The New Weakly Joke Thread (Miss-Spelled Intentionally) (Part2)

[KeiFront]

After 25 years of service the postman was about to retire. On his last day he walked the same routine as he did for 25 years. When he arrived at the first house the people gave him fishing gear and wished him happy retirement.

When he arrived at the second house the people gave him camping gear and wished him happy retirement.

When he arrived at the third house a blond lady opened the door and invited him in. They went upstairs and had ditry sex for about two hours. She
then made him breakfast and afterwards handed him a dollar.

The postman was surprised, he asked: "Today you gave me the greatest sex I had for years, and breakfast was nice, but what's with the dollar"?

The blond lady answered: "Last night, I was talking to my husband, I told him that today was your last day, and asked what should we do?" My husband said: "**** the postman! Just give him a dollar." "And adding breakfast was my idea!"



Joe, an old Scottish man, was sitting in the bar, complaining about his
life...
"Do ya see that house there ? Well, I've built that in 1 month, it's strong,
has facilities and many more...
But do they call me Joe-the-house-builder ?
Noo...

Do ya see that wall over there ? Well I've built that one during 2 years...
It's pretty as a picture... But do they call me Joe-the-wall-builder ?
Noo....

Do ya see that pier over there ? I've spend six months of my life on
it...everybody's walking on it...
But do they call me Joe-the-pier-builder ?
Noo..."

.....
(Silence)
.....

"But when ya **** one sheep..."


Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?

[impact]

Remember this movie?

Yakavetta: I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke.
Rocco: Uh, OK. There's these three guys walking on the beach, a spic, a white guy, and a black guy.
Yakavetta: Nigger!
Rocco: Yeah, right. So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says you can wish for whatever you want. So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof! It's done. Then he says to the black guy --
Vincenzo Lipazzi: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, right, he says to the nigger "What do you want?" And the nigger says "I want all my nigger brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof! And they're all back in Africa. So... I'm not funny today, really, this joke sucks, I know...
Yakavetta: Continue the joke.
Rocco: Uh, so he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the spics and niggers are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."

[ZokesPro]

Originally posted by impact
Remember this movie?

Yakavetta: I'm having a shitty day. I'm depressed. Tell me a funny joke.
Rocco: Uh, OK. There's these three guys walking on the beach, a spic, a white guy, and a black guy.
Yakavetta: Nigger!
Rocco: Yeah, right. So they find this pot, rub it, and a genie comes out. The genie says you can wish for whatever you want. So he asks the Mexican what he wants, and he says "I want all my people in America to be happy and free, and in Mexico." So the genie goes poof! It's done. Then he says to the black guy --
Vincenzo Lipazzi: Nigger.
Rocco: Yeah, right, he says to the nigger "What do you want?" And the nigger says "I want all my nigger brothers to be back in Africa, and happy and free and everything." So the genie goes poof! And they're all back in Africa. So... I'm not funny today, really, this joke sucks, I know...
Yakavetta: Continue the joke.
Rocco: Uh, so he says to the white guy, "What's your one wish?" And the white guy says, "Wait, you mean to tell me that all the spics and niggers are out of America?" The genie goes yeah, and the white guy says, uh, "I'll have a Coke, then."

The Boondock Saints !!!

Awesome movie!

[impact]

I am suprised. You, sir, deserve a cookie! It is indeed The Boondock Saints and I couldn't agree with you more about the rating: it's simply awesome!

[ZokesPro]

Originally posted by impact
I am suprised. You, sir, deserve a cookie! It is indeed The Boondock Saints and I couldn't agree with you more about the rating: it's simply awesome!

Oops, did I say "awesome"?

I meant "FREAKING AWESOME!!!!", that's it!

[impact]

Low budget beauty! And the creative use of toilet seats...

[ALBPM]

Things a True Southerner Knows:

The difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit.

Pretty much how many fish make up a mess.

What general direction cattywumpus is.

That "gimme sugar" don't mean pass the sugar bowl.

When somebody's "fixin" to do something, it won't be long.

The difference between yankees and damn yankees.

How good a cold grape Nehi and cheese crackers are at a country store.

The same goes for an RC Cola and a Moon Pie.

Knows what, "Well I Suwannee!!!" means.

Ain't nobody's biscuits like Grandma's biscuits!!!

A good dog is worth its weight in gold.

Real gravy don't come from the store.

The difference between the Stars and Bars and the Confederate Battle Flag.

When "by and by" is.

How to handle their "likker".

The difference between "pert' near" and "a right far piece."

The differences between a redneck and a good ol' boy.

The difference between "you," "y'all," "all y'all," and "all y'all's."

Never to go snipe hunting twice.

At one point learned what happens when you swallow tobacco juice.

Never to assume that the other car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

You may wear long sleeves, but you should always roll 'em up past the elbows.

You should never loan your tools, pick-up or gun to nobody.

A belt serves a greater purpose than holding Daddy's pants up.

Why breakfast ain't breakfast without grits.

Rocking chairs and swings are guaranteed stress relievers.

Rocking chairs and swings with an old person in them are history lessons.

That it's important to say "Y'all take care," and mean it when someone leaves.

Southern Advice (differences between the North and South):

If you are from the Northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has dating services,
The South has family reunions.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press-on Nails.

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,
The South has crawdads.

The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store ....Don't buy food at this store.

Remember, "y'all" can be singular, "all y'all" is plural and "all y'all's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from round here, are ya?"

You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Y'all ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol" truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

The proper pronunciation and grammar you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense down here.

"It don't make me no nevermind," is just another way of saying, "don't care".

"She's hard-favored," means "that girl is unattractive."

"She's all ate up with the uglies," needs no further explanation. Same for, "He's all ate up with the stupids."

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this," you should stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.

When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

AND REMEMBER:
A yankee comes to the South, spends his money and then goes back up North.
A damn yankee comes to the South and just stays.

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will automatically accept them as Southerners.
After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

Have a good day Send this to a whole bunch people what ain't related to you and I reckon your life will turn into a country music song afore you know it.

And y'all take care, now ... ya hear?

[Guru]

Personal Mottos

A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
Do I look like a ****ing people person?

This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I started out with nothing...and I still have most of it left.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

And just how may I **** you over today?

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.

I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.

I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

One of us is thinking about sex... OK, it's me.

I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?

It's sick the way you people keep having sex without me.

I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.

Okay, okay, I take it back! Un**** you!

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

You look like shit. Is that the style now?

Earth is full. Go home.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out all I wanted was paychecks.

It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

[Greebe]

1) The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
2) I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me.
4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
6) Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
7) WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.
8) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
9) BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
10) I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
11) So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute.
12) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
13) Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
14) To all you virgins, thanks for nothing.
15) I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
16) My kid had sex with your honor student.
17) Earth first...we'll mind the other planets later.
18) I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
19) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
20) As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
21) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
22) I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...
not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
23) God must love stupid people, he made so many.
24) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
25) Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26) It IS as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
27) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
28) It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
29) Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
30) I know what you're thinking, and you should be ashamed of yourself.
31) Elvis is dead, and I'm not feeling too good myself.
32) Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
33) Very funny, Scotty. Now beam up my clothes.
34) Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
35) Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
36) CAT----- The Other White Meat
37) Beer----- The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
38) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With ****oles
39) I'm Out Of Bed And Dressed-----What More Do You Want?
40) Remember My Name------You'll Be Screaming It Later.
41) Welcome To Shit Creek-----Sorry, We're Out of Paddles
42) If You Think I'm A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother.
43) Jesus loves you. Everybody else thinks you're an ****ole.
44) I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.

[Lizzard[MPE]]

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.



(haha this happened to my brother last week. He was going to list a bank repo and he needed to take pics etc, and he saw this barn way off the property.. so he and my brother-in-law went to check it out and he found this huge chain so he decided that he wanted it for his (gardening truck). well they got stuck in some mud with using the Exterra.. 4 guys in a huge truck came along and decided to use the chain and help pull them out.. afterwards the guy driving asked why they were there, and my brother said "We came over here to steal this chain" and the guy said "well you cant have it cos its my barn!" hahaha

my brother is so retarded sometimes.. the barn didn't even belong to the bank...