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2 much fighting going on here latley......
....I think we need a break! So here goes...
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions. He asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional
for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and '
I understand. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest repeats those
things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?! What happened next?'
---------------------------------------------
Ole and Lena are sixty-nining when Ole says, "Leena did you know there is
117,000 musk-ox in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't, gee, you're smart".
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in
Alaska?" Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you¹re smart. Ole says, "Lena, did
you know there is over 2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?" "No," says
Lena, "how did you get so smart?" sort of wondering how this conversation
came about in the middle of their sex play.
Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out of toilet paper and we
had to use the pages out of magazines?"
"Yes, I remember," says Lena.
Ole says, "Well you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to
your ass."
---------------------------------------------
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair
shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed
only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he
told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the
job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you
discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We
usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things
themselves first."
---------------------------------------------
Two privates stationed at a fort were handed shovels and told to bury a
large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they
were burying.
"This here's a big mule!"
"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey."
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are
you boys doing?"
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."
"Donkey!"
The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass."
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing,
digging a foxhole?"
"No sir. We're diggin' an ****ole."
---------------------------------------------
Ed was a successful computer programmer and a happy family man. His life
was blessed with a loving wife, 2 kids, three cats and a dog.
Ed loved taking Rusty the dog for his evening walk and was proud when his
son, Little Johnny, began asking to go along on Rusty's evening walks.
Little Johnny was an observant and curious child and one evening asked his
father, "Daddy, why does Rusty always sniff that phone pole when we take
him for his walk?"
Well, Ed wasn't sure how he should answer his son. How DOES one explain the
way animals mark their territory to a 6-year-old? Stalling for time Ed
asked, "What do you think he's doing Johnny?"
Johnny frowned in concentration, then brightened and said, "I know! I Know!
He's checking his P-Mail!"
---------------------------------------------
Q: What's the disadvantage of being a test tube baby?
A: Your dad's a wanker
---------------------------------------------
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and
took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife was feeling bad about what had happened and decided
to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer she went to the Pro
shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the Pro and he suggested
a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," replied the Pro.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription." he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she inquired.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers' favorites
is, 'Never Up, Never In.'"
"Oh, that will never do," exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the
argument in the first place!"
---------------------------------------------
Q: What are you going to eat for breakfast?
A: Ketchup and liquor buns.
Q: What are you going to eat for lunch?
A: Ketchup and liquor buns.
Q: What are you going to eat for dinner?
A: Ketchup and liquor buns.
Q: What would you do if you see a fine ass babe walking down the street?
A: Ketchup and liquor buns.
---------------------------------------------
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it
into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the
farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo
and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is
completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle
and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the
fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished
together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "It's quite astounding when you consider
what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"
---------------------------------------------
A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him
and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that
he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is
the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that there was
nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a
client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you?
You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client
suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining
room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man
explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he
felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he
definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up
"looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels
great".
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels
great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell
me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina."
---------------------------------------------´
A young woman teacher with explains to her class of children that she is
an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.
Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher,
their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however,
one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd. The
teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm Jewish."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks
Sara why she is Jewish.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My mom is Jewish, and my
dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if
your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist."
------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless..
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions. He asks the older
priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest hears a couple of
confessions, then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional
for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your
chin with one hand." The new priest tries this.
The old priest suggests, "Try saying things like, 'I see, yes, go on,' and '
I understand. How did you feel about that?'" The new priest repeats those
things.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little better than
slapping your knee and saying 'No shit?! What happened next?'
---------------------------------------------
Ole and Lena are sixty-nining when Ole says, "Leena did you know there is
117,000 musk-ox in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't, gee, you're smart".
Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in
Alaska?" Lena says, "No I didn't. Gee, you¹re smart. Ole says, "Lena, did
you know there is over 2,000,000 caribou living in Alaska?" "No," says
Lena, "how did you get so smart?" sort of wondering how this conversation
came about in the middle of their sex play.
Ole says, "Remember last winter when we ran out of toilet paper and we
had to use the pages out of magazines?"
"Yes, I remember," says Lena.
Ole says, "Well you still have page 63 of the National Geographic stuck to
your ass."
---------------------------------------------
When a guy's printer type began to grow faint, he called a local repair
shop where a friendly man informed him that the printer probably needed
only to be cleaned. Because the store charged $50 for such cleanings, he
told him he might be better off reading the printer's manual and trying the
job himself.
Pleasantly surprised by his candor, he asked, "Does your boss know that you
discourage business?"
"Actually, it's my boss's idea," the employee replied sheepishly. "We
usually make more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things
themselves first."
---------------------------------------------
Two privates stationed at a fort were handed shovels and told to bury a
large, dead animal. While digging they got into an argument about what they
were burying.
"This here's a big mule!"
"This ain't no mule, this here's a donkey."
"Mule!"
"Donkey!"
Well, this went on for a while until the camp chaplain came by. "What are
you boys doing?"
"We're diggin' a grave for this mule."
"Donkey!"
The chaplain cut in, "Boys, this isn't either one, it's an ass."
An hour later, the camp commander came up and said, "What are you men doing,
digging a foxhole?"
"No sir. We're diggin' an ****ole."
---------------------------------------------
Ed was a successful computer programmer and a happy family man. His life
was blessed with a loving wife, 2 kids, three cats and a dog.
Ed loved taking Rusty the dog for his evening walk and was proud when his
son, Little Johnny, began asking to go along on Rusty's evening walks.
Little Johnny was an observant and curious child and one evening asked his
father, "Daddy, why does Rusty always sniff that phone pole when we take
him for his walk?"
Well, Ed wasn't sure how he should answer his son. How DOES one explain the
way animals mark their territory to a 6-year-old? Stalling for time Ed
asked, "What do you think he's doing Johnny?"
Johnny frowned in concentration, then brightened and said, "I know! I Know!
He's checking his P-Mail!"
---------------------------------------------
Q: What's the disadvantage of being a test tube baby?
A: Your dad's a wanker
---------------------------------------------
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and
took a blanket to the couch.
The next day the wife was feeling bad about what had happened and decided
to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer she went to the Pro
shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the Pro and he suggested
a putter and he showed her one of his finest.
"How much is it?" she asked.
"One hundred and fifty dollars," replied the Pro.
She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription." he said.
"What kind of inscription?" she inquired.
"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers' favorites
is, 'Never Up, Never In.'"
"Oh, that will never do," exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the
argument in the first place!"
---------------------------------------------
Q: What are you going to eat for breakfast?
A: Ketchup and liquor buns.
Q: What are you going to eat for lunch?
A: Ketchup and liquor buns.
Q: What are you going to eat for dinner?
A: Ketchup and liquor buns.
Q: What would you do if you see a fine ass babe walking down the street?
A: Ketchup and liquor buns.
---------------------------------------------
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it
into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the
farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's
work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your
dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo
and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is
completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle
and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the
fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished
together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "It's quite astounding when you consider
what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"
---------------------------------------------
A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him
and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that
he felt great.
The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is
the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied that there was
nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a
client and the client looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you?
You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great. The client
suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad.
The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into the examining
room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible." The man
explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terrible but that he
felt great.
The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated that he
definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book and looked up
"looks terrible". After he found that he looked up the subsection "feels
great".
The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feels
great'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor, "Tell
me, what is it?"
The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina."
---------------------------------------------´
A young woman teacher with explains to her class of children that she is
an atheist. She asks her class if they are atheists too.
Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher,
their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however,
one exception. A girl named Sara has not gone along with the crowd. The
teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
"I'm Jewish."
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks
Sara why she is Jewish.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My mom is Jewish, and my
dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if
your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist."
------------------
Join the MURC SETI team! | SETI @ MURC
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless..
.
Thanks Guru!
)
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