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Company Christmas Party
December 1st
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December
23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will
be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band
playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows
up dressed as Santa Claus to light the
Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should
be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
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December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is
an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas
(though unfortunately not this year). However, from now
on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa
at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
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December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a
member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign
on the table that reads, "AA Only," you
won't be anonymous anymore. In addition,
forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be
allowed since the union members feel that
$10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians
do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their
table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the
gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of
"Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil
connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to
hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it
or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from
the "grill of death," as you put it, and
you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes.
But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward
your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management
has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm happy to inform you that the company
Christmas Party will take place on December
23rd at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. There will
be lots of spiked eggnog and a small band
playing traditional carols ... feel free to sing
along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows
up dressed as Santa Claus to light the
Christmas tree! Exchange of gifts among employees
can be done at that time; however, no gift should
be over $10.
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
------------------------------------------------------------------------
December 2nd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude
our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is
an important holiday that often coincides with Christmas
(though unfortunately not this year). However, from now
on we're calling it our "Holiday Party." The same
policy applies to employees who are celebrating Kwanzaa
at this time. There will be no Christmas tree and no
Christmas carols sung.
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty Lewis
Human Resources Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 3rd
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Regarding the anonymous note I received from a
member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a
non-drinking table, I'm happy to accommodate this
request, but, don't forget, if I put a sign
on the table that reads, "AA Only," you
won't be anonymous anymore. In addition,
forget about the gifts exchange-- no gifts will be
allowed since the union members feel that
$10 is too much money.
Patty Lewis
Human Researchers Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 7th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I've arranged for members of Overeaters Anonymous to sit farthest
from the dessert buffet and pregnant women closest to the
restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians
do not have to sit with the gay men; each will have their
table. Yes, there will be a flower arrangement for the
gay men's table.
Happy now?
Patty Lewis
Human Racehorses Director
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 9th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
People, people -- nothing sinister was intended by wanting
our CEO to play Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of
"Santa" does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil
connotation to our own "little man in a red suit."
Patty Lewis
Human Ratraces
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 10th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
Vegetarians -- I've had it with you people!! We're going to
hold this party at Luigi's Open Pit whether you like it
or not, you can just sit at the table farthest from
the "grill of death," as you put it, and
you'll get salad bar only, including hydroponic tomatoes.
But, you know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They
scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream.
I'm hearing them right now... Ha!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday! Drive drunk and die,
you hear me?
The Bitch from Hell
----------------------------------------------------------------------
December 14th
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness. I'll continue to forward
your cards to her at the sanitarium. In the meantime, management
has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the
afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
Terri Bishop
Acting Human Resources Director
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