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When I was a kid adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up;
what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both
ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on
their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A
average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile
mill here they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family
from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up
there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on
kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But.... Now
that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so ****in' easy! I
mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! And I
hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I
mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet--we wanted to know
something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves! And
there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen!--
and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the
****in' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! And there
were no MP3s or Napsters!
You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and
shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio
and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and **** it all up! You want to
hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe
some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was
either that or jack off to the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalogue!
Those were your options! We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If
you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had
no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent,
your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take
your chances, mister! And we didn't have any fancy Sony Play station
videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!
With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass!
Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there
were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And
you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until
you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theatre there no
such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy
sat in front of you, you were ****ed! And sure, we had cable television,
but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday morning...
...D'ya hear what the **** I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you
spoiled little bastards! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys
wouldn't last five minutes back in 1987!
diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up;
what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning uphill both
ways through year 'round blizzards carrying their younger siblings on
their backs to their one-room schoolhouse where they maintained a straight-A
average despite their full-time after-school job at the local textile
mill here they worked for 35 cents an hour just to help keep their family
from starving to death! And I remember promising myself that when I grew up
there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on
kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it! But.... Now
that I've reached the ripe old age of twenty-nine, I can't help but look
around and notice the youth of today. You've got it so ****in' easy! I
mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a goddamned Utopia! And I
hate to say it but you kids today you don't know how good you've got it! I
mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet--we wanted to know
something, we had to go to the library and look it up ourselves! And
there was no email! We had to actually write somebody a letter with a pen!--
and then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the
****in' mailbox and it would take like a week to get there! And there
were no MP3s or Napsters!
You wanted to steal music, you had to go to the record store and
shoplift it yourself! Or we had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio
and the DJ'd usually talk over the beginning and **** it all up! You want to
hear about hardship? You couldn't just download porn! You had to bribe
some homeless dude to buy you a copy of "Hustler" at the 7-11! It was
either that or jack off to the lingerie section of the JC Penney catalogue!
Those were your options! We didn't have fancy shit like Call Waiting! If
you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID Boxes either! When the phone rang, you had
no idea who it was it could be your boss, your mom, a collections agent,
your drug dealer, you didn't know!!! You just had to pick it up and take
your chances, mister! And we didn't have any fancy Sony Play station
videogames with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600!
With games like "Space Invaders" and "Asteroids" and the graphics sucked ass!
Your guy was a little square! You had to use your imagination! And there
were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen forever! And
you could never win, the game just kept getting harder and faster until
you died! Just like LIFE! When you went to the movie theatre there no
such thing as stadium seating! All the seats were the same height! A tall guy
sat in front of you, you were ****ed! And sure, we had cable television,
but back then that was only like 20 channels and there was no onscreen menu!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on!
And there was no Cartoon Network! You could only get cartoons on
Saturday morning...
...D'ya hear what the **** I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK, you
spoiled little bastards! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids
today have got it too easy You're spoiled, I swear to God! You guys
wouldn't last five minutes back in 1987!
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