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Top 5 Awful Toys
Sean Brodrick
Sunday, Nov. 28, 2004
Our toy analyst was browsing Amazon.com during lunch trying to put a Christmas list together. So far, he's come up with a list of toys that are NOT going to end up under his family tree. The Top 5 awful toys for wicked little children:
Stink Blaster
Manufacturer’s description: Blast your Friends with a ball of harmless, but Stinky air from up to 20 feet away! Just pull back the plunger, squeeze the pod release, aim and fire! The Stink Blaster coils the air as it races towards your target for a concentrated blast of air and smell. The power of the air ruffles shirts and blows hair, while the smell will wrinkle noses and annoy your friends. Blast 'em from a distance; they'll never see you coming!
Sean’s analysis: Just what the world needs, more stink! And stinky kids to boot – as if kids aren’t stinky enough (take it from the father of a 2-year-old). I guess if you know your kid is already growing up to be the Antichrist, you can give him a stink blaster in hopes of venting urges that might otherwise lead to human sacrifice. Basically, it’s a fart gun. Most families have one of those already – it’s called Grandpa.
Snot shot!
Manufacturer’s description: Blast your toys with oozing goo when you use this Snot Shot. Take a shot at your toys with this glow-in-the-dark Single Shot blaster. Includes: one Snot Shot Blaster, one bottle of Snot Shot refill, one bottle of glow-in-the-dark Snot Shot refill and one pair of goggles. Adult supervision is required regarding proper use of this toy. Snot Shot is recommended for outdoor use. Snot Shot Blaster color may stain carpeting, furniture and painted walls. Requires 3 "C" batteries, not included.
Sean’s analysis: Hey, if you’re buying your kid the fart gun, you might as well get him the snot gun to go with it. Don’t you love all the disclaimers here? “May stain carpeting, furniture and painted walls� We-e-e-ell, I guess you can drop Little Johnny in the middle of the Mohave Desert with this toy, because there’s no way in hell he’s bringing it home. And notice the repetition of “blast your toys†... “take a shot at your toys.†You know any kid who starts blasting away with a “Snot Shot’ will be aiming straight at the cat, in his sister’s mouth, in my mouth – criminey! Just put these toys in a pile and burn them.
Van Helsing Gross Dissection Lab
Manufacturer’s description: The only Van Helsing laboratory that allows you to cut open Frankenstein, remove his gooey organs, and view them under a microscope! Mad scientist styled viewing station. Discovery ready Frankenstein with chest opening and multiple monster organs. Includes Kid friendly tweezers and scalpel.
Sean’s analysis: The perfect gift for the budding Dr. Mengele in your home. I love the “kid friendly†tweezers and scalpel. ‘Cause you know – you wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt when you’re practicing dissecting someone alive!
Mall Madness Game
Amazon.com description: Shopping games, no matter when they're introduced to the market, all have the same objective: shop 'til you drop! This one is no different. For detractors, Mall Madness may teach and encourage over-consumption, indebtedness, and a focus on material culture at an early age (9 and up). But for those who care more about pretty ponchos than prickly politics, the game offers the same guilty pleasure that comes from excessive shopping in reality! A mall in miniature, the game's 21 by 30-inch, 3-D board and electronic console includes a food court (for which there are tokens), mall stands, an escalator, and plenty of shops, "mall money" and "cash cards" to go around. Grownups and kids (up to 4 players) who can make six purchases without too many pitfalls win the game--a claim in reality that the stores usually make.
Sean’s analysis: While I admire the honesty, it’s not politics, puddin’-head, it’s economics. And the economics of this game are terrible. You’re teaching kids to spend as much as possible at the mall. It’s a good game if you want your kids to grow up to be bankrupt.
Bratz Tokyo-A-Go Go! Dance 'N' Skate Club Playset
Manufacturer’s description: Get ready to dress up and groove on down at the coolest retro-disco roller derby around, the Tokyo A Go Go Dance 'N' Skate Club! With five exciting areas of party-fun, plus a dance floor that lights up, a DJ booth that revolves in place, and an automated roller-rink that actually let your Bratz roller-boogie and spin in circles around the cafe, it's time to go-go to the disco! Pronto!
Sean’s analysis: If you’re not familiar with Bratz, they’re the dolls for girls who don’t think Barbie is slutty enough. Bratz dolls are dressed up like hookers with makeup to match. This Tokyo-A-Go-Go dance club would be better if they renamed the dance floor the “Champagne Stage†and put little Ken-doll customers around it with $5 bills in their hands. That way, it would work as an educational toy, because if your daughter is really into Bratz, it’s likely that there’s a strip club in her future.
Sean Brodrick
Sunday, Nov. 28, 2004
Our toy analyst was browsing Amazon.com during lunch trying to put a Christmas list together. So far, he's come up with a list of toys that are NOT going to end up under his family tree. The Top 5 awful toys for wicked little children:
Stink Blaster
Manufacturer’s description: Blast your Friends with a ball of harmless, but Stinky air from up to 20 feet away! Just pull back the plunger, squeeze the pod release, aim and fire! The Stink Blaster coils the air as it races towards your target for a concentrated blast of air and smell. The power of the air ruffles shirts and blows hair, while the smell will wrinkle noses and annoy your friends. Blast 'em from a distance; they'll never see you coming!
Sean’s analysis: Just what the world needs, more stink! And stinky kids to boot – as if kids aren’t stinky enough (take it from the father of a 2-year-old). I guess if you know your kid is already growing up to be the Antichrist, you can give him a stink blaster in hopes of venting urges that might otherwise lead to human sacrifice. Basically, it’s a fart gun. Most families have one of those already – it’s called Grandpa.
Snot shot!
Manufacturer’s description: Blast your toys with oozing goo when you use this Snot Shot. Take a shot at your toys with this glow-in-the-dark Single Shot blaster. Includes: one Snot Shot Blaster, one bottle of Snot Shot refill, one bottle of glow-in-the-dark Snot Shot refill and one pair of goggles. Adult supervision is required regarding proper use of this toy. Snot Shot is recommended for outdoor use. Snot Shot Blaster color may stain carpeting, furniture and painted walls. Requires 3 "C" batteries, not included.
Sean’s analysis: Hey, if you’re buying your kid the fart gun, you might as well get him the snot gun to go with it. Don’t you love all the disclaimers here? “May stain carpeting, furniture and painted walls� We-e-e-ell, I guess you can drop Little Johnny in the middle of the Mohave Desert with this toy, because there’s no way in hell he’s bringing it home. And notice the repetition of “blast your toys†... “take a shot at your toys.†You know any kid who starts blasting away with a “Snot Shot’ will be aiming straight at the cat, in his sister’s mouth, in my mouth – criminey! Just put these toys in a pile and burn them.
Van Helsing Gross Dissection Lab
Manufacturer’s description: The only Van Helsing laboratory that allows you to cut open Frankenstein, remove his gooey organs, and view them under a microscope! Mad scientist styled viewing station. Discovery ready Frankenstein with chest opening and multiple monster organs. Includes Kid friendly tweezers and scalpel.
Sean’s analysis: The perfect gift for the budding Dr. Mengele in your home. I love the “kid friendly†tweezers and scalpel. ‘Cause you know – you wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt when you’re practicing dissecting someone alive!
Mall Madness Game
Amazon.com description: Shopping games, no matter when they're introduced to the market, all have the same objective: shop 'til you drop! This one is no different. For detractors, Mall Madness may teach and encourage over-consumption, indebtedness, and a focus on material culture at an early age (9 and up). But for those who care more about pretty ponchos than prickly politics, the game offers the same guilty pleasure that comes from excessive shopping in reality! A mall in miniature, the game's 21 by 30-inch, 3-D board and electronic console includes a food court (for which there are tokens), mall stands, an escalator, and plenty of shops, "mall money" and "cash cards" to go around. Grownups and kids (up to 4 players) who can make six purchases without too many pitfalls win the game--a claim in reality that the stores usually make.
Sean’s analysis: While I admire the honesty, it’s not politics, puddin’-head, it’s economics. And the economics of this game are terrible. You’re teaching kids to spend as much as possible at the mall. It’s a good game if you want your kids to grow up to be bankrupt.
Bratz Tokyo-A-Go Go! Dance 'N' Skate Club Playset
Manufacturer’s description: Get ready to dress up and groove on down at the coolest retro-disco roller derby around, the Tokyo A Go Go Dance 'N' Skate Club! With five exciting areas of party-fun, plus a dance floor that lights up, a DJ booth that revolves in place, and an automated roller-rink that actually let your Bratz roller-boogie and spin in circles around the cafe, it's time to go-go to the disco! Pronto!
Sean’s analysis: If you’re not familiar with Bratz, they’re the dolls for girls who don’t think Barbie is slutty enough. Bratz dolls are dressed up like hookers with makeup to match. This Tokyo-A-Go-Go dance club would be better if they renamed the dance floor the “Champagne Stage†and put little Ken-doll customers around it with $5 bills in their hands. That way, it would work as an educational toy, because if your daughter is really into Bratz, it’s likely that there’s a strip club in her future.
Dr. Mordrid
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