Tweet
17 March
A little contribution to get you in the mood for St Paddy's day
GOOD IRISH HUMOR
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint
of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz
down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted,
pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out
the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to
the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while
yelling, "Spit it out, ya little bastard! Spit it out!"
*******************************************
An Irish Fight
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?"
asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy. "That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to
you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy,
"a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*********************************************
Irish Accident
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
There was an accident down at the brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda.
Your husband is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, drying her eyes she looked up and said, "How did it happen,
Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
*********************************************
Irish Predicament
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits
there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk
mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
************************************************
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my
dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any
last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please
Mary, put down that damn gun!'"
GOOD IRISH HUMOR
An Irishman, Englishman and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint
of Guinness. Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz
down and one lands in each of the pints. The Englishman looks disgusted,
pushes his pint away and demands another pint. The Scotsman picks out
the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow. The Irishman reaches in to
the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers and shakes him while
yelling, "Spit it out, ya little bastard! Spit it out!"
*******************************************
An Irish Fight
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run
over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is
cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?"
asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says
Paddy. "That little sod, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to
you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy,
"a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have
something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's
breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
*********************************************
Irish Accident
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan
arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin'
to tell ya." "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?" "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.
There was an accident down at the brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..." "I must, Brenda.
Your husband is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, drying her eyes she looked up and said, "How did it happen,
Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and
drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go
quickly?"
"Well, no Brenda ... no. Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
*********************************************
Irish Predicament
Drunk, Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a
Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits
there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk
mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.
************************************************
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady's after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary, my
dear?"
She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away
last night."
The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, did he have any
last requests?"
She says, "That he did, Father..."
The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?" She says, "He said, 'Please
Mary, put down that damn gun!'"
Comment