Cueballs and cherries

[LvR]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did?
The guy says, No what?
He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole! Says the bartender.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, replied the patron. He eats everything in sight. I will pay for the cue ball and stuff. He finishes his drink, pays his bill and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him.
He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino
cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. Did you see what your monkey did now? He aks.
Now what? Responds the patron.
Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it! says the barkeeper.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, replied the patron. He still eats
everything in sight, but ever since he ate that blasted cue ball he measures everything first!

[ALBPM]

A Bet

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make
you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.

Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The
gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.

After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed
his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.

"I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try".
>
A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blond woman timidly spoke up.

"I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the
beer bottle".

[Agent31]

Two peanuts walk into a bar
One was a salted
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A jump-lead walks into a bar.
The barman says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."
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Dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."
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A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts.
A woman comes up to him and says 'What are you supposed to be?'
The man says "A premature ejaculation". "What?" says the woman. The man says, "I've just come in my pants."
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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to
Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies,
"Yes, I'm positive..."
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Answer phone message ".... If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
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I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.
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A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

[Fat Tone]

Nice collection Agent31. I think most of those are from Tommy Cooper, or based on his. There are some more of his on here somewhere.

[Strahd]

Senior Personal Ads
-----------------------------------------------
FOXY LADY: Sexy, fashion-conscious blue-haired beauty, 80's,
slim,5'-4" (used to be 5-6), searching for sharp-looking,
sharp-dressing companion. Matching white shoes and belt a plus.


LONG-TERM COMMITMENT: Recent widow who has just buried fourth
husband looking for someone to round out a six- unit plot.
Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.


SERENITY NOW: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the
ocean, yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's
get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.


WINNING SMILE: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a
dedicated flossier to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and
caramel candy.


BEATLES OR STONES? I still like to rock, still like to cruise in
my Camaro on Saturday nights and still like to play the air
guitar. If you were a groovy chick, or are now a groovy hen,
let's get together and listen to my boss collection of
eight-track tapes.


MEMORIES: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you
can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads
together.


MINT CONDITION: Male, 1932, high mileage, good condition, some
hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't
in running condition, but walks well.