was taken, right?
-------------------
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

[Muad'Dib]

There's a glass with water put half way into it.

The pessimest says: "The glass is half empty"
The optimist says: "The glass is half full"
The engineer says: "I put 1/2 my water in a redundant glass...."

Dimitri

[Strahd]

Too long of a thread to go back and see if this one was posted yet...


A man staggers into an emergency room
with a concussion, multiple bruises, two
black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly
around his throat.

Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.

"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was
having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when
at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into
a pasture of cows."

"We went to look for them and while I was
rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had
something white at its rear end."

"I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure
enough, there was the golf ball with my wife's
monogram on it... stuck right in the middle of
the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
Hey, this looks like yours!"



------------------

[ALBPM]

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are stranded:

two Italian men and one Italian woman
two French men and one French woman
two German men and one German woman
two Greek men and one Greek woman
two English men and one English woman
two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
two American men and one American woman
two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visit with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and Another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry,
and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, because the American woman keeps on complaining about her body, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything they can do, the necessity of
fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, and how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

[ALBPM]

In college, I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl, but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull, that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition.

When I turned 35, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now 45 and am looking for a girl with
very big tits.

[xortam]

Here's some more court room Q&A for you Brian. Pardon me for not weeding out some duplicates ...

--
...
These are things people supposedly actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place:

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August eighth?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Brian R.]

Xortam - Those are great!

"And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?"

"Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it."

"A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo."

"A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

ROTFLMAO