Random Joke Thread

[Paddy]

So this guy is working on a building site. He's merrily working away on the 4th floor when he realises that he's left his saw back on the ground. He tries to shout to his mate, but due to the height he cannot be heard. So after getting his mate's attention, he decided to try some sign language. He points to his eye to mean 'I', then he points to his knee to mean 'need'. Finally, he moves his hand back and forth to mean 'a saw'. His mate nods and whips down his trousers and begins to masturbate. Horrified the guy runs all the way down to the ground and says to the guy, 'Hey! What are you doing? I was trying to tell you that I needed a saw'. His mate replied, 'Yeah I know, I was trying to tell you that I'm coming!'



Oh dear!

Whose next?

[Guru]

A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands next to the barber chair, eating a cake while her dad gets his
haircut.
The barber smiles at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get
hair on your muffin."
I know," she replies. "I'm gonna get tits too."

[Paddy]

hehehe ok.

A girl is walking home from school when a man pulls up in his car and offers her a lift home. The girl replies, 'No thankyou, I'm not allowed to talk to strangers'.

The next day the man pulls up again and offers the girl a lift home. Again the little girl replies 'My mummy told me not to talk to strangers, no thankyou'.

On the third day the man tries a different tactic. He pulls along side the girl and again offers her a lift. This time, when she refuses he adds 'By the way, I'm a Radio1 DJ, are your sure I cant offer you a lift home?' The girl is taken aback and immediately jumps into the car.

The man takes the 'scenic' road home and eventually pulls into a secluded lane. He reaches into his trousers and pulls out his manhood. After playing with it for a while he asks 'Do you know what this is?' The girl nods shyly. The man asks 'Would you like to have a go?' The girl says OK, licks her lips and grasps his shaft with one hand. She opens her mouth and says 'I'd just like to say hello to all my friends!'

[Brian R.]

A Woman's 50 Rules for Men (Otherwise known as "The Path to Bliss")
1. Call.
2. Don't lie.
3. Never tape any of her body parts together.
4. If guys' night out is going to be fun, invite the girls.
5. If guys' night out is going to involve strippers, remember the zoo rules: No Petting.
6. The correct answer to "Do I look fat?" is never, ever "Yes."
7. Ditto for "Is she prettier than me?"
8. Victoria's Secret is good. Frederick's of Hollywood is bad.
9. Ordering for her is good. Telling her what she wants is bad.
10. Being attentive is good. Stalking is bad.
11. "Honey," "Darling," and "Sweetheart" are good. "Nag," "Lardass," and "Bitch" are bad.
12. Talking is good. Shouting is bad. Slapping is a felony.
13. A grunt is seldom an acceptable answer to any question.
14. None of your ex-girlfriends were ever nicer, prettier, or better in bed.
15. Her cooking is excellent.
16. That isn't an excuse for you to avoid cooking.
17. Dishsoap is your friend.
18. Hat does not equal shower, aftershave does not equal soap, and warm does not equal clean.
19. Buying her dinner does not equal foreplay.
20. Answering "Who was that on the phone?" with "Nobody" is never going to end that conversation.
21. Ditto for "Whose lipstick is this?"
22. Two words: clean socks.
23. Believe it or not, you're probably not more attractive when you're drunk.
24. Burping is not sexy.
25. You're wrong.
26. You're sorry.
27. She is probably less impressed by your discourse on your cool car than you think she is.
28. Ditto for your discourse on football.
29. Ditto for your ability to jump up and hit any awning in a single bound.
30. "Will you marry me?" is good. "Let's shack up together" is bad.
31. Don't assume PMS is the cause for every bad mood.
32. Don't assume PMS doesn't exist.
33. No means No. Yes means Yes. Silence could mean anything she feels like at that particular moment in time, and it could change without notice.
34. "But, we kiss..." is not justification for using her toothbrush.
You don't clean plaque with your tongue.
35. Never let her walk anywhere alone after 11pm.
36. Chivalry and feminism are NOT mutually exclusive.
37. Pick her up at the airport. Don't whine about it, just do it.
38. If you want to break up with her, break up with her. Don't act like a complete jerk until she does it for you.
39. Don't tell her you love her if you don't.
40. Tell her you love her if you do. Often.
41. Always, always suck up to her brother.
42. Think boxers.
43. Silk boxers.
44. Remember Valentine's Day, and any cheesy "anniversary" she so-names.
45. Don't try to change the way she dresses.
46. Her haircut is never bad.
47. Don't let your friends pick on her.
48. Call.
49. Don't lie.
50. The rules are never fair. Accept this without question. The fact that she has to go through labor while you sit in the waiting room on your butt smoking cigars isn't fair either, and it balances everything.

[Brian R.]

A "Man's Rules for Women":

1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want
to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries.
18. Share the bathroom.
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like a sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Don't give us 50 rules when 25 will do.

[Brian R.]

One day, two old men from a retirement home were sitting on the front porch retirement home. One man says to the other, "Ya know, Bill, if you think about it, we are not that old. I mean, my memory is still very good." As the man said this, he knocked on the wood chair beside him."Actually, sharp as ever."

After a couple minutes of silence, the first man started to talk again, "So, is anyone going to get the door or do I have to do it?"

[Brian R.]

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:

Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

Bo! Bo! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!

Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie

Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?

Damn, there go the lights again...

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.

Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off

What's this doing here?

I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

That's cool! now can you make his leg twitch?!

Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?

What do mean he wasn't in for a sex change...!

Anyone see where I left that scalpel?

And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.

OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

What do you mean "You want a divorce"!

She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!!!

Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Damn, I hate Mondays

Where’s that new intern? I want him to try this

Darn! Nurse, where is that old spare microscope? You know, the one with the bad lenses? Just as I removed the cornea, something happened to the optics of this one and I can’t see anything.

Don’t worry, I can do a pre-frontal lobotomy with my eyes closed

Better doublecheck which foot was to be amputated. We may have to re-attach.

[Brian R.]

A man was browsing in an antique store when he came upon a statue of a cat. He asked the price and the owner said, "The statue of the cat is $100; the legend behind the statue is another $100." The man agreed to buy only the statue itself, although the owner warned as he left, "You'll be back for the legend!"

The man tossed the statue into the back seat of his car and started to drive away. There were several cats in the alley that began to chase the car. As he went through town, many more cats began to chase the car, until literally hundreds of cats were swarming the car. Frightened, the man sped toward the edge of town to a bridge over the river. He tossed the statue over the bridge and into the water below. All the cats jumped in after the statue and drowned.

The man, now visibly shaken, returned to the antique store. The owner, seeing him approach, said, "Now, do you want the legend behind the statue of the cat?"

"No," the man replied, "... but do you have any lawyer statues?”

[Brian R.]

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off." And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

[Brian R.]

Three old men were talking about the best thing that could happen to them at that time of life.

The 80 year old said : "The best thing that could happen to me is to be able to have a good pee. I just stand there and it dribbles and hurts, and I have to go over and over again."

The 85 year old said: "The best thing could happen to me is if I could have a good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it is still a problem."

The 90 year old man said: "That's not my problem, every morning at 6:00 am sharp I have a good long pee and at 6:30 sharp I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me is if I could wake up before 7:00.

[Brian R.]

A man buys a parrot from a pet shop. The parrot is highly intelligent but all he ever does is swears.

Day and night the parrot shouts out obscene words and phrases until one day the man decides to teach him a lesson.

He is standing in the kitchen with the parrot, constantly swearing, seated on his shoulder. The man tells the parrot that if he doesn`t stop swearing he is going to open the door of his freezer and throw him in. The parrot laughs and tells him that he wouldn`t dare.

The parrot ignores the threat and sure enough, the man opens his freezer, grabs the bird by its neck, throws him inside and slams it shut. The bird bangs constantly on the door asking to be let out and promises never to swear again.

After about 5 minutes the man agrees to give the bird 1 more chance and places him back on his shoulder.

After a few minutes the parrot has warmed up again and asks the man, "What did the chicken do?"

[Brian R.]

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.
The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

[Brian R.]

Phew! Got that out of my system...