Quotes

[Ajax]

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.

[isochar]

Consulting: If you're not a part of the solution, there's good money to be made in prolonging the problem.

[Guru]

Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this woman and stop her.

[Guru]

Groucho Marx

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of your fellow man.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot, but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Now there's a man with an open mind—you can feel the breeze from here.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others.

I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions—the curtain was up.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

There is only one way to find out if a man is honest—ask him. If he says "yes," you know he is crooked.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing—if you can fake that, you've got it made.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Do you think I could buy back my introduction to you?

I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse.

Go, and never darken my towels again.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Time wounds all heels.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

Remember men, you are fighting for the lady’s honor, which is probably more than she ever did.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Although it is generally known, I think it's about time to announce that I was born at a very early age.

This man has the mind of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Look, if you don't like my parties, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, leave in a minute and a huff. If you can't find that, you can leave in a taxi.

Last night I shot an elephant in my pajamas and how he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Outside of a dog a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

I could dance with you till the cows come home, on second thought I'll dance with the cows till you come home.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit—retire!

Here's to our wives and girlfriends—may they never meet!

You get a canoe later and I'll paddle you.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

[Guru]

George W. Bush

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"

"I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy."

"This administration is doing everything we can to end the stalemate in an efficient way. We're making the right decisions to bring the solution to an end."

"Drug therapies are replacing a lot of medicines as we used to know it."

"Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness."

"I understand that the unrest in the Middle East creates unrest throughout the region."

"If you don't stand for anything, you don't stand for anything!"

"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."

"We cannot let terrorists and rogue nations hold this nation hostile or hold our allies hostile.''

"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive position and have a tremendous impact on history."

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods."

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."

"One of the common denominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected."

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"

"I am mindful of the difference between the executive branch and the legislative branch. I assured all four of these leaders that I know the difference, and that difference is they pass the laws and I execute them."

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself."

"Governor Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure."

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign."

"We ought to make the pie higher."

"Quotas are bad for America. It's not the way America is all about."

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question."

"Reading is the basics for all learning."

"Laura and I really don't realize how bright our children is sometimes until we get an objective analysis."

"I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun."

"First, we would not accept a treaty that would not have been ratified, nor a treaty that I thought made sense for the country."

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have-he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road."

"It is clear our nation is reliant upon big foreign oil. More and more of our imports come from overseas."

"They misunderestimated me."

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."

"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants."

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

"We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans."

"I know what I believe. I will continue to articulate what I believe and what I believe-I believe what I believe is right."

"I understand small business growth. I was one."

"One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures."

"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program."

"If a person doesn't have the capacity that we all want that person to have, I suspect hope is in the far distant future, if at all."

[Ajax]

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.

[Dilitante1]

from our favorite hairy code administrator:

GT98 you git! I just spent the last 30 minutes working on the site as I thought it had become another one of the missing threads

[Guru]

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep." (Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live)

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." (Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks)

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President." (Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents)

"When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results." (Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge)

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable." (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake)

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." (A congressional candidate in Texas)

"When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the Los Angeles Riots)

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before." (Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower)

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money." (Everett Dirksen)

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on." (Samuel Goldwyn)

"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values)

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." (John Wayne)

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." (Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark)

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle)

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind." (General William Westmoreland)

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is." (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund--he was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste.")

"If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will be cut right out from under your feet." (Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin)

[Guru]

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle)

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." (Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle)

"There's no such thing as a tough child--if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender." (W.C. Fields)

"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." (Popular Mechanics, 1949)

"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." (Thomas Watson, Chairman of IBM, 1943)

"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year." (The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957)

"But what ... is it good for?" (Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip)

"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home." (Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977)

"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." (Western Union internal memo, 1876)

"The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" (David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s)

"The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C,' the idea must be feasible." (A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)

"Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" (H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927)

"A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." (Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies)

"We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." (Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962)

"Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." (Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929)

"Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." (Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre)

"Everything that can be invented has been invented." (Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899)

"The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." (Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project)

"This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed." (Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast)

"Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." (Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television)

"If excessive smoking actually plays a role in the production of lung cancer, it seems to be a minor one." (Dr. W.C. Heuper of the National Cancer Institute, as quoted in the New York Times on April 14, 1954)

"For the majority of people, smoking has a beneficial effect." (Dr. Ian G. Macdonald, Los Angeles surgeon, quoted in Newsweek, November 8, 1963)

[Guru]

Woody Allen

And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.

By love, of course, I refer to romantic love—the love between man and woman, rather that between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.

Don't knock masturbation—it's sex with someone I love.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

I am at two with nature.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (On the KKK)

I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in 20 minutes. It involves Russia.

I was thrown out of there during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick—not wounded—dead.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm so excited—I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.

It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering—and it's all over much too soon.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Marriage is the death of hope.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

My brain? It's my second favorite organ.

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

My only regret in life is that I wasn't born someone else.

My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.

No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

Sex between two people is a beautiful thing—between five, it's fantastic.

Sex is dirty—only when it's done right.

Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

There are three things Jewish people worship—God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.

Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, How insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, it rained. I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide again—this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?

When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

[Guru]

PWC ++

5656

[cjolley]

Re: PWC ++

Originally posted by Guru
5656

No wonder....
chuck

[az]

Well, he could have done a separate post for every quote...

AZ

[Ajax]

@GURU, How long have you been saving these, waiting for this thread to come along?

[Taz]

Isn't cut'n'paste wonderfull

You can quote me on that if you like