Jokes time!

[Guru]

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh.

As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.

"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came here in the first place."



One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door.

"Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is."

"Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied.

"Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla was about to deck our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. She pulled him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments. Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside.

"OK," the husband said gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits."

At this the wife unbuttoned her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand, and proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This went on for several minutes, until the husband got annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growled.

"I can't," replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away.

"Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now.

"I don't have ten thousand dollars."



White House staffers were perplexed one morning to see Bill Clinton walk into the Oval Office with a pair of woman's panties pinned to his arm. Somewhat used to the president's tendencies, they let it go and went about their daily tasks.

As the day wore on, several VIPs were ushered in and out of the Oval Office for meetings with Clinton about important affairs of the state. Each one left with a puzzled expression on his face, but no one dared ask the President's personal business.

Finally, Betty Currie, Clinton's loyal secretary walked into the office between appointments and gently closed the door behind her. "Mr. President," she said.

"We've come to expect many unusual things from you but we're all quite concerned that you seem to be wearing a pair of woman's panties on your arm. Please tell me this doesn't mean more 'trouble'."

"Oh no," the President grinned, "it's the patch. I'm trying to quit."




Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over $1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft was to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study was incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of $2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Canada decided to conduct their own study. The Canucks didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three weeks of intensive research and a cost of right around $75.00, the Canadian study was complete.

They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead!



This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"



Three college students were in England and were told they had to go to a great old pub called "The Cock Inn". They went off in three different directions and planned to meet back at 3:00.
Two of the guys arrived back on time but there was no sign of Harris. At 4:00 he came back with the clothes ripped off him and blood pouring from his head.

The guys asked what had happened, Harris replied, "I was walking down the road and I saw a man and woman behind a bush and I asked them, "How far is The Cock Inn?"



A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Schwartz had the largest penis he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge penis like this. It has to be saved for posterity."

And, with that, he used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.

The mortician stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.

"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"



A frustrated wife got some Viagra for her husband. Her doctor told her to give him one pill a night, and that he would call to check in with her after a week.
That night, the wife popped one pill in her husband's food and got a good rogering.

The next night she gave him two pills. The sex was even greater than the night before.

The following night she decided to give him the whole bottle. The sex was unimaginable.

A week later, the doctor called to check on the patient. The couple's son answered the phone and sounded shaky. The doctor asked to speak to his mother. The son replied that his mother was in the hospital, the maid was pregnant, his butt was hurting, and his dad was standing naked in the front yard, yelling, "Here kitty, kitty...."


A man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.
The guy doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lie down and wallow in the grass.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed.

The next morning he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

[Guru]

It was mailman George's last day on the job after 35 years of delivering the mail through all kinds of weather. When he arrived at the first house on his route, the whole family came out, roundly congratulated him, and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the next house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he'd had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this is just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that I wanted to do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.'"

"Breakfast was my idea."




Doctor Dave slept with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:
"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go..."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality:

"Dave, you're a vet..."



There was once a pair of high school sweethearts. When they graduated, they wanted to go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend any time they could together.
As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him she wanted to date around. He didn't want to do this and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

So, what she did is this: she took a Polaroid picture of her giving her new boyfriend a blow job and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, ''I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone.''

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, was pissed. So...he wrote on the back of the photo: ''Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!'' and mailed the picture to her parents.



A young man wished to purchase a present for his sweetheart. After careful consideration, he decided on a pair or gloves, accompanied by his sweetheart's sister. He went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. A sister bought a pair of panties for herself. During the gift wrapping, the presents got mixed up. The sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man mailed the package to his sweetheart with this note:

"This is a little gift to show you that I have not forgotten your birthday. I chose this because I noticed that you are in a habit of not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for you sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears the short one that are very easy to remove. These are the delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me a pair she had been wearing for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had another sales girl try them on and she really looked good in them. I wish I could put them on you for them first time. No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you in them. When you take them off, blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you will like them and wear them for me on Friday night.

All My Love.

P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss what's inside them during this coming year. Also, the latest style is to wear them folded down with the fur showing."



A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, ''You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.''
So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, ''I have some special sandals I think you'd be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great desert camel.''

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex hero he was. The husband asked the man, ''How could sandals make you into a sex freak?''

The Pakistani man replied, ''Why don't you try them on and see for yourself?''

After much badgering from his wife, the husband finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn't seen in many years, her husband was full of raw sexual power.

In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy's pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming, ''YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET! YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!''



Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'...and she's always sound asleep!"




An eighty-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, "I'm in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman."
"What's wrong with that?" asks the young man.

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, "You don't understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex. And then at suppertime, and all night long, we make love."

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him.

"I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect relationship. Why are you crying?"

The old man answers, again through his tears, "I forgot where I live."




A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the businessman was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The businessman got in the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The businessman said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.




This guy walks into a bar and goes up to a man sitting at the bar.
He says, ''I just F'ed your mother and I did it in your bed and I F'ed her doggie style and I even made her give me a blowjob. What do you think about that?''
The other guy says, ''Shut up Dad, you're drunk again."

[Guru]

A young Bulgarian peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After two months, she gave the boss two-weeks notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hardworking and doing a good job.
He called her into his office, and asked her why she was leaving.

"Oh, it is nothink, I just want to kvit that's all," she said sullenly.

"Look, I'll give you a raise," he offered.

"No, but thank you," she said.

"You can't just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me."

"Okay if you must know," said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, "Look! I haven't had this before, it's the broom's bristles, I tell you!"
Tickled by her innocence, the boss also took off his underwear and showed his, explaining, "My dear, it's nature. Look I have it too...."

"Oh no!" the girl cried, "I can't wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you've grown the handle as well!"




This guy dies and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and lays them out on the table and starts talking to them.
"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

Then she whispers, "You know that blowjob I promised you? Well, here it comes..."



One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road."

When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched.";

Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story.

Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch."

Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands."

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story.

"Well," Johnny replied, "Don't f*ck with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."



Little Red Riding Hood was packing her things. Her mother asked, "Where are you going, Lil' Red?"
Red said, "To grandma's."

Her mother said, "Okay, but watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off."

Lil' Red replied, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."

So about a mile down the road, Lil' Red met the Three Little Pigs. They asked where she was going and she said, "Grandma's house."

The Pigs warned, "Watch out for the Big Bad Wolf. He'll pull up your little red dress, pull down your little red panties and freak your little red socks off!"

She told them, "Don't worry, I've got a gun."

About two more miles down the road, the Big Bad Wolf leapt out of the forest and grabbed Lil' Red. He shouted "Ha! I finally caught you!"

And she cried, "Don't tell me you're gonna pull up my little red dress, pull down my little red panties and freak my little red socks off."

"Yes I am," said the Wolf, drooling.

"No, you ain't," said Little Red.

"What do you mean," said the Wolf, taken aback.

Lil' Red pulled up her little red dress, pulled down her little red panties, pulled out her big silver gun and said, "Nope, you're gonna eat me like it says in the book."



In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who don't take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already. If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get the S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR OF INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.). If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).
Sincerely, BOSS IN GENERAL SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)
P.S. I suggest that the IMG form an adjunct Human Engineering and Development Staff (S.H.I.T.H.E.A.D.S.) to guarantee universal implementation of this S.H.I.T. program. Any Volunteers?

[Pace]

Bored Guru?

Or worried that Zokes et al might overtake your postcount?

P.

[Guru]

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city. They decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie, with their ten-year-old son around, was to get him to report on neighborhood activities from the balcony. They thought that spying would happily distract him for an hour or so.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. Then, "An ambulance just drove by."

A few more moments passed and he called, "Looks like the Andersons have company." And then, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are screwing."

Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.



A male whale and his mate were swimming around in the ocean, when all of a sudden, the male whale catches sight of a whaling vessel in the distance.

He takes a closer look, and recognizes it as the ship that harpooned his parents many years ago. So, he turns to his girlfriend and tells her that he wants to avenge the death of his parents. She hesitates, knowing that they could become the next victims of the vessel, but he reassures her and tells her that he has been planning this all of his life, and he swims over and whispers the plan to her.

So, she agrees and they swim up under one side of the boat, and they both start blowing air through their blow holes. The boat starts to rock back-and-forth, and the sailors on the ship are scrambling all over the deck.

Finally, the boat tips over, and the sailors are scattered through the ocean.

The male whale is delighted and starts to gobble-up the sailors, but the female whale starts to swim away.

So, the male whale swims over to her, and asks her, “What's wrong.”

She huffs and puffs and says, "I agreed to the blow job, but there is no way I'm going to swallow seamen."




This guy goes into a tattoo shop and requests to have a $100 dollar bill tattooed on his dick.
"Why do you want that permanently on your penis?" asks the tattoo artist.

"Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and this way my wife can blow a hundred bucks without leaving the house."



Marol spent her wedding night in her family home. As was the tradition for many years in her Italian family, the bride's mother would be in the room next door just in case she needed the answer to any nervous questions.

Mama's last word of advice before Marol went in to the bridal chamber to consumate her marriage was " Marol, you have-a any a problem you come and-a see Mama"

So later when Marol unbuttoned her new husband's shirt, she turned pale, jumped up, ran next door and said "Mama, Mama he has hair all over his chest!" Mama reassuringly tells Marol, "Men have-a hair on their chest. This is a sign of a good-a man, go now and-a make him happy."

When Marol's husband started to unbutton her shirt, she went pale again,jumped up, ran next door and said "Mama, Mama he is trying to undress me!" Mama reassuringly tells Marol, "He must-a undress you if he-a gonna make a real woman outta you. He is a good-a man Marol, go now and-a make him a happy.

All went well until her husband took off his shoes. He was wearing a prosthectic foot, as he was missing half of his right foot because of a childhood accident. Marol, pale once again jumped up and ran to the door, shouting, "Mama, Mama! He has a foot and a half!"

Her Mama got up and announced, " Stand a-back Marol this is a job for Mama!"




There was a father and son who went on a fishing trip and they were out on the lake when the dad pulls out a beer
"Can I have one, Dad?"

"Can your dick touch your ****ole?"

"No."

"Then you can't have one." So then the dad takes out a cigarette.

"Dad, can I smoke one, too?"

"Can your dick touch your ****ole?"

"No."

"Then you can't have one." The father and son soon finish up fishing and head on home. On the way back, the dad buys two lottery tickets, one for his son and one for him. The dad wins two dollars and the son wins 5 million! The dad is surprised and a bit jealous.

"You're gonna share that with me, aren't you, son?"

"Can your dick touch your ****ole?"

"Yes."

"Then go fvck yourself."




A man named George was new in the city and needed a job so he saw an ad for a salesman. He responded to the ad and the guy gave him 20 toothbrushes to sell. George went to sell them and came back later on in the day and was asked how he did.
''I sold 4 toothbrushes,'' he said.

''Well come back tomorrow,'' said the guy, ''and we'll see if you can sell more.''

George returned the next day and went to sell his 20 toothbrushes. He came back later in the day. ''How many did you sell?'' asked the guy.

''I sold 5 toothbrushes,'' answered George.

''Maybe you are not cut out for this line of work,'' said the guy.

''Give me one more chance,'' said George, '' and I will sell the toothbrushes.''

He came in the next day and said, ''I want 1000 toothbrushes.''

''1000?'' asked the guy, looking surprised. So he loaded 1000 toothbrushes on the back of George's truck and George took off and came back later on.

The guy asked, ''How many did you sell?''

''954,'' said George.

''954?'' asked the guy, ''How did you sell so many?''

''Well I went to the airport where there were a lot of people, set up a table there and set down lots of chocolates and said, 'get your free chocolates here,' and the people came up and tried them and said, 'yuck, this tastes like shit.' and I said, 'it is shit, do you want to buy a toothbrush?'''




A very respected Captain in the foreign legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men's barracks.
He asked the sergeant leading the tour, "Why is a camel tied to the barracks?"

The sergeant replied, "Well sir, it's a long way from any where, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do... uh... we have the camel."

The Captain said, "Well, I suppose if it's good for morale, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn't control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his sergeant, "BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!"

The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and led the camel into the Captain's quarters.

Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride. "So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?" he asked.

The Sergeant replied, "Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town."




A group of men go up into the mountains to go bear hunting. The first morning out, the one man named Bill, goes out on his own. He comes to a clearing on a hill overlooking a field and sees a bear slowly strolling across the field. He gets the bear in his sites and fires. He then looks all around. But he can't find the bear.
All of a sudden, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around, and there's the bear. The bear knocks the gun out of his hands, and Bill stands there shaking in his boots.

The bear yells at him, saying he's sick and tired of being shot at and gives Bill an ultimadum. The bear tells him, that he can either drop to his knees and blow him, or the bear will eat his face.

Bill immediately drops to his knees and obliges the bear. The bear walks away contented and Bill find his way back to the cabin.

The next morning. Bill takes an even bigger gun with him, and goes to the same place he saw the bear before. And sure enough, there was the bear strolling across the field again. Bill gets all excited, as he gets the bear in his sites and he shoots! He looks all around, no bear. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder again. He turns around, and, surprise, there's the bear. The bear looks at him, knocks the gun out of his hand, and says,''You know the routine.''

Bill drops to his knees and obliges the bear again. When he's done, the bear walks away smoking a cigarette and Bill stumbles back to his cabin.

The following day Bill is all pissed off now. He grabs the biggest gun he can find and heads to the same spot again. And sure enough, there is the bear strolling across the field again. He gets the bear in his sites, and says to himself, ''Now this bear's gonna ****in' get it!'' He pulls the trigger and, "Ka-BOOM!" He looks all over again, but no bear. Then, just as before, he feels the same tap at his shoulder. He turns around, there's the bear standing there with a big smirk on his face. He looks down at Bill and says, ''You're not in this for the hunting are you?'''




In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two statues faced each other for many years.
Early one morning, an angel appeared before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I herby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do whatever you desire."

And with that command, the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues, "You still have 15 minutes. Would you like to continue?"

The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?"

Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure; but this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on its head."

[Guru]

Originally posted by DGhost
so much humor... head... exploding...

Stole them from another forum! Have been laughing my ass of while reading them!

[knirfie]

it's taking me more time to read them then it's taking gury to post them, they are great though (Y) well done guru (Y)

[knirfie]

Originally posted by Pace
Bored Guru?

Or worried that Zokes et al might overtake your postcount?

P.

if he was worried about that he'd post them seperatly, and be up by a 100 posts or so, or he hadn't thought of this yet

[DGhost]

he wouldn't be the only one trying to increase their post count... i wouldn't normally post something like this

[Guru]

A big city lawyer was in Louisiana duck hunting, in his boat in the swamp with his rifle etc. So he sneaks up on a bunch of ducks, ducks see him, scatter, he fires, and he hits one. It lands over in someone's yard. He goes over to get the duck but he is stopped by an old man. The old man inquires as to what the hell he thinks he's doing. The lawyer informs him that he is duck hunting and that he shot a duck and is heading over there to retrieve it. The old man says that this is his property and there is no way that he is going to allow him to go fetch it. The lawyers says, "I'm one of the best trial attorneys in the US, if you don't allow me to go over there and fetch my duck I'm going to sue you for everything you own."
The old man says, "Well you must not know how things work down here in Louisiana, we settle little disputes like this using the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."
"The Louisiana Three Kick Rule, what's the Louisiana Three Kick Rule??"
"Well, the Louisiana Three Kick Rule works like this, first I kick you three times, then you kick me three times and this continues until one of us gives up."
The lawyer looks the old man up and down and says, "Ok, old geezer, I take you up on tha..."
The lawyer's sentance is interrupted by the old mans foot in his groin. The lawyer falls to his knees clutching his privates. The old mans next kick hits the lawyer's face, almost tearing his nose off. The lawyer winds up on his back. The old man's final kick lands in his kidney, with enough force to flip the lawyer onto his stomach.
The lawyer's down for the count, he stays that way for maybe 2 or 3 minutes, then summoning every ounce of power in his black heart he forces his battered body to its feet. And says with an evil glint in his eye, "Ok, old man, now it's my turn!"
"Naw, I give up, you can have your duck."



A man left work on Friday afternoon, but instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.
When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade of his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and said to him. "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"
To which he replied, "That would be fine with me."
Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.




INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

"Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecards from the event:

__________________________________________________ _

CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the **** is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________ __
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

_________________________________________________

CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.

__________________________________________________

CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_________________________________________________

CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off?

It really pissed me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

__________________________________________________

CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

__________________________________________________

CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a ****ing thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my ****in shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.





Aliens encounter earthling

Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station. After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded "Earthling! Take me to your leader!" The gas pump, of course, did not reply. The alien became agitated and again demanded "Take me to your leader!" The gas pump remained silent.

Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain:

"Report."

"I contacted an earthling - he would not cooperate."

"Hmmm. I will deal with this earthling myself."

"Yes sir. Be careful sir, I have a feeling there could be trouble."

The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump.

"Earthling, you will cooperate. Take me to your leader."

The gas pump remained unresponsive.

"Very well." The captain drew his blaster.

"If you do not respond by the count of three, I shall be forced to fire on you. ..... One. Two. Three!"

ZZZZZT!

WHAM! The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien ****ole over tea kettle. The captain jumped up and got back to the ship as fast as his whatevers would propel him.

"Quickly! Make ready to depart!"

"Yes sir. What happened sir?"

"I fired on the earthling and it responded very forcefully."

"Sorry sir, I was afraid that might happen."

"How did you know that there would be trouble?"

"Well sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his dick, wrap it around his feet and stick it in his left ear is probably going to be one mean Mother ****er."

[Guru]

Bad ones!

A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?"
Her mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning."
So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.
The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again."
So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see."
To which the mother replied, "April fool!"




A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide.
One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.
"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..."
"But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?"
"Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish"
A few hours later, "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex."
"I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish..."
The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex."
"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea; and you know how I love to fish..."
Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that."
"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."



Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.
Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."
The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?"
Bob says, "OK."
Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?"
Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."
Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.
The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."
Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"
The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.




In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.



A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed. They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure; she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.
Our uninformed male thought this was incredible - best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure.
He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room. A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, "I think her orgasm's stuck!"



Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentioned that during the war he was captured and held for weeks without food.
The other guy asked, "How could you survive without food?"
"It wasn't easy," he said. "But I had a big meal before I was captured and learned to eat my own shit."
"WHAT? That's disgusting!" said the first guy. "I don't believe you!"
Without a second thought the vet reached into his pants, shit in his hand and promptly ate it on the spot.
The second guy said, "My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!"
"Sounds good to me," said the vet "I can use the money."
The next day the guy had set up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving high rollers. "This I gotta see," said one of the gamblers.
"It ain't gonna happen," said the other. "No one can eat their own shit."
"Lets do it," said the vet's buddy as he set down a plate full of shit in front of the vet. The vet looks down ready to dig in, when all of a sudden he bolts from the table and projectile pukes a streak across the room right on the two gamblers.
In a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of both the vet and his buddy, they take their winnings and leave.
"We lost it all!" said the buddy. "Why in the hell didn't you eat the shit?"
"There was a hair in it!" said the vet.




A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck."



Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.
The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.
The women says, "Sure, if you **** me."
The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."
The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "**** me then!"
The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, ****s her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.
The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the man and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.
The friend replies, "**** the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."




A guy stops to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. His friend says, "My feet are cold. Would you get me my sneakers for me?"
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his friend's two gorgeous daughters.
He says, "Hi, girls. Your dad sent me up here to **** you."
The first daughter says, "That's not true."
He says, "I'll prove it."
He yells down the stairs, "Both of them?"
His friend yells back, "Of course, both of them."