Bad Joke Time

[az]

Post jokes! I'll start with a groaner.

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This guy wants to go into a nightclub, but the bouncer says -
"Sorry, bud, you need a tie for this place."

The man goes back to his car and rummages around, but there's no necktie to be found. Finally, in desperation, he takes his jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, ties a nice knot, and lets the ends dangle free.

He goes back to the nightclub, where the bouncer says...
"Well, OK, I guess you can come in. But don't start anything!"

AZ

[degrub]

from the files of "A Prairie Home Companion" radio show......

Many years ago, a tiny island nation in the South Pacific was home to some of the finest woodworkers who ever lived. Unfortunately, no one ever found about these legendary artisans since the only pieces they ever produced were thrones for the king of the island. It was a tradition that every year, on the first day of summer, the old throne would be burned in a massive bonfire and the woodworkers would present the king with their newest masterpiece, an ornate and beautiful throne they spent all year carving and shaping. The king would rule from the new royal seat and then destroy it at the next year's summer festival.

One year, a new king ascended to the throne and spoke to his council of elders. "It's a foolish thing to take these beautiful pieces of art and destroy them every year! Someone should save them for future generations to enjoy."

But one of his ministers quickly pointed out, "Sire, this is a small island, and much of the land has been taken. We have no room to build a museum."

Thinking quickly, the king proposed a solution. "I have the answer. We will build a second story onto the royal hut, and we shall store the thrones there."

The king's plan worked beautifully for a few years. Every year, he would summon the strongest men on the island to carry the thrones up into the second floor of the royal hut and add them to the collection. But on the fifth year, the floor finally could take no more, and the royal hut collapsed, killing the king and his whole family.

The moral of the story? People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.



And one more...

A woman boards a train in Ireland. She is carrying a small, fluffy little dog, and proceeds to sit down and place the dog in the seat next to her. The train fills up quickly, with many people unable to find a seat. Finally, just before the train leaves, an American gets on. He sees the dog in the seat and asks the lady to hold it so he can sit down. She refuses, saying the dog is a highly-pedegreed show dog. The man asks again, a little more strongly. Again, the woman refuses. Things go on this way for a while, until finally the man picks up the dog, opens the window, and throws it out. He sits down calmly as the woman begins to shriek and pound him with her fists. An old Irishman across the way leans over and says to the man: "Ah, ya foolish Yanks. Ye do everythin' backwards. Not only do ye drive on the wrong side of the road but ye just threw the wrong bitch out the window."


Cheers!

[Jessterw]

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.
One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window."
The bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.
The 2nd Man says: "What are you a nut? There is no way that could happen."
1st Man: "No it's true let me prove it to you." So he gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and careens to the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind whips him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.
The 2nd Man tells him: "You know I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."
1st Man: "No, I'll prove it again" and again he jumps and hurtles toward the street where the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.
2nd Man: "Well what the hell, it works, I'll try it." he jumps over the balcony, plunges downward, passes the 11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors... and hits the sidewalk with a 'splat.'

Back upstairs the Bartender turns to the other drinker: "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk.

[VJ]

When a blind person jumps with a parachute, how does he know he is almost down?

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The leash of his dog is no longer tight...

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And when a deaf man jumps with a parachute, how does he know he is almost down?

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He can see it...


hey, the title was 'bad joke time'...


Jörg

[dshumake]

1: Knock Knock
2: Who's there
1: Control freak
1: Now you say Control freak who