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The Algore Story

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  • The Algore Story

    THE AL GORE STORY

    Good afternoon all. I'm Al Gore, and I'd like to tell you a little about
    myself. I know a lot about hardship, because I came into this world as a
    poor black child in a tiny town in the backwoods of Tennessee. I was born in
    a log cabin that I built with my own hands. I taught myself to read by
    candlelight and helped support my 16 brothers and sisters by working
    summers as a deck hand on a Mississippi River steamboat.
    Frequently we would stop the ship and I would cut and split five cords of
    wood for fuel overnight for the steam engines. My mother taught me the
    value of education, so every day, I would walk 5 miles to a one-room
    schoolhouse.

    I was a mischievous, fun loving scamp, though I never dreamed that one
    day, my youthful escapades would serve as the inspiration for "Huckleberry
    Finn."

    Back then, we Jewish black folks in the South were
    second-class citizens. One day, a traveling minister came through town,
    and I asked him if anyone was ever going to do something to guarantee civil
    rights for all Americans. Well, I guess I made an impression. You see, the
    minister's name was Martin Luther King, Jr.

    My father was a United States Senator. He once perched me on his knee and
    said, "Son, if you work hard and listen to your mama, someday you can live
    in a hotel in Washington, D.C., and go to an exclusive prep school." As a
    young Hindu boy, these were very valuable lessons. But life of privilege
    was not for me. Being Chinese, after getting my high school diploma, I took
    a
    job in a hot, dirty textile mill. I was so appalled at the treatment of the
    workers there that I organized a union. Later, that experience inspired a
    movie - which is why, to this day, my close friends at the AFL-CIO call me
    "Norma Rae."

    When word got out what an 18 year old factory worker had done, Harvard
    University called and offered me a scholarship. I captained the hockey team
    to
    four consecutive national championships, but I also played football and was
    good enough to win the Heisman Trophy. During my college years, I lived
    in a housing project and moonlighted writing songs and playing lead guitar
    for a little rock band. You may have heard of us - The Rolling Stones. I'm
    the one with the lips.

    But there was a war going on, and I felt I had to serve my country. So I
    enlisted in the U. S. Army and went to Vietnam. I was deeply opposed to the
    war, but I did my duty as a soldier and came back home with the Medal of
    Honor and the Croix de Guerre. My battlefield expertise is current requisite
    reading material for Officers Candidates to this very day. My being a
    wounded female officer serving in disguise as a journalist was a full time
    project, but my military knowledge helped save tens of thousands of lives.
    Many cities in Southeast Asia are named after me to this very day.
    Statues of me are still commonplace in many official Government buildings in
    North Viet Nam.

    When I got back, I took a long journey across this great land of ours. I've
    crossed the deserts bare, man, I've breathed the mountain air, man, I've
    traveled, I've done my share, man, I've been everywhere. I've hunted all the
    dangerous species of big game in five continents using only a handmade
    spear or my handmade lasersighted compound bow. And the people I met at
    truckstops and campgrounds and homeless shelters on that journey all said
    the same thing: "Al, we need you in Washington." I knew they were right, but
    first
    I had to take care of some other business---building the World Trade Center,
    finding a low cost, more reliable nuclear weapon trigger design, founding
    the Audubon Society, doing the clinical research that proved smoking caused
    cancer, and coming up with the recipe for Mrs. Field's chocolate chip
    cookies. I was, in fact, the third (still silent) partner of Ben & Jerry
    with over half of the flavors personally developed by Tipper and me in our
    own kitchen. My extensive knowledge of Arctic Sea life keeps me busy in
    the research laboratory, but those endangered species need love too!

    Translating the dead sea scrolls is one of my favorite hobbies, and my
    current volume is in print in over 73 languages and is being studied in
    Seminaries worldwide. Being Indian, both Native American and the Mid East
    kind, this is valuable experience for me. Have towel and Tee Pee, will
    travel. Finally, I deferred to the demands of the people of Tennessee and
    allowed them to elect me to the House of Representatives and the Senate.
    And then one winter day nearly nine years ago, for no particular reason, I
    answered the call of the people once again and took the oath of office as
    Vice President of the United States. I also invented the Internet. Since
    then, I've been part of the most successful administration in American
    history.

    My friend, Bill Gates has asked me many times why I gave him the ideas of
    software development and asked for no money. Gosh, it just wouldn't be
    right! Many times President Bill Clinton has been pondering some grave
    decision and has asked me what to do. And when I would give him my thoughts,
    he would invariable say, "Of course. That's brilliant. Why didn't I think of
    that?"

    During the darkest days of the impeachment battles, the President told me he
    only wished he had listened when I told him to stay away from that
    dark-haired intern with the big hooters. So after I decided to run for
    president, I sat down with him and asked if he had any suggestions about how
    to conduct my campaign. And Bill Clinton gave me a few simple words of
    advice-words I'll never forget. He looked me in the eye and he said, "Al,
    just tell the truth, it's always worked well for me."

    Thanks, I'm Al Gore and I want to be your next President. You can trust and
    believe me!

  • #2
    LOL!

    ------------------
    Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

    "Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
    According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless...

    Comment


    • #3
      hehehehe...


      haha...

      HAHAHAHAHAHAHA...

      ROFL!

      That's great!

      Jammrock
      “Inside every sane person there’s a madman struggling to get out”
      –The Light Fantastic, Terry Pratchett

      Comment


      • #4
        Hmmm, quite the allegory.

        Comment


        • #5
          Hey, you edited out the bits about how his sister founded the peace corps, and how he singlehandedly reestablished buddhism whilst collecting those "not illegal" campaign contributions.

          - Gurm

          ------------------
          Listen up, you primitive screwheads! See this? This is my BOOMSTICK! Etc. etc.
          The Internet - where men are men, women are men, and teenage girls are FBI agents!

          I'm the least you could do
          If only life were as easy as you
          I'm the least you could do, oh yeah
          If only life were as easy as you
          I would still get screwed

          Comment


          • #6
            This is just the condensed version.

            Somebody forwarded this to me this morning, and I just had to share the laughter.

            Comment

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