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The Internet - where men are men, women are men, and teenage girls are FBI agents!
I'm the least you could do
If only life were as easy as you
I'm the least you could do, oh yeah
If only life were as easy as you
I would still get screwed
THE SCOUSERS
[int. living room. HE and JM are sat on the sofa, reading newspapers, as the
front door bell goes...]
HE It's a'right, Bar - I'll get it.
JM 'ey-ey! No, ya won't! I get the door in this 'ouse. I always get the door
in this friggin' 'ouse!
HE 'ey - it's my 'ouse, I get the friggin' door, A'RIGHT?
[both get up, and stand toe-to-toe, pointing at each other]
JM No, it's not - it's my 'ouse!
HE 'ey, no...
[GB comes into the room and "separates" them...]
GB 'ey-'ey! A'right! Calm down, calm down! What's goin' on 'ere? There's
someone at the door!
JM A'right.
GB A'right.
HE A'right.
GB A'right.
[all three stand poised to sit down, eyeing one another suspiciously, gradually
sinking lower while checking the other two all the time...]
*3 'ey! 'ey! 'ey!
[just as they finally to sit down, F1 comes in through the front door, bawling
her eyes out. GB leaps up to open the living room door as she enters...]
GB A'right, Sis! Come in, girl! You're lookhin' well!
F1 Oh, Gary! The leccy's been cut off! What am I gonna do? They're
gonna cut me leccy off! What am I gonna do?
[HE turns around from eying JM, and something suddenly dawns on him...]
HE 'ey, Gar - did you open the friggin' door?
GB What if I did? D'you wanna make summin' out of it?
HE Yeah, I friggin' DO!
GB Well come on, then!
[they both leap to their feet, and put up their dukes. JM intervenes...]
JM 'ey-'ey! A'right! Break it up, eh?
[pause for another slow bout of gesturing/sinking/eyeing on to sofa again, with
F1 sat between JM and GB]
HE 'ey!
GB 'ey!
JM Now, what's all this about?
F1 They've repossessed all me furniture! An' the Social's stopped me money!
I got nowt for the kiddieeees!
JM Oh, 'ere y'are, Sis - I'll lend ya some money.
[JM stands up and gets his wallet out, but GB quickly gets up too]
GB 'ey, ya will not! She's my sister! I'll lend her some money!
JM Lookh, if there's any money to be lent, I'll do it! A'right?
GB Not if I've got any say in it, you wont! Sod off!
JM YOU sod off!
GB YOU sod off!
JM YOU sod off!
[HE finally jumps up and gestures to them to sit down - cue an even slower
"sinking" back down on to the sofa again...]
HE A'right, you two - break it up, eh? What's goin' on 'ere, eh? Eh-eh-eh?
*3 'ey! 'ey! 'ey! 'ey! 'ey! 'ey! 'ey-oh, 'ey! 'ey! 'ey! 'ey! 'ey! 'ey! 'ey!
A'right! A'right! 'ey! 'ey!
F1 I dunno what to do! The dogs been arrested for nickin' cars!
GB You keep out of it, ya daft cow!
HE 'EY! DON'T YOU TALK TO OUR SISTER LIKHE THAT!
GB 'ey, she's my friggin' sister - I'll speak to her 'ow I friggin' likhe!
HE NO YA FRIGGIN' WONT!
JM A'RIGHT YOU TWO! COME ON! COME ON, NOW! BREAK IT UP! Let's talk
this through. Everybody stay caaalm.
[slight pause - as GB and HE are about to start up again, F1 breaks in with...]
F1 I'M PREGNANT!
GB Awwwww!
F1 By Danny from next-door!
[GB leans over and strokes F1's not-very-inconspicuous bulge]
GB 'ey - a little baby!
JM Aw, bless it!
GB He-he-he-he! 'ey, I can feel 'im kickhin'! He's gonna play for Everton!
B1 "Oh no I friggin' WONT'!"
[slight pause as GB is taken aback by the baby's retort...]
GB Oh, yeah? Oh, yeah? An' what d'YOU know about it, eh
B1 "More dan YOU do, DICKH-HEAD!"
[all three leap up and start shouting at each other, leaving F1 sobbing...]
The Welsh support two teams when it comes to rugby. Wales of course, and anyone else playing England
If there's artificial intelligence, there's bound to be some artificial stupidity.
Jeremy Clarkson "806 brake horsepower..and that on that limp wrist faerie liquid the Americans call petrol, if you run it on the more explosive jungle juice we have in Europe you'd be getting 850 brake horsepower..."
Lady, people aren't chocolates. Do you know what they are mostly? Bastards. Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling. But I don't find them half as annoying as I find naive, bubble-headed optimists who walk around vomiting sunshine. -- Dr. Perry Cox
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