Announcement

**agallag** · 1 November 2001, 18:06

This isn't a joke, but this email was pretty amusing. It was sent out by the manager of the lab where my department's test servers are located. Note the very strange timing of the event

Due to the maintenance on the cooling tower, we need to shutdown the equipment in the OTS Lab on Nov 2, 2001 ( Friday )

The power down time is Nov 2, 2001 at 15:30 AM
The power up time is Nov 2, 2001 at 8:30 AM

Please let me know if you have any conerns on it before 11:00 AM Nov 2, 2001. Sorry for the short notice.

**Joel** · 1 November 2001, 19:04

MY RESUME:
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned, ...couldn't concentrate. Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax. After that I tried to be a tailor but I just wasn't suited for it...mainly because it was a so-so job. Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was too exhausting. Then I tried to be a chef-figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn't have the thyme. I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard. My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy. I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience. Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in. I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income. I managed to get a good job working! For a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining. So then I got a job in a workout center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it. My last job was working at a coffee-shop, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind. SO I RETIRED AND FOUND I, AM, FOR THE JOB.

Employee Lingo:
`I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization.'-I can make my own coffee.
`I'm honest, hardworking, and dependable'. -I only pilfer office supplies.
`I take pride in my work - I blame others for my mistakes.
`I'm personable - i give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers

Joel

**Lizzard[MPE]** · 2 November 2001, 06:34

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car w/sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3) Every time someone asks you to do something at the office, ask if they want fries with that!

4) Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN."

5) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

7) As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

8) Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

9) Sing along at the opera.

10) Call the psychic hotline and don't say anything.

11) When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "Run for your lives, they're loose!"

12) Tell your friends, "It's not the voices in my head that bother me, its the voices in your head that do."

13) Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

**Lizzard[MPE]** · 2 November 2001, 06:47

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see what they do with
the money....

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that
she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what
each woman had done with the money, and
then he. . . . . . . .

Married the one with the largest breasts.

**KvHagedorn** · 2 November 2001, 06:50

6) In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors.'

I remember something like this from college.. One day we were all eating in the dining hall, when this girl walked by and asked a friend of mine for the 10 bucks he owed her. He took out his checkbook and wrote her a check.. in the memo field he wrote "for oral sodomy." You shoulda seen her face when she looked at it..

**spoogenet** · 2 November 2001, 18:00

A group of med students in a class were all excited because today is a special day. Today they are getting their first cadaver to work with.

The professor walks into the class and begins his short lecture before they begin.

"There are two key qualities you must posess to succeed in the medical profession. The first quality is a strong stomach. You will see many things that may be disgusting, but you must continue to work."

He then proceeds to stick his finger in the rectum of the cadaver, then sucks on his finger. Naturally everybody in the room was disgusted by it. The professor continues

"Now, I want everybody in the room to do as I have done. Go on, it won't kill you. You must overcome your tendency to be disgusted."

Everybody in the room goes around and does as they were told. By this time quite a few of the people have regurgitated out of disgust. The professor continues again

"Great, now this brings us to the second key principle....observation. As you may not have noticed, I stuck my middle finger in the cadaver's rectum and sucked on my index finger. PAY ATTENTION PEOPLE!!!"

b

**mainframe** · 2 November 2001, 19:09

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by
the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners,
he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.
"That's unfair !" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and
that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up!"
barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. "Who are you
to question that woman's punishment?"

**mainframe** · 2 November 2001, 19:12

The Top 10 Things NOT to say to a Police Officer

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

4. Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

5. Are You Andy or Barney?

6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

7. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

8. I pay your salary!

9. Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

**mainframe** · 2 November 2001, 19:26

Rules Men Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
24. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
25. No, it does not matter which quiz.
26. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
27. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
28. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
29. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
30. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
31. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
32. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
33. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
34. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
35. If it itches, it will be scratched.
36. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
37. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
38. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
39. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry; the fantasy includes you AND her, together.

Announcement

It's Friday, so it's Joke Time

It's Friday, so it's Joke Time

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