Tweet
How the world works!
In a crazy world!
Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any
weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden.
Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right
before the 2004 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass
destruction?
A: To use them in a war.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that
they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use
any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know
they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the
thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to
die if they had all those big weapons with which they
could have fought back?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make
sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had
any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not
they had those weapons. We had another good reason to
invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass
destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator,
which is another good reason to invade another
country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK
to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good
economic competitor, where millions of people work for
slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations
richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for
American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if
that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the
government. People who criticized the government in
Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the
government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor.
Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our
government passed some laws that made it illegal for
Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until
they stopped being Communists and started being
capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade
with Cuba, and started doing business with them,
wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of
religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China.
Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a
military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader
anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the
government of a country by force, instead of holding
free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a
military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he
did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is
illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to
power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate
government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our
friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of
them Saudi Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew
three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000
Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under
the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who
chopped off people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did
they chop off people's heads and hands, but they
oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43
million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did
such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping
people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium
poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads
cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and
hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if
they cut people's heads and hands off for other
reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic
fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing
flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands
for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in
Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a
tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced
them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with
death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not
comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public,
too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic
body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi
women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers
all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.
The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of
patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's
body except for her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different
name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi
Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on
September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a
bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel
the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist
Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke
up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections
and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our
friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends
for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but
then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq,
so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French
and the Germans because they didn't help us invade
Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had
to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom
Fries and Freedom Toast. (!!!)
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country
doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we
invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the
1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran,
which made him our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the
time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his
friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies
automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is
automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American
corporations can profit by selling weapons to both
sides at the same time, all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means
war is good for America. Also, since God is on
America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless
Un American Communist. Do you understand now why we
attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us
to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W.
Bush and tells him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we
attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in
his head?
A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works.
Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go
to sleep. Good night.
Q: Good night, Daddy
Q: Daddy, why did we have to attack Iraq?
A: Because they had weapons of mass destruction.
Q: But the inspectors didn't find any weapons of mass destruction.
A: That's because the Iraqis were hiding them.
Q: And that's why we invaded Iraq?
A: Yep. Invasions always work better than inspections.
Q: But after we invaded them, we STILL didn't find any
weapons of mass destruction, did we?
A: That's because the weapons are so well hidden.
Don't worry, we'll find something, probably right
before the 2004 election.
Q: Why did Iraq want all those weapons of mass
destruction?
A: To use them in a war.
Q: I'm confused. If they had all those weapons that
they planned to use in a war, then why didn't they use
any of those weapons when we went to war with them?
A: Well, obviously they didn't want anyone to know
they had those weapons, so they chose to die by the
thousands rather than defend themselves.
Q: That doesn't make sense. Why would they choose to
die if they had all those big weapons with which they
could have fought back?
A: It's a different culture. It's not supposed to make
sense.
Q: I don't know about you, but I don't think they had
any of those weapons our government said they did.
A: Well, you know, it doesn't matter whether or not
they had those weapons. We had another good reason to
invade them anyway.
Q: And what was that?
A: Even if Iraq didn't have weapons of mass
destruction, Saddam Hussein was a cruel dictator,
which is another good reason to invade another
country.
Q: Why? What does a cruel dictator do that makes it OK
to invade his country?
A: Well, for one thing, he tortured his own people.
Q: Kind of like what they do in China?
A: Don't go comparing China to Iraq. China is a good
economic competitor, where millions of people work for
slave wages in sweatshops to make U.S. corporations
richer.
Q: So if a country lets its people be exploited for
American corporate gain, it's a good country, even if
that country tortures people?
A: Right.
Q: Why were people in Iraq being tortured?
A: For political crimes, mostly, like criticizing the
government. People who criticized the government in
Iraq were sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Isn't that exactly what happens in China?
A: I told you, China is different.
Q: What's the difference between China and Iraq?
A: Well, for one thing, China is Communist.
Q: Didn't you once tell me Communists were bad?
A: No, just Cuban Communists are bad.
Q: How are the Cuban Communists bad?
A: Well, for one thing, people who criticize the
government in Cuba are sent to prison and tortured.
Q: Like in Iraq?
A: Exactly.
Q: And like in China, too?
A: I told you, China's a good economic competitor.
Cuba, on the other hand, is not.
Q: How come Cuba isn't a good economic competitor?
A: Well, you see, back in the early 1960s, our
government passed some laws that made it illegal for
Americans to trade or do any business with Cuba until
they stopped being Communists and started being
capitalists like us.
Q: But if we got rid of those laws, opened up trade
with Cuba, and started doing business with them,
wouldn't that help the Cubans become capitalists?
A: Don't be a smart-ass.
Q: I didn't think I was being one.
A: Well, anyway, they also don't have freedom of
religion in Cuba.
Q: Kind of like China and the Falun Gong movement?
A: I told you, stop saying bad things about China.
Anyway, Saddam Hussein came to power through a
military coup, so he's not really a legitimate leader
anyway.
Q: What's a military coup?
A: That's when a military general takes over the
government of a country by force, instead of holding
free elections like we do in the United States.
Q: Didn't the ruler of Pakistan come to power by a
military coup?
A: You mean General Pervez Musharraf? Uh, yeah, he
did, but Pakistan is our friend.
Q: Why is Pakistan our friend if their leader is
illegitimate?
A: I never said Pervez Musharraf was illegitimate.
Q: Didn't you just say a military general who comes to
power by forcibly overthrowing the legitimate
government of a nation is an illegitimate leader?
A: Only Saddam Hussein. Pervez Musharraf is our
friend, because he helped us invade Afghanistan.
Q: Why did we invade Afghanistan?
A: Because of what they did to us on September 11th.
Q: What did Afghanistan do to us on September 11th?
A: Well, on September 11th, nineteen men - fifteen of
them Saudi Arabians - hijacked four airplanes and flew
three of them into buildings, killing over 3,000
Americans.
Q: So how did Afghanistan figure into all that?
A: Afghanistan was where those bad men trained, under
the oppressive rule of the Taliban.
Q: Aren't the Taliban those bad radical Islamics who
chopped off people's heads and hands?
A: Yes, that's exactly who they were. Not only did
they chop off people's heads and hands, but they
oppressed women, too.
Q: Didn't the Bush administration give the Taliban 43
million dollars back in May of 2001?
A: Yes, but that money was a reward because they did
such a good job fighting drugs.
Q: Fighting drugs?
A: Yes, the Taliban were very helpful in stopping
people from growing opium poppies.
Q: How did they do such a good job?
A: Simple. If people were caught growing opium
poppies, the Taliban would have their hands and heads
cut off.
Q: So, when the Taliban cut off people's heads and
hands for growing flowers, that was OK, but not if
they cut people's heads and hands off for other
reasons?
A: Yes. It's OK with us if radical Islamic
fundamentalists cut off people's hands for growing
flowers, but it's cruel if they cut off people's hands
for stealing bread.
Q: Don't they also cut off people's hands and heads in
Saudi Arabia?
A: That's different. Afghanistan was ruled by a
tyrannical patriarchy that oppressed women and forced
them to wear burqas whenever they were in public, with
death by stoning as the penalty for women who did not
comply.
Q: Don't Saudi women have to wear burqas in public,
too?
A: No, Saudi women merely wear a traditional Islamic
body covering.
Q: What's the difference?
A: The traditional Islamic covering worn by Saudi
women is a modest yet fashionable garment that covers
all of a woman's body except for her eyes and fingers.
The burqa, on the other hand, is an evil tool of
patriarchal oppression that covers all of a woman's
body except for her eyes and fingers.
Q: It sounds like the same thing with a different
name.
A: Now, don't go comparing Afghanistan and Saudi
Arabia. The Saudis are our friends.
Q: But I thought you said 15 of the 19 hijackers on
September 11th were from Saudi Arabia.
A: Yes, but they trained in Afghanistan.
Q: Who trained them?
A: A very bad man named Osama bin Laden.
Q: Was he from Afghanistan?
A: Uh, no, he was from Saudi Arabia too. But he was a
bad man, a very bad man.
Q: I seem to recall he was our friend once.
A: Only when we helped him and the mujahadeen repel
the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan back in the 1980s.
Q: Who are the Soviets? Was that the Evil Communist
Empire Ronald Reagan talked about?
A: There are no more Soviets. The Soviet Union broke
up in 1990 or thereabouts, and now they have elections
and capitalism like us. We call them Russians now.
Q: So the Soviets - I mean, the Russians - are now our
friends?
A: Well, not really. You see, they were our friends
for many years after they stopped being Soviets, but
then they decided not to support our invasion of Iraq,
so we're mad at them now. We're also mad at the French
and the Germans because they didn't help us invade
Iraq either.
Q: So the French and Germans are evil, too?
A: Not exactly evil, but just bad enough that we had
to rename French fries and French toast to Freedom
Fries and Freedom Toast. (!!!)
Q: Do we always rename foods whenever another country
doesn't do what we want them to do?
A: No, we just do that to our friends. Our enemies, we
invade.
Q: But wasn't Iraq one of our friends back in the
1980s?
A: Well, yeah. For a while.
Q: Was Saddam Hussein ruler of Iraq back then?
A: Yes, but at the time he was fighting against Iran,
which made him our friend, temporarily.
Q: Why did that make him our friend?
A: Because at that time, Iran was our enemy.
Q: Isn't that when he gassed the Kurds?
A: Yeah, but since he was fighting against Iran at the
time, we looked the other way, to show him we were his
friend.
Q: So anyone who fights against one of our enemies
automatically becomes our friend?
A: Most of the time, yes.
Q: And anyone who fights against one of our friends is
automatically an enemy?
A: Sometimes that's true, too. However, if American
corporations can profit by selling weapons to both
sides at the same time, all the better.
Q: Why?
A: Because war is good for the economy, which means
war is good for America. Also, since God is on
America's side, anyone who opposes war is a godless
Un American Communist. Do you understand now why we
attacked Iraq?
Q: I think so. We attacked them because God wanted us
to, right?
A: Yes.
Q: But how did we know God wanted us to attack Iraq?
A: Well, you see, God personally speaks to George W.
Bush and tells him what to do.
Q: So basically, what you're saying is that we
attacked Iraq because George W. Bush hears voices in
his head?
A: Yes! You finally understand how the world works.
Now close your eyes, make yourself comfortable, and go
to sleep. Good night.
Q: Good night, Daddy
.
And yeah, it's funny as hell! 
Comment