The New Weakly Joke Thread (Miss-Spelled Intentionally)

[ALBPM]

This has been a Rough week already and I need some Humor!!!!!

Hillbilly Herman was drafted by the Army, and on the first day as an enlisted man he was given a comb.

The following day, the Army barber sheared all his
hair off.

On the third day, the Army gave him a toothbrush.

On the next day, the Army dentist yanked several of his teeth out.

On the fifth day, he was given a jockstrap-- that afternoon Herman went AWOL.

[ALBPM]

<table width="350" border="0" bgcolor="#996433"><tr bgcolor="#F0A268"><td width="125" bgcolor="#FFCCFF"><div align="center"><img src="http://www.geraldfield.com/nadinesplace/muppetquiz/fozzie.jpg" width="125" height="108"></div></td><td width="177" bgcolor="#FFCCFF"><p align="center"><b><font size="3" color="#612203">You are Fozzie!</font></b><font color="#612203"><br><font size="2">Wokka Wokka! You love to make lame jokes. Your sense of humor might be a bit off, but you're a great friend and can always be counted on.</font></font><font color="#950000"><font size="2">.</font></font></p></td></tr><tr bgcolor="#996433"><td colspan="2"><div align="center"><font size="1"><b><a href="http://www.geraldfield.com/cgi-bin/unofficial/quizzes/sfesurvey.cgi?whatmuppetareyou" target="_blank"><font color="#FF99FF">Take the <i>What Muppet Are You?</i> Quiz!</font></a></b></font></div></td></tr></table>

What??? You guys don't like jokes anymore??

Paul

[KvHagedorn]

Alright, I'm just very bad at telling jokes, so I got one from the random stupid joke server


A girl from the South and a girl from the North were seated next to each other on a plane. The Southern Girl, being friendly and all, said "So, where ya'll from?"

The northern girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."

The girl from the south sat quietly for a moment and then said, "so where ya'll from, bitch? "

*Note to offended parents: After hours of research, we discovered that the word "bitch" is in the dictionary and is perfectly usable. If you are offended, we respectfully ask that you not be such a bastard.

[KvHagedorn]

A rich business buys the world's fastest and most expensive car, the Tri-Turbo Convertible Fantasy. It costs over $1 million. Eager to play with his new toy, the executive takes it for a spin.

At the first stop light, an old man rides up next to the Fantasy on an old scooter. Without an invitation, the old man sticks his head in the car and says, "Quite a ride you got here - how fast will she go?"

"About 270," answers the executive.

"No way," says the old man.

Just then, the light turns green and the executive decides to show the old man what the car can do. He floors it, and within seconds the car is doing 270.

But suddenly, he notices in his rear view mirror a dot that seems to be getting closer and closer, so he comes to a stop.

Then, whooooooooooosh, something goes flying by.

"What the heck was that?" says the executive. "What can go faster than my fantasy?"

Suddenly, the same blur comes racing back toward him, and whoooooosh, passes right by. This time the executive got a better look and could have sworn it looked like the old man on the scooter.

"That just couldn't be," he says to himself.

Suddenly, he sees it again in his rear view mirror and wham! It smashes into the back of the Fantasy.

The executive jumps from his car, and sure enough, it's the old man on the scooter that crashed into him.

"Are you okay?" asks the executive. Is there anything I can do for you?

"Yes," replied the old man, "unhook my suspenders from your side view mirror, please."

[KvHagedorn]

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

[Wombat]

Two Alabama hunters are out in the woods, when one of them gurgles, falls over, and his head lands on a rock. No signs of breathing or pulse. His buddy panics, and calls 911. He shouts to the operator, "Help, my hunting partner just fell over he's got no brath nor pulse!"
"Okay sir, calm down. First, let's make sure he's dead."

Silence. And then a shot is heard.

[Greebe]

LENTEN PROHIBITIONS

John Smith was the only Protestant to move into the large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile all of his neighbors were eating cold tuna fish for supper. This went on each Friday during Lent.
On the last Friday of Lent the neighborhood men got together and decided that something just HAD to be done about John, he was just tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent and they couldn't take it anymore. They decided to try and convert him to be Catholic. They went over and talked with him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to church and the priest sprinkled some water over him and told him "Your were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist and now you are a Catholic". The men of the neighborhood were SO relieved, now their biggest Lent temptation was resolved.
The next year's Lent rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came and just at supper time when the neighborhood was setting down to their fish dinners came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! What was going on??? They called each other up and decided to meet over in John's yard to see if he had forgotten it was a Friday in Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was pouring small droplets over his steak on the grill and saying "you were born a cow, you were raised a cow and now you are a fish."

[Greebe]

How to destroy Al Qaida !!!!
Send a bunch of Cajuns to Afghanistan and tell them three things:

1. -The limit is two.
2. -Season ended yesterday.
3. -They are good to eat.

[Greebe]

"Places I'd Rather Not Live In.."
```````````````````````````````````````
Blue Balls, Pennsylvania
Virginville, Pennsylvania
Hell, Michigan
Fertile, Minnesota
Purgutory, Colorado
Mianus, Connecticut
Normal, Illinois
Oblong, Illinois
West Middlesex, Pennsylvania
Fertility, Pennsylvania
Bugtussle, Oklahoma
Bird-In-Hand, Pennsylvania
Gayville, South Dakota
Monkey's Eyebrow, Kentucky
Rabbit Hash, Kentucky
Hell-fer-Certain, Kentucky
Fertile, Minnesota
Hell's Half Acre, Kentucky
Pippa Passes, Kentucky
Fisty (pronounced "feisty"), Kentucky
Hazard, Kentucky
Blue Licks, Kentucky
Butcher Hollow, Kentucky
Nunsuch, Kentucky
Stamping Ground, Kentucky
Big Bone Lick, Kentucky
French Lick, Indiana
Dildo, Newfoundland
Come-by-chance, Newfoundland

[Greebe]

Q - Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters
exclusively to lawyers?
A - It's called Sosumi.

[Greebe]

One day a housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to his wife,
"What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," she replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"


He yelled back, "Texas A & M!"

[Guru]

38.7 C fever and seing pink elephants over here but I'll try to be funny!

A talaban commander and his troops were walking down a path, when they hear a voice from over the hill...

" 10 Talaban soldiers are no match for 1 Australian SAS Soldier"

The commander thinking this is a joke, sent his 10 best men over the hill to get the SAS soldier. There was a fearce battle, and then silence....

"100 Talaban soldiers are no match for 1 Australian SAS Soldier" said the voice again

Confused and in a rage, the commander gathered 100 of his men, and sent them over the hil to kill the SAS soldier. More gun fire, heaps of screaming, and then more silance....

"1000 Talaban soldiers are no match for 1 Australian SAS Soldier" said the voice again

The commander, oviously at this stage very pi**ed gatherd 1000 of his men, and told them to shoot on sight. A 10 minute battle raged over the hill, as he see's one of his men come back wounded.

"What happened?" Asked the Commander

"It's a trick sir.." said the soldier "There are 2 of them..."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't
know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the
register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with
dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this
rod and reel?"

He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter
I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the
sound that it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He
said, "Thats a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb.
test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's
$20.00".

She says, "Thats amazing that you can tell all that just by the
sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm
looking for so I'll take it."

He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime
the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes
that there is no way he could tell it was her...being blind he
wouldn't know that she was the only person around.

He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50." She says,
"But didn't you say it was $20.00?" He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod
and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink
bait is $2.50."

[Strahd]

A man joins an order of monks. Doing so, he takes a vow of silence and can not utter a word.

2 years pass, and the man is at peace with himself, has done hours and hours of meditation etc, the head monk comes to see him. He says to the monk, you have been a model monk, and for this we grant you permission to say 2 words.

The monk considers this and says, "Hard Bed."

"Very well,” the head monk says. "We'll take care of that for you.

So all is well and he goes back to his life of silence.

2 years go by again and the head monk comes to see him again. He says to the monk, "After another 2 years, we may grant you 2 words to speak.

The monk takes careful consideration and says, "Cold food."

The head monk says don't worry, consider it taken care of.

Another 2 years pass, and the head monk returns and says, "Brother, we grant you 2 more words to speak."

Without consideration this time the monk says, "I quit."

The head monk replies, "Good!! Cause all you've done since you got here was bitch."

[GT98]

Blonde Joke time


Why was the blonde sitting on the roof of the bar?


Because she heard drinks where on the house


Scott

[Strahd]