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So, I just wanted to share.
I went out and rented Season 1 of the Transformers. See, last week we went to Burger King. Well, I went and got Logan a kids' meal with their new healthier choice apple-sauce and chocolate milk instead of double-fried fries and sugar-cola. Anyway, it came with a transformer. It wasn't MUCH of a transformer. It was supposedly Jetfire, who is now a cargo-carrier. It consisted of two pieces of extruded plastic, one of which actually comes off and gets lost.
Regardless, it was Logan's new favorite toy. So I was inspired, and rented the 4-disc set.
I put it in.
And... wow. Well, let me start by saying that I did still enjoy it. But ... I dunno. This is a faithful transcription of the originals. It even includes interstitials, although it does NOT include the "in today's episode" highlights that ran before the opening credits, although I don't know for sure if that was a later addition during syndication.
So, being that it's faithful, I must assume that this is what I watched as a kid. Why, then, do I remember so much MORE detail than what I'm seeing? This isn't the "forgiving memory" syndrome, where you see something that you loved as a child and it turns out that it sucked. No, this is just... well, it's not that I remember scenes that didn't happen. I just remember MORE STUFF than what's in these episodes. Of course, I also had a comic book or twelve, and the very detailed cutout cards on the back of each package. This was, after all, a show intended as secondary marketing of what was primarily a child's overpriced action figure (much as we loved them).
Ok, so to the topic.
I was struck that one could get, and stay, quite pleasantly buzzed - if not downright schnackered - playing a drinking game while watching this show. The thought occured to me primarily because the present from my brother-in-law for my recent birthday was a "Family Guy" drinking game pint glass. Y'know, like when Peter laughs his trademark laugh you take a sip, or when someone makes a "Meg is ugly" joke you take 3 sips, or when Brian & Stewie do a song-and-dance routine, you... "CHUG, DAMN YOU!"
Ok, so the neverending cavalcade of predictably repeatable events in Transformers led me to think in this manner. Julie watched with us as we waded through a dozen episodes... and she and I have a tendency to MST3K everything anyway (makes watching naughty movies quite... uh... nevermind).
So...
Things that you must drink to in Transformers. This does NOT include amounts, although some things are rarer than others.
-------------------------------------------
1. Every time someone's name and/or full name and/or designation is used completely unnecessarily... you drink. You drink double when someone refers to Optimus Prime in what is very nearly a third-person manner... and which is clearly intended to reinforce children's desire to wheedle their parents into spending the nearly $50 necessary to procure Optimus Prime from Toys-R-Us.
Examples:
"You know, we should really tell our Autobot Leader... Optimus Prime... this news."
"Help, save us Optimus Prime, Autobot Leader!"
2. Every time the Decepticons use voodoo magic... errr... I mean advanced technology... to convert one of earth's natural resources DIRECTLY into glowing energy... you drink. You drink double when, for a change, it's nearly plausible.
Examples:
- Yanking an oil pipe out of the side of a tanker, and pouring crude directly into an energon cube.
- Sticking energon cubes onto the sides of generators at some dam somewhere. (Almost plausible, drink double.)
3. Any time an utterly unnecessary command is issued to a group using that group's full name and an unnecessary admonishment.
Examples:
"Decepticons... take to the sky and attack!"
"Autobots... defend the oil platform!"
"Autobots... transform and roll out!" (This one is a two-drinker at LEAST!)
4. Any time Starscream schemes to take over the Decepticons... you drink.
5. Any time one Decepticon calls another Decepticon a "traitor"... you drink.
6. Any time that the autobots forget that THEY CAN ALL GOD DAMNED WELL ... FLY!
Examples:
- Autobots are swept into a raging river, and instead of flying out to safety, they are all swept away.
- Autobots fall off the top of the Hoover dam, and end up in the river.
- Autobots jump onto Decepticon jets, get thrown, and must be CAUGHT at the bottom.
7. Any time that the autobots go someplace exotic... by driving. Drink double if it seems like they did this absurdly quickly.
Examples:
- Autobots drive from pacific northwestern USA to... Burma.
- Autobots drive to the arctic circle... before the Decepticons finish filling cubes. DRINK DOUBLE.
8. Sketchy science. Any time that the show actually delves into real science... and gets it horrifyingly wrong... drink big. Chug that drink. For example:
- Decepticons find a crystal at the north pole that leads to the Earth's molten core... and use the crystal to "drain the earth of its heat energy", causing a global ice age. I'm pretty sure that even in 1984, schoolchildren learned that the SUN warms the Earth.
- Decepticons steal the "formula for antimatter". Mmm hmm.
- Decepticons teleport Cybertron into near-Earth orbit, and it DOESN'T crash directly into the planet ending all life as we know it.
8a. Anytime that we realize that Cybertron is, in fact, only about the size of the state of Rhode Island.
9. A new character is introduced without being introduced. Everyone already knows him or her, he or she already knows everyone. This results in a queasy feeling of having missed several episodes. Queasiness must be met with more drinking!
Examples:
- Chip Chase
- Any of the gazillion first-gen toys that they had to sneak in somewhere along the line.
10. Any time a transformer that we've never seen before is casually given one line, talked at by the other characters, and then not seen again for a dozen episodes... drink.
Examples:
- Frenzy, in one of the later first-season episodes. You almost miss it, too... since he looks just like Rumble.
11. Continuity glitches. Any time a transformer is drawn as the wrong color in one shot, but is back to normal in another. Starscream being blue, Prime being blue, etc.
12. Anytime Spike or Sparkplug is NOT wearing their oil-rig outfit. This doesn't happen often, so it's a big one. Only take small sips when they're shown without their hard hats. Apparently human friends of the Transformers don't get to change their clothes. Ever.
13. Any time Megatron or Optimus assigns an obviously inadequate team to do something, drink. Examples:
- Hey Bumblebee and CliffJumper... go attack that contingent of Decepticons!
- Starscream, take ravage and go raid Autobot headquarters.
14. Any time a character dies... oh, wait. Nobody dies in this series, who am I kidding?
15. Any time you're tempted to say "what would cause intelligent robots to ever develop the need to 'transform' in the first place?" ... you drink. Especially because it was the Quinti... whatevers.
16. Any time one of the humans easily does something absurdly complex using Cybertronian technology, that the Transformers themselves couldn't do... drink big. Y'know, when Sparkplug singlehandedly repairs one of the Autobots, or when Chip reprograms Teletran-1 to do something incredible.
17. Anytime you distinctly recognize Casey Casem's voice, and it's NOT Bluestreak... drink.
18. Any time that something happens in the show that's based SOLELY on knowledge that could ONLY be obtained from the packaging of the toys or other promotional material... drink.
Examples:
- Sunstreaker and ... uh... whatever the Ferrari's name are... well they're brothers. Yeah, I didn't know that Transformers "procreated" either. But they are. Only you don't KNOW that unless you have one of the toys. But then they make mention of it in the show, sort of in passing...
- Ironhide has Liquid NO2 blasters, Trailbreaker has a force field. It surprises us when they use them in the show, but they're on the "equipment list".
19. Anytime a really obscure transformer that nobody actually owned (or which was included as a bonus with another transformer and promptly lost by everyone who ever owned it) is actually addressed by name.
Examples:
- Perceptor is referred to by name ONCE. Just once. Watch for it, it's in Episode... err... maybe 5?
- Roller is referred to only once.
- Frenzy (remember I told you about this one already?)
20. Anytime there appear to be an ASSLOAD more Autobots or Decepticons than can be accounted for. In some scenes there are about 20 Decepticon jets flying in attack formation. Since we only know about three of them... must be all the drinking!
21. Anytime someone takes a direct hit from Megatron or Prime's cannon and LIVES... drink.
22. Any time a new and obscenely rare part is mentioned or needed, but wasn't needed the 800 other times that someone was repaired... drink.
Examples:
- Prime is wounded and needs some sort of bizarre thinger that they have to go to Cybertron to obtain. Yikes! Amazing that Teletran-1 rebuilt all of them without having one.
23. Anytime that anything incredible and energy-intensive happens on Cybertron, even though the planet is COMPLETELY OUT OF ENERGY OF ANY KIND... drink big.
Examples:
- They teleport the ENTIRE PLANET, even though they've never successfully gotten ANY energy back there.
- The autobots go to Wheeljack's secret lab, which is full of amazing equipment, and build some cool stuff, even though they had to salvage old core rods to power ANYTHING in the first episode.
-------------------
Ok, I'll add more to this later. It's late, and I'm too tired to continue. It's probably STUPID anyway. Oh, well.
I went out and rented Season 1 of the Transformers. See, last week we went to Burger King. Well, I went and got Logan a kids' meal with their new healthier choice apple-sauce and chocolate milk instead of double-fried fries and sugar-cola. Anyway, it came with a transformer. It wasn't MUCH of a transformer. It was supposedly Jetfire, who is now a cargo-carrier. It consisted of two pieces of extruded plastic, one of which actually comes off and gets lost.
Regardless, it was Logan's new favorite toy. So I was inspired, and rented the 4-disc set.
I put it in.
And... wow. Well, let me start by saying that I did still enjoy it. But ... I dunno. This is a faithful transcription of the originals. It even includes interstitials, although it does NOT include the "in today's episode" highlights that ran before the opening credits, although I don't know for sure if that was a later addition during syndication.
So, being that it's faithful, I must assume that this is what I watched as a kid. Why, then, do I remember so much MORE detail than what I'm seeing? This isn't the "forgiving memory" syndrome, where you see something that you loved as a child and it turns out that it sucked. No, this is just... well, it's not that I remember scenes that didn't happen. I just remember MORE STUFF than what's in these episodes. Of course, I also had a comic book or twelve, and the very detailed cutout cards on the back of each package. This was, after all, a show intended as secondary marketing of what was primarily a child's overpriced action figure (much as we loved them).
Ok, so to the topic.
I was struck that one could get, and stay, quite pleasantly buzzed - if not downright schnackered - playing a drinking game while watching this show. The thought occured to me primarily because the present from my brother-in-law for my recent birthday was a "Family Guy" drinking game pint glass. Y'know, like when Peter laughs his trademark laugh you take a sip, or when someone makes a "Meg is ugly" joke you take 3 sips, or when Brian & Stewie do a song-and-dance routine, you... "CHUG, DAMN YOU!"
Ok, so the neverending cavalcade of predictably repeatable events in Transformers led me to think in this manner. Julie watched with us as we waded through a dozen episodes... and she and I have a tendency to MST3K everything anyway (makes watching naughty movies quite... uh... nevermind).
So...
Things that you must drink to in Transformers. This does NOT include amounts, although some things are rarer than others.
-------------------------------------------
1. Every time someone's name and/or full name and/or designation is used completely unnecessarily... you drink. You drink double when someone refers to Optimus Prime in what is very nearly a third-person manner... and which is clearly intended to reinforce children's desire to wheedle their parents into spending the nearly $50 necessary to procure Optimus Prime from Toys-R-Us.
Examples:
"You know, we should really tell our Autobot Leader... Optimus Prime... this news."
"Help, save us Optimus Prime, Autobot Leader!"
2. Every time the Decepticons use voodoo magic... errr... I mean advanced technology... to convert one of earth's natural resources DIRECTLY into glowing energy... you drink. You drink double when, for a change, it's nearly plausible.
Examples:
- Yanking an oil pipe out of the side of a tanker, and pouring crude directly into an energon cube.
- Sticking energon cubes onto the sides of generators at some dam somewhere. (Almost plausible, drink double.)
3. Any time an utterly unnecessary command is issued to a group using that group's full name and an unnecessary admonishment.
Examples:
"Decepticons... take to the sky and attack!"
"Autobots... defend the oil platform!"
"Autobots... transform and roll out!" (This one is a two-drinker at LEAST!)
4. Any time Starscream schemes to take over the Decepticons... you drink.
5. Any time one Decepticon calls another Decepticon a "traitor"... you drink.
6. Any time that the autobots forget that THEY CAN ALL GOD DAMNED WELL ... FLY!
Examples:
- Autobots are swept into a raging river, and instead of flying out to safety, they are all swept away.
- Autobots fall off the top of the Hoover dam, and end up in the river.
- Autobots jump onto Decepticon jets, get thrown, and must be CAUGHT at the bottom.
7. Any time that the autobots go someplace exotic... by driving. Drink double if it seems like they did this absurdly quickly.
Examples:
- Autobots drive from pacific northwestern USA to... Burma.
- Autobots drive to the arctic circle... before the Decepticons finish filling cubes. DRINK DOUBLE.
8. Sketchy science. Any time that the show actually delves into real science... and gets it horrifyingly wrong... drink big. Chug that drink. For example:
- Decepticons find a crystal at the north pole that leads to the Earth's molten core... and use the crystal to "drain the earth of its heat energy", causing a global ice age. I'm pretty sure that even in 1984, schoolchildren learned that the SUN warms the Earth.
- Decepticons steal the "formula for antimatter". Mmm hmm.
- Decepticons teleport Cybertron into near-Earth orbit, and it DOESN'T crash directly into the planet ending all life as we know it.
8a. Anytime that we realize that Cybertron is, in fact, only about the size of the state of Rhode Island.
9. A new character is introduced without being introduced. Everyone already knows him or her, he or she already knows everyone. This results in a queasy feeling of having missed several episodes. Queasiness must be met with more drinking!
Examples:
- Chip Chase
- Any of the gazillion first-gen toys that they had to sneak in somewhere along the line.
10. Any time a transformer that we've never seen before is casually given one line, talked at by the other characters, and then not seen again for a dozen episodes... drink.
Examples:
- Frenzy, in one of the later first-season episodes. You almost miss it, too... since he looks just like Rumble.
11. Continuity glitches. Any time a transformer is drawn as the wrong color in one shot, but is back to normal in another. Starscream being blue, Prime being blue, etc.
12. Anytime Spike or Sparkplug is NOT wearing their oil-rig outfit. This doesn't happen often, so it's a big one. Only take small sips when they're shown without their hard hats. Apparently human friends of the Transformers don't get to change their clothes. Ever.
13. Any time Megatron or Optimus assigns an obviously inadequate team to do something, drink. Examples:
- Hey Bumblebee and CliffJumper... go attack that contingent of Decepticons!
- Starscream, take ravage and go raid Autobot headquarters.
14. Any time a character dies... oh, wait. Nobody dies in this series, who am I kidding?
15. Any time you're tempted to say "what would cause intelligent robots to ever develop the need to 'transform' in the first place?" ... you drink. Especially because it was the Quinti... whatevers.
16. Any time one of the humans easily does something absurdly complex using Cybertronian technology, that the Transformers themselves couldn't do... drink big. Y'know, when Sparkplug singlehandedly repairs one of the Autobots, or when Chip reprograms Teletran-1 to do something incredible.
17. Anytime you distinctly recognize Casey Casem's voice, and it's NOT Bluestreak... drink.
18. Any time that something happens in the show that's based SOLELY on knowledge that could ONLY be obtained from the packaging of the toys or other promotional material... drink.
Examples:
- Sunstreaker and ... uh... whatever the Ferrari's name are... well they're brothers. Yeah, I didn't know that Transformers "procreated" either. But they are. Only you don't KNOW that unless you have one of the toys.
But then they make mention of it in the show, sort of in passing...- Ironhide has Liquid NO2 blasters, Trailbreaker has a force field. It surprises us when they use them in the show, but they're on the "equipment list".
19. Anytime a really obscure transformer that nobody actually owned (or which was included as a bonus with another transformer and promptly lost by everyone who ever owned it) is actually addressed by name.
Examples:
- Perceptor is referred to by name ONCE. Just once. Watch for it, it's in Episode... err... maybe 5?
- Roller is referred to only once.
- Frenzy (remember I told you about this one already?)
20. Anytime there appear to be an ASSLOAD more Autobots or Decepticons than can be accounted for. In some scenes there are about 20 Decepticon jets flying in attack formation. Since we only know about three of them... must be all the drinking!
21. Anytime someone takes a direct hit from Megatron or Prime's cannon and LIVES... drink.
22. Any time a new and obscenely rare part is mentioned or needed, but wasn't needed the 800 other times that someone was repaired... drink.
Examples:
- Prime is wounded and needs some sort of bizarre thinger that they have to go to Cybertron to obtain. Yikes! Amazing that Teletran-1 rebuilt all of them without having one.
23. Anytime that anything incredible and energy-intensive happens on Cybertron, even though the planet is COMPLETELY OUT OF ENERGY OF ANY KIND... drink big.
Examples:
- They teleport the ENTIRE PLANET, even though they've never successfully gotten ANY energy back there.
- The autobots go to Wheeljack's secret lab, which is full of amazing equipment, and build some cool stuff, even though they had to salvage old core rods to power ANYTHING in the first episode.
-------------------
Ok, I'll add more to this later. It's late, and I'm too tired to continue. It's probably STUPID anyway. Oh, well.
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