Guru's new fun thread...

[DentyCracker]

Yuo know what the sad thing is, I remember every episode that those Homer quotes came from.
You left out "Shut up brain before I stab you with a Q-Tip" which is my personal favourite

[Jorden]

Oh God Denty, you mean you read all that crap up there?? How ill are you? Did someone nice take your temperature already?

FYI Guru. Saying **** all the times doesn't give me a shitload of good (or bad) feelings.
I cannot silence you, as you should know by now, for my name's not on top of this forum. Then again, if I would have had this forum, you could have had your way, for this is the forum that gives you that right.

And about the "name" thing... I sincerely think Mike's posted this thread. So piss off, will ya?

Jorden.

[Guru]

50 Fun Things To Do In A Mall

by Alan Meiss, ameiss@indiana.edu

Note: Any resemblance of names in this article to actual large powerful
corporations capable of destroying mere mortal humans like sparrows in a jet
turbine is, um, pure coincidence. Really.


1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Grap. Ask the salesperson if they make
your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shlock.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Heckory Farms and helpfully volunteer to
consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream "MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!"
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices
are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger Queen...
9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're
"astronaut food".
10. Follow patrons of D. Balton's around while reading aloud from Dianetics.
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is labeled black and white and insist
that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and
say, "You mean you really can't see it?"
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Snears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in
clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels.
17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour
while rocking from side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge other shoppers whether
they, too, can see the "hidden picture".
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw
cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and
whether there's much meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner.
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your
own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that
you lost a contact lens.
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color
of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, "I see London, I
see France..."
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander
around the mall taking two-inch steps.
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Ask the Hamond organ dealer if he can play "Jesus Built My Hotrod".
33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric
versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers.
34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will "give
you a really wicked buzz".
35. Ask the personnel at Peer 1 Imports whether they have "any giant crap
made out of straw".
36. "Toast" plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display.
37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around
in it.
39. Change every tv in the electronics department to a station showing
"Saved by the Bell". Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and
scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets.
40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a
Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling "scratch one
flattop!"
41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully
announce that none of them are "leakproof".
42. "Play" the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of
explosion noises.
43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down.
44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments
over whether they're real.
45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on your lap.
46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and
say "Domino's."
47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to
scratch yourself.
48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know "whether they've
seen this man."
50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later,
fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned
blue yet.


------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

Bad dog. BAD DOG! I SAID BAD DOG!!! Go HUMP SOMEONE ELSES LEG GODDAMNIT!!!

[Guru]

Originally posted by Jorden:
Oh God Denty, you mean you read all that crap up there?? How ill are you? Did someone nice take your temperature already?

Well I tink This Have been the most read topic this week!!!! Look eaven you read it!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now if you don't like it don't ****ing read it!!!!!!!!!!!!! Right???


------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

Bad dog. BAD DOG! I SAID BAD DOG!!! Go HUMP SOMEONE ELSES LEG GODDAMNIT!!!

[This message has been edited by Guru (edited 03 December 2000).]

[Guru]

Man Bakes Cake With Recipe Found On Internet!


Hamilton, New Zealand, 8-Aug-1995

A Hamilton (New Zealand) Analyst Programmer, Simon Travaglia, was caught
last week baking a cake from a recipe he found 'On the Internet..'. Police
were called in when female neighbors became suspicious about 'bakery smells'
wafting into their homes from Travaglia's residence. Police noted that
Travaglia had in his possession sophisticated cake-baking apparatus
including an oven and several professionally crafted spatulas, which, if
used properly, could have produced 10 or more cakes in a single day.

Police also found a stockpile of cakes, including several banana cakes, two
chocolate cakes, and a self-saucing pudding. At the time of his arrest, Mr.
Travaglia was apparently in the process of making several scones which were
appeared destined to be stored in 'scone-caches' around the city. The
Police also found was a larder full of ingredients with an estimated street
value of several dollars.

Experts who examined one cake surmised that it had an estimated yield of "8
slices, possibly 10 if you cut it up thinner".

A well-known member of parliament has renewed his calls for censorship of
"Usenet News" groups which distribute such material. He says: "We are faced
with a situation whereby school-age-children, without the knowledge of their
parents, can download recipes by the dozen, and store them in encrypted form
on the computer. Parents cannot be expected to Police this information, and
it is time legislation was put into place to prevent the distribution of
these recipes and punish those responsible for attempting it."

When it was pointed out that several similar recipes were available at many
public libraries, the Minister indicated that libraries were in a position
to control access to these books both by placing them in prominent places
under the watchful eyes of library staff and also on the top shelves of book
stacks. He similarly refuted claims that cakes such as the ones found could
be made by any third year cookery student. "These cakes," he said, "were
not made by trial and error. I have been assured by experts that the icing
on the top of the chocolate cake in particular was applied by a practiced
hand. If this information is out there, it will be found and used, and it's
obvious that the Internet has NO conscience when it comes to the
distribution of sweet foods. We must act, and we must act now!"

Meantime the Police have confirmed that despite all attempts to the
contrary, three of the seized cakes had 'gone off'. On this occasion,
no-one was seriously injured, although one officer was taken to sick bay
with 'a sore tummy'.



------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

Bad dog. BAD DOG! I SAID BAD DOG!!! Go HUMP SOMEONE ELSES LEG GODDAMNIT!!!

[Greebe]

Jord, I'd rather have Guru doing this than out on the street randomly humping innocent victims spreading his genetic code uncontrollably! hehe

[Guru]

Rating Your Party

by Dave Barry


If you threw a party, the worst thing you could have done was throw the kind
of party where your guests wake up today and call you up to say they had a
nice time. Now you'll be expected to throw another party next year.

What you should have done was throw the kind of party where your guests wake
up several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've been
indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to avoid a
recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning parties of
their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from having another one.

So next time, make sure your party reaches the correct Festivity Level:

Festivity Level One:

Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your
Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping
at their drinks and nibbling at hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Two:

Your guests are talking loudly - sometimes to each other and sometimes to
nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta
Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down
hors d'oeuvres.

Festivity Level Three:

Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I Can't
Get No Satisfaction," gulping other people's drinks, wolfing down
Christmas-tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to
see what happens when the little hammers strike.

Festivity Level Four:

Your guests have hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies, are
performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is
missing.

You want to keep your party somewhere around Level Three, unless you rent
your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to Level Four. The
best way to get to Level Three is eggnog.

Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many people
wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable comes from
the English word "egg," meaning, "egg." I don't know where the "nog" comes
from.

To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in
season, eggs. Combine all ingredients in a large, festive bowl. Then
induce your guests to drink this mixture.

If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless your
party is very successful, in which case they will lob tear gas through your
living-room window. As host, your job is to make sure they don't arrest
anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting someone, your job is to make
sure it isn't you. The best way to do this is to show a lot of respect for
their uniforms and assure them you're not doing anything illegal.
Here's how to handle it:

Police: Good evening. Are you the host?

You: No.

Police: We've been getting complaints about this party.

You: About the drugs?

Police: No.

You: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns?

Police: No, the noise.

You: Oh, the noise. Well, that makes sense, because there are no guns
or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the background)
...or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? The
neighbors?

Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent
complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could ask
the host to quiet things down?

You: No problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive
religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living room
and roars down the hall, past the police and out the front door
onto the lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble
out onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are already starting
to wind down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC

Bad dog. BAD DOG! I SAID BAD DOG!!! Go HUMP SOMEONE ELSES LEG GODDAMNIT!!!