Windows 2000 Slack Jawed Redneck Edition.

[Guru]

http://www.tweak3d.net/comments.cgi?view=3794

[Chris B]

LOL... gotta love those redneck jokes...

Redneck Dictionary
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HEIDI - noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, hire yew?
BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."
MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck and I ain't herd from him in munts."
THANK - verb. Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
BARE - noun. An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: "Ah thank ah'll have a bare."
RANCH - noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."
ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."
FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far."
TAR - noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."
TIRE - noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."
RETARD - Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."
FAT - noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat.
2. to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: "You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh."
RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."
FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed....
mus' be from some farn country."
DID - adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."
EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: "He cain't breathe....give 'im some ear!"
BOB WAR - noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."
JEW HERE - Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"
HAZE - a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah....haze ignert.
He ain't thanked but a minnit 'n 'is laf."
SEED - verb, past tense of "to see".
VIEW - contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City....view?"
GUMMIT - Noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."
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Redneck Medical Terms
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Benign - What you be after you be eight
Artery - The study of paintings
Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria
Barium - What doctors do when patients die
Cesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome
Catscan - Searching for kitty
Cauterize - Made eye contact with her
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Enema - Not a friend
Fester - Quicker than someone else
Fibula - A small lie
Genitalnon - Jewish person
Hangnail - What you hang your coat on
Impotent - Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane
Morbid - A higher offer than I bid
Nitrates - Cheaper than day rates
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Pap Smear - A fatherhood test
Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative - A letter carrier
Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery
Rectum - Damn near killed him
Secretion - Hiding something
Seizure - Roman emperor
Tablet - A small table
Terminal illness - Getting sick at the airport
Tumor - More than one
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Varicose - Near by/close by
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Redneck Computer Terms
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Backup - What ya do when ya run 'cross a skunk in da woods

Bar Code - Them's the fight'n rules down at Joe's bar

Bug - The reason ya give for calling in sick

Byte - What yur pit bull dun to cusin Jethro

Cache - Needed when yur out a food stamps

Chip - Pasture muffins that ya try not to step in

Terminal - Time to call the undertaker

Crash - When ya go to Junior's party without an invite

Digital - The art of counting on yur fingers

Diskette - Female Disco dancer

Fax - What ya lie about to the IRS

Hacker - Uncle Leroy after 32 years of smoking

Internet - Where cafeteria workers put their hair

Keyboard - Where ya hang the keys to the John Deere

Mac - Big Bubba's favorite fast food

Megahertz - How yur head feels after 17 beers

Modem - What ya did when the grass and weeds got too tall

Mouse Pad - Where Mickey and Minnie live

Network - Scoop'n up a big fish before it breaks the line

Online - Where to stay when taking the sobriety test

ROM - Where the pope lives

Screen - Helps keep the skeeters off the porch

Serial Port - A red wine ya drink with breakfast

Superconductor - Amtrak's Employee of the year

SCSI - What ya call week-old underwear

[SCompRacer]

ROFLMAO!!!!

[ALBPM]

HEY All Y'all, Here's some mo.

YOU MIGHT BE A HIGH-TECH REDNECK IF...

1. Your e-mail address ends in "@over.yonder.com."

2. You connect to the World Wide Web via a "Down Home Page."

3. If the bumper sticker on your truck says, "My other computer is a laptop."

4. Your laptop has a sticker that says, "Protected by Smith and Wesson."

5. You've ever doubled the value of your truck by installing a cellular phone.

6. Your computer is worth more than all your cars combined.

>7. You wire your network with jumper cables.

8. Your wife said either she or the computer had to go, and you still don't miss her.

9. You've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your drink on.

10. You ever refer to your computer as "Ole Bessy."

11. Three Words: Daisy Duke Screensaver

12. You start all your e-mails with the words, "Howdy y'all."

13. Your spell checker knows words like, "Y'all", "Yonder", and "Reckon."

14. Your cars sit in the yard because your garage is full of dead CPUs,printers, modems and monitors.

15. Your belt buckle is made from a dead 3.5" hard drive.

16. You ever felt you had to move your computer desk so it didn't block the velvet picture of Elvis.

17. Yer mouse keeps knocking over yer spitcan.

18. Smith & Wesson...the original point N click interface.

19. When you're friends comment on your "nice boots" and you say, "Yea,thanks. Its my spiffy, new Phoenix BIOS."

20. When your wife catches you again with your "Farm Animals of the Orient" CD-ROM.

21. When you order your new pick-up truck with a gunrack and PCMCIA sockets.

22. Your PC Games collection consists of nothing but Bass Fishing tournament games.

23. You only buy from Gateway, 'cause the cow-colored boxes are a hoot.

That's it fer now

[ALBPM]

I fergot these..They might be impotent

Martha Stewart's Tips for Rednecks


General


Never take a beer to a job interview. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral


Dining Out

When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the wine. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.

Entertaining in your home

A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.


Personal Hygiene

While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant
is a waste of good money. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.


Dating (outside the family)

Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

Theater Etiquette

Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings

Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.


Driving Etiquette

Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer. Do not lay rubber while traveling
in a funeral procession.

[-Chapel-]

Hey guys,

Here's one you missed..

You might be a Red Neck when your Family tree is a straight line