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**Guru** · 13 October 2002, 11:09

CHECK-OUT
A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, looked her up and down, and smiling said, "Nice boobs."

FIRST THE GOOD NEWS
A doctor says to his patient, "I've got good news and bad news. Which do you want first?" The nervous patient replies, "I'd like to hear the good news first." The doctor smiles and says, "The good news is that we are going to name a disease after you!"

MATING GAME
Q: What do you get when you mate an elephant with a poodle?
A: A dead poodle.

TWO-STORY HOUSE
A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce." "Because," the man says, "I live in a two-story house." The judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?" The man answers, "Well, one story is 'I have a headache' and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'"

CALF TIME
A farmer was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 10-year-old son standing at the barn door with wide-eyes, soaking in the whole event in complete awe. The farmer thought to himself, "Great, he's 10 now—it's about time I started explaining the birds and bees to him. But no need to jump the gun by getting too complicated. I'll just let him ask the questions and then I'll answer." The farmer continued helping the calf out of the birth canal and then toweled him down. When everything was over, the farmer walked over to his young son. "Well, son," said the farmer, "do you have any questions?" "Just one question, Dad," gasped the still wide-eyed lad. "How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

BIG DIFFERENCE
Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a 'g-spot'?
A: Men will spend 30 minutes looking for a golf ball.

WHICH GENDER
Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy." The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?" "Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy." They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl." "O.K.," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?" "Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl." They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing? "What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern. The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing, "I'm going to have a puppy!"

DID YOU HEAR
Did you hear about the dyslexic guy who walked into a bra?

FRENCH RESEMBLANCE
The French baron, while riding his horse through the village, saw a peasant who looked just like himself. With a haughty smile on his face, he asked the peasant, "Did your mother serve in my father's castle?" The peasant replied, "No sir, but my father did."

ALL ABOARD
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you bastards who are getting on, get your asses in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all your belongings with you. We thank you for traveling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one." She then hears the boy continue, "For those o f you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." Just as the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

CAR CRASH
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash? He's all right now.

SHOOTING THE BREEZE
Two guys are shooting the breeze. One asks, "How many wives have you had?" The other thinks for a moment and replies, "Only one—of my own."

ALMOST
A married man goes to confessional and tells the priest, "I had an affair with a woman—almost." The priest says, "What do you mean, almost?" The man says, "Well, we got undressed down to our underwear and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now say five hail Marys and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and starts to leave. The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over and says, "I saw that! You didn't put any money in the poor box!" The man replied, "Well, Father, I rubbed up against it, and you said it was the same as putting it in!"

CLEVER MERGER
Did you hear about the Trojan and Pillsbury merger? They want to create a self-rising condom.

DOUBLE DUTY
The town founder had passed away and the whole town turned out, as did his family who arrived from all over the globe. This threw the mortuary into an uproar. They had some employees doing two or three jobs and others switching jobs to get everything done. After the chapel services, all the members of the funeral party piled into the different cars for the drive to the cemetery. The procession was very long, and one group of family members, not knowing their way, decided to ask the driver how much further it would be. The patriarch tapped the driver on the shoulder, and said, "Pardon me." The driver let out a scream and turned with a grimace of horror to see who had tapped him. In doing so, he drove the car into the ditch and through a farmer's fence, almost overturning it. After calming everyone down, the driver somberly explained, "I'm so sorry for what happened, but you see, I usually drive the hearse."

CUSTOMER SERVICE
Harry noticed he was running low on condoms, so he stopped by the local drugstore. "What size?" asked the blonde pharmacist's assistant, sweetly. When he admitted he wasn't sure of his size, the blonde led him into the back room, lifted her skirt and instructed him to place his manhood inside her. Harry was shocked, but was delighted to oblige. "Size six," she told him after a moment. "Now take it out. How many would you like?" Harry bought a dozen, and on his way home, he ran into his friend Tom. Harry eagerly told Tom the whole story. Tom rushed down to the drugstore. "But I'm afraid I don't know my size," he told the salesgirl. So the blonde led him in to the back room and repeated the procedure. "Size seven, sir, now take it out, please. How many would you like?" "None, thanks," he told her, zipping up his fly. "I just came in for a fitting."

**KvHagedorn** · 13 October 2002, 13:30

Rule #12:
Tickets to a Dallas Cowboys, Texas Rangers, Central Texas Stampede games are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Weird that a guy from Finland posts something obviously written local to me. Unfortunately, the Central Texas Stampede have been defunct for awhile. (local minor league professional hockey)

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