I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

[Fat Tone]

Peter Kay - the work of a genius !

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough."

You know that look women get when they want sex? No? Me neither.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said,'Thyroid problem?'

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?

I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.

Well I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

[DukeP]

Hey, some of those are really good!

Oh, btw, I have become a Super. Horray.
I really need to spend more time on my master, and less on my Murcer...



~~DukeP~~

[Wombat]

I don't know who Peter Kay is, but some of those are almost certainly from Steven Wright.

[Strahd]

Originally posted by Wombat
I don't know who Peter Kay is, but some of those are almost certainly from Steven Wright.

Yup. I've seen him do the amnesia and deja vu line. Perhaps it was one he borrowed or vice versa.

[RedRed]

funny - but the swimming wife, the hardened criminals and the step ladder are oldies for sure!

I would say they are oldies of the MARKS BROS era!

RedRed

[Ajax]

Awesome!

[Fat Tone]

I think Peter Kay is so loved over here, a lot of things get attributed to him just because of the style - you can often just hear him saying it in your head as you read them. Here's another batch I got sent almost exactly a year ago...


Some Peter Kay true-isms

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your Pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to;
have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your; school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild
is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you
at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half
way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong !

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip

[paulcs]

I'd kill for a weekend with Uma Thurmon, a trampoline, and a bathtub filled with maraschino cherries.

Paul

[Ribbit]

I suspect Uma might kill you to get out of that weekend

[Joel]

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Could elaborate on that one but this is the lounge and this is suppose to be a joke.

Joel

[Taz]

Originally posted by Ribbit
I suspect Uma might kill you to get out of that weekend

Nah his name's not Bill so he should be ok

[az]

Watch out, or her next movie will be "Maul Paul".

AZ

[Sasq]

Dan quietly waits for the 'She can maul me anytime' line he knows someone will want to use.