New Jokes Thread

[az]

Announcement on the office PA system: "This is a tornado drill. Please move quickly away from any and all windows." From the back of the room: "Quick, get to a DOS prompt!"

AZ

PS: zc++;

[az]

What is the difference between a rooster and a lawyer ?






The rooster CLucks deFiance !

AZ

[KvHagedorn]

Originally posted by tjalfe
A dad walks into a market with his young son. The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replies. ."I work for Revenue Canada"

I read this through, knowing I had seen it before, but as I remembered it, the last line is "Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replies, "I'm a divorce attorney."

[az]

The English Language

I take it that you already know
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps.

Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard and sounds like bird;
And dead: it's said like bed and not like bead.
For goodness sake don't call it deed.
Watch out for meat and great and treat;
They rhyme with suite and straight and debt.

A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother;
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there's dose and rose and lose -
Just look them up - and goose and choose,
And cork and work and cord and ward,
And font and front and word and sword,
And do and go and thwart and cart.

Come, come, I've hardly made a start!
A dreadful language? Man alive!
I'd mastered it when I was five!

AZ

[lecter]

A guy goes with his girlfriend to a bar...once there, she raves about this wonderful new cocktail which he just MUST try. After a lot of pestering, the guy finally agrees. So they go to the bar, the girl whispers something in the bartender's ear and he promptly puts a salt shaker, a shot of Kahlua and some lime juice on the counter. The boyfriend thinks this is pretty weird and he asks how he should drink it. "Well, you have to put some salt on ur hand, lick it, chase it down with the shot of Kahlua and then the lime juice...it will be GREAT!" sez the girl. So the guy licks the salt...salty, but OK. Then he drinks the shot of Kahlua...hmm, creamy and nice. Then he drinks the lime juice-in 1 second, the milk in the Kahlua curdles and in turn acts upon the salt, giving him a horrible taste all the way to the back of his throat. As he's gagging and choking, the girl smiles: "You never asked me the name of this cocktail: it's called Blowjob's Revenge"



P.S. It's written from memory, it might be Bailey's and not Kahlua that is supposed to have that effect.

[Guru]

In an airplane the captain told the passengers:
"This is your Captain speaking. We are loosing
height and we do not have fuel enough for reaching
land. Therefore, we have to throw all baggage out
of the airplane."

The airplane got height again. Half an hour later
the airplane lost height again and the captain
was in the loudspeakers once more:

"This is your captain speaking. We are still
loosing height, and we can not reach land without
having some passengers thrown out the plane. It
is a bad situation but we will do this in an honest
and democratic way

- we will use the alphabet - starting with the letter A.

"Are there any African passengers?" No one answered.
"Are there any Black passengers?" Still no one answered.
"Are there any Coloured passengers?"

Still no one answered but back in the airplane a little
boy asked his father:

"Dad, you have always told me to be honest. We are
both from Africa and have black coloured skin."
"Yes, my son. That is right. But today we are Niggers"

[Guru]

George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House
dinner. One of the important guests walks over to
them and asks what they are talking about.

"We are making up the plans for WW III", says Bush.
"Wow", says the guest. "And what are the plans?"
"We are gonna kill 14 million Muslims and one
dentist", answers Bush.

The guest looks a bit confused. "One...dentist?",
he asks. "Why? Why will you kill one dentist?"
Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says: "What did
I tell you? Nobody is gonna ask about the Muslims."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------


A new young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to help the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the abbot to question this, pointing out that
if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never
be picked up. In fact, that error would be continued in all of the
subsequent copies. The Abbot says, "We have been copying from the
copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son".

So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where
the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn't been
opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old
abbot. Eventually the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to
look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall. His
forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?" In a
choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word is celebrate, not
celibate!"


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Words Women Use

The following are definitions for words women use when replying to their
man...

"FINE"
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are
right
and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks -
this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

"FIVE MINUTES"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your
football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an
even trade.

"NOTHING"
This means "something", and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is
usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you
inside out, upside down, and backwards. 'Nothing" usually signifies an
oncoming argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with 'Fine'.

"GO AHEAD" (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over
"Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

"GO AHEAD" (Normal Eyebrows)

This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You
Will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by
"Nothing" and "Fine" and then she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes"
when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often
misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at
that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing."

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement."Soft Sighs" mean that she
Is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay
content.

"THAT'S OKAY"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a
man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before
paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is
often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a Raised Eyebrow
"GO AHEAD." At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some
mighty big trouble.

"PLEASE DO"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance
to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it
is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful
and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."

"THANKS"
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

"THANKS A LOT"
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot"
When she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended
her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be
careful not
to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you
"Nothing."


----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Guru]

1. Why did God create woman?
-To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.
_____

2. If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
-The swallow.

_____

3. How do you annoy your girlfriend during sex?
-Call her.

_____

4. Why do women fake orgasms?
-Because they think men care.

_____

5. What is the definition of "making love"
-Something a woman does while a guy is ****ing her.

_____

6. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
-Slow down and use a lubricant.

_____

7. What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
- Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your [w]HOLE weak.

_____

8. How many sexists does it take to change a light bulb?
-None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

_____

9.What's the difference between pre-menstrual tension and B.S.E?
-One's mad cow disease; the other's an agricultural problem.

_____

10. Why does the bride always wear white?
-Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and
refrigerator.

_____

11. What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
-Nothing, she's been told twice already.

_____

12. How many men does it take to open a beer?
-None. It should be opened by the time she brings it in.

_____

13. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what
have you done wrong?
-Made her chain too long.

_____

14. How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
-Marry it!

_____

15. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
-A battery has a positive side.

_____

16. What are the three fastest means of communication?
-1) Internet 2) Telephone 3) Tel-a-woman

_____

17. Why do hunters make the best lovers?
-Because they go deep in the bush, shoot more than once, and they eat
what they shoot.

_____

18. How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
-They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

_____

19. What should you give a woman who has everything?
-A man to show her how to work it.

_____

20. How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
-They both begin with a lot of blowing and sucking, and in the end you
lose your house.

_____

21. Why does a bride smile when she walks up the aisle?
-She knows she's given her last blow job.
_____

22. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
-A whore sleeps with everyone at the party while a bitch sleeps with
everyone at the party except you.

_____

23. What's the difference between your wife and your job?
-After 10 years the job still sucks.

_____

24. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
-Spitting, swallowing, and gargling.

_____

25. Why is the space between a women's breasts and her hips called
"waist"?
-Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

_____

26. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
-When you take it off, you wonder where her tits went.

_____

27. How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
-Put a nipple on it.

_____

28. Why did the woman cross the road?
-What's the bitch doing out of the kitchen in the first place?!

_____

29. Why are there no female astronauts on the moon?
-'cause it doesn't need cleaning yet.

_____

30. How is a woman like a condom?
-Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick

[Indiana]

Jim and Bill, two old friends, sit together in a Bar. Suddenly Bill asks Jim:
"HEY, did YOU sleep with MY wife?"

Jim promptly answers in a terrified voice: "Hell, NO! Of course not! I'd NEVER do such a thing!!"


Bill: "Hmm, you should. It's more fun than with yours...."

[Guru]

A wee Scottish tale
A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall,
holding hands, gazing out over the loch. For several minutes they
sat silently, then finally the girl looked at the boy and said, "A
penny for your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh, I was
thinkin'...perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."
The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on
the cheek. Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out
over the loch.
Minutes passed, then the girl spoke again. "Another penny for
your thoughts, Angus." "Well, uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its noo
aboot time for a wee cuddle." The girl blushed, then leaned over
and cuddled him for a few seconds. Then he blushed. Then the two
turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
After a while, she again said, "Another penny for your
thoughts, Angus." "Well! , uh I was thinkin'...perhaps its aboot
time you let me pewt ma hand on yer leg." The girl blushed, then
took his hand and put it on her knee. Then he blushed. Then the
two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl
spoke again.
"Another penny for your thoughts, Angus." The young man
glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, "My
thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time."
"Really?" said the girl in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding. The girl looked away in shyness,
began to blush, and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate
request.
And he said, "Din'na ye think it's aboot time ye paid me the
first three pennies?"


---------------------------------------------------------

The Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and
as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he
decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too
personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair
of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items
and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without
checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing
any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I
would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones
that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought
them from showed me the pair she had! been wearing for the past three weeks
and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked
really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as
no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance
to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just
think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing."


-------------------------------------------------------


Getting Up In The Morning

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says, "You know, you
should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long
and you are going to die this evening." The man is distraught and wonders
how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty
well. "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember,"
she says. "I am going to treat you like a king." She prepares a scrumptious
gourmet dinner with wine, candles-the works.

After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the
man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most
passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done,
the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the
husband is wide-awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her..."Honey?" he whispers. She rolls
over and again proceeds to! make love. Again when they were done she rolls
over and he taps her. She is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she
grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to
snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again. "Honey?" he whispers. She
rolls over and yells, "Oh sure! You don't have to get up in the morning!"


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


A trucker in Vegas

A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel
outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says,
"I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!" The Madam is
astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest
ladies and a three-course meal." The trucker replies, "Listen sweetheart, I
ain't horny, I'm homesick."

[Guru]

The twins
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a Family in Egypt and is named "Amal."
The other goes to a family in Spain; They name him "Juan."
Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum.

Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that
she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds,
"But they are twins - if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

------------------------------------------------------

Gorilla on the roof

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he
looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla
Removers."
He calls the number, and the gorilla remover says he'll be over in 30
minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,
a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do", the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to
go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat.
When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles
and not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in
the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?"
asks the homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog!

------------------------------------------------------------

GIRLS NIGHT OUT

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls."
I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the champagne was going down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., drunk as a skunk, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up
and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing he'd probably wake up,
I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for
coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when smashed),
in order to escape a possible conflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in,
and I told him 12:00. He didn't seem disturbed at all.
Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night
our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit,"
cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat,
cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more,
and then tripped over the cat and farted.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The Inspector

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector
from a pest control company. One afternoon they were
carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband
came home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!"
She shoved him into the closet, stark naked.
The husband however became suspicious, and after
a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone."

"What are you doing here?"

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths."

"And where are your clothes?"

The man looked down at himself and said,......
"Those little bastards!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

[DukeP]

Lol.
These are all so darn funny, that I have been annoying my fellow students for the last 20 minutes...


Please, keep it up!

~~DukeP~~

[Guru]

THE AMISH ELEVATOR
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost
everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an
elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my
life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady
in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls
opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls
closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the
walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and
a gorgeous 24-year old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son......................

"Go get your mother."


------------------------------------------------------------------------------


M and M

A mother, frustrated at her attempts to get any house work done
with her 8 year old son constantly underfoot, handed him a
bag of M&M's and told him to go outside and play.
An hour or so later, having finished the housework,
she went to the window to check on her son, to find
him sitting on the front steps, the bag of M&M's in one hand
and the cat in the other.

Curious as to what he was doing, she decided to watch for a minute,
only to see her sweet little 8 year old pop a couple of M&M's in
his mouth, bite the cat and move down a step. Heading for the door
to yell at him and ask him just what the hell he was doing,
she saw him repeat the process: Pop a couple of M&M's in his
mouth, bite the cat and move down another step. She finally
made it out the door and, yelling at her son, asked him
what he was doing, to which he replied in his sweet little
8 year old voice,
"I'm playin' trucker, mommy! Poppin' pills, eatin' pussy and movin' on!!".


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.

A jumper cable walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says, "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A termite walks into a bar and says, "Where's the bartender?"

A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."

Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married.
The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was great.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:
"Does this taste funny to you?"

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!"

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What, just because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him $50 that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'no, the steaks are too high.'

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bears vs Packers

On a tour of Texas, the Pope took a few vacation days off, just to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Green Bay Packer jersey was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25 foot shark. As the Pope watched horrified, a speedboat came by with three men wearing Chicago Bears jerseys. One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark's side. the other two reached out and pulled the blue, semiconscious Packer fan from the water. Then using their long clubs, the three beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat.

Immediately the Pope shouted and summoned them to him, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there were some bitter hatreds between the Bears and the Packers, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true."

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buds, "Who was that?" "It was the Pope," one replied. "He's in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpooner said, "he may have access to wisdom, but he doesn't know anything about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up OK or do we need to get another one?"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nick the Dragon Slayer was an official in King Arthur's court.
He had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's
voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague,
Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor.
Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for
Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would
cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause,
Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching
powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere
while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching
commenced and grew intense.

Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this
incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen
that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would
cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only
the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the
antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer.
Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer
the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put
it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked
passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.
The Queen's itching was eventually relieved,
and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer
found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of
1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied,
Nick the Dragon Slayer could have cared less,
and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never
report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive
dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth.
The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer...

MORAL OF THE STORY: Pay your bills.

[Guru]

These have been posted before but are still funny!

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Taster Named FRANK, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honored to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am
supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to walkie-talkie in 3 extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located an uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced.

Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those
rednecks.

Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing! I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach!

Chili # 8: Helen's Mount Saint Chili
JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all,
not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.
FRANK: --------------(editor's note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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Lessons on responding to complex problems:

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Guru]

Q.What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. Why do women call it PMS?
A. Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh" and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. What do you call a Lesbian with fat fingers?
A. Well-Hung.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 pounds.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving
their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.