Aaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggggghhhhhhhh Hhhhhhhhhhh

[Jon P. Inghram]

AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

A relative just called saying another relative said I know alot about computers.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH HHHHHHHHH

They say their keyboard doesn't work.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH H

They also say their favorites list has disappeared. They also say they've just recently gotten hooked up to the internet over cable.

AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

They're using a Wal-Mart eMachine, not a Dell or Gateway or some other brand that would likely have real tech support that I could point them towards to save my sanity.

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

When I ask about the LEDs on the keyboard, they say when they hit caps-lock it does toggle the light. When I have them open up notepad it's obvious the keyboard is working fine.

AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Something is very wrong with IE as the keyboard isn't working with it at all apparently. Going for broke I decide to try having them use an extremely technical process that many much more seasoned computer users have failed to master: copy and pasting text; In this case an address from notepad into the address bar of IE.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I eventually manage to get them to the AVG Free edition site and have them download and install it. The resident scanner, as I expected, immediately starts giving virus warnings. I have them run a full scan, but it was going so slow they said they would call back if it gets done before their bedtime.

AAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

[Sasq]

ya see, I moved 5000 miles and an ocean or two to save me from that

[Jessterw]

I've given family and friends the evil eyebrow enough times that I avoid most tech related questions these days

[High_Jumbllama]

I have four computers besides mine that I do anything to outside of work.

• My mother who know when something is wrong or suspect and tells me right away.
• One cousin who takes instruction very well if he even needs it.
• My cousin and her husband who are my bosses and I get to fix theirs during work hours so I get paid. I have also been able to groom them well. (I guess then that it is not outside of work.)
• My cousin's mother-in-law who is very careful and I have everything set to automatically update. I check in every couple of months just in case. She emails me usually and has called the few times that she needed to. She surfs and emails mostly.

All others must pay!

[Jon P. Inghram]

The best part is when the phone call started up with "Hi, this is your cousin so-and-so, I don't know if you remember me or not..."

They just called back and are saying the virus check finished and it said it found some viruses or something and that it deleted some of them or something and there's some other window on down with something on it or something and something like that, pretty much. Ok, just had them reboot and of course it's still screwed up, didn't really expect it to fix anything but oh well. Probably loaded with a zoos worth of viruses/trojans/worms and ad/spyware to the point that formatting is the only solution... arn't PC's wonderful?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH

[High_Jumbllama]

Just remember to practice "Computer Administration by Intimidation" . It is a wonderfully emergent technique where one somehow develops the ability to scare a computer into working just because you show up. Nobody understands how this works. It just does.

[KvHagedorn]

Just tell them the best cure for a computer virus is orange juice and rest. Act deranged. You'll be amazed at how few calls you get then.

[Kooldino]

It hasn't been as bad for me recently, but having a lot of non-techie friends and coming from a large family, and being the only computer geek got me into those positions plenty.

However, by far, the WORST person to deal with about this stuff is my mother. She's not a dumb woman, but give her anything scientific or technological at all, and she's automatically confused.

I've tried for hours to explain copy and paste to her. She took notes. She still can't do it. I could write a book on the stupid crap she's put me though with computers, but here's an outstanding example:

When I was in college, my mom was a day trader on the stock market. Nothing major, just normal Ameritrade type stuff. It was over winter break, so I had to stay at home for the month. It all began on a cold winter's morning. I was asleep in my bed when I heard yelling coming from upstairs:

Mom: [kooldino]!!!!!!
Me: grumble (puts pillow over head)
Mom: My Internet is not working!!!!

(this insanity ensues for a few minutes, and I try my best to block it out)

Mom: (now downstairs banging on my door) "[kooldino], get up! My Internet is not working"
Me: What do you mean?
Mom: Well, I'm doing my stocks, and when I click on the button to load the next page, it just sits there.
Me: Does everything else that you click on work?
Mom: Yes.
Me: Then that means when you click on the button that's not working, the server that it points to is so overloaded with users, that it just won't work. It's running at beyond it's capacity. There is absolutely nothing I can do. If I get out of bed and go upstairs, I'm limited to the same option that you are: clicking on the link.
Mom: Well get up and fix it!
Me: You don't understand, the problem is not on our end. Think of it like a TV station going out. There's absolutely nothing that can be done on our end. The best you can wish for is just to keep clicking on it and maybe you'll get lucky and your page will load.
Mom: I'm sure you can do SOMETHING about it. We send you to college and you can't fix this for me?
Me: Nothing. Let me sleep.

<Intermission: She JUST now called me with computer questions. I'm suddenly aggrivated>

Mom: (walks away ranting off. My dad catches wind of her ranting)
Dad: (banging on door) Get your ass up NOW and go help your mother.
Me: Dad, there's nothing I can do. The server that she's trying to contact is either down or overloaded. If I were the best computer guy on the planet, there's still zero I could do about it.
Dad: Open this F*ing door before I kick it down.
Me: (gets out of bed, opens door)

I then proceed to explain to my dad what I had just explained to my mom. I don't think he gets it.

Dad: If she can get to the Internet, it obviously works, and somethings wrong with her computer since she can't get to this one site.

Me: Let me ask you a question: How exactly do you guys think the Internet works? Draw me a diagram of how you think the Internet is layed out.

A moment later, they hand me a schematic of the Internet. It's basically a drawing of their PC with a line going to a supercomputer in the middle of Kansas or something. This supercomputer is labeled "Internet". Stellar.

Apparently my parents are under the notion that the entire Internet is just one huge machine somewhere, and thus, if they can access one thing on the net, they should be able to access all of them.

I then drew them a rough diagram of "The Internet" (minus the big cloud as depicted in textbooks) and explained myself again, in hopes that they'd finally get it.

They didn't care, and insisted that I go look at the computer (the reason I was so resistant in the first place is because I'm trying to make them understand computers a little bit, just so they could be self sufficient).

So I finally go upstairs and check out the computer.

<Intermission - she just called me again. I can't take it. I'm getting her a webtv>

Me: Ok, mom, click on whatever it is that won't load.
Mom: (clicks, nothing happens)
Me: Ok, now just to make you happy, I'll click on it and show you that it's not going to make a difference. (clicks on link. Page loads successfully).
Mom: See? I knew you'd fix it! My genius son!
Me: (dumbfounded...hits "back") Let's see you try it again.
Mom: (clicks, nothing happens)
Me: (clicks on link. Page loads successfully. What are the odds of this happening like this??) OOOOOH, I see what your problem is. You're clicking TOO HARD. When you click as hard as you do, it overloads the circuit and the computer doesn't get the proper signal. Some sites are picky about that (hits "back" again). Watch how soft I click. Soooooft clicks. Say it with me mom, (in unison) Soft clicks (page loads). Good. Now you try (hits "back again).
Mom: Sooooft clicks (page loads, hits "back") soft clicks (page loads).
Me: Good, now keep practicing that. Make sure you say "soft clicks". I want to hear you say it (walks out of room trying to keep a straight face)
Mom: (in background) soooooooft clicks.

[omegaRED]

ROTFLMAO!!! Nice

[KvHagedorn]

Is this what they mean by "tortured genius"?

[Claymonkey]

"soooooft clicks" lmao

[Helevitia]

LMAO! That was hilarious! "sooooft clicks"

[dbdg]

rofl, I can't wait till my mum calls me about her PC now...

[ZokesPro]

@Kooldino: Yeah I love how parents think that your this super omniscient genius and you KNOW ALL about everything when it comes to computers internet and everything electronic, mine are the same too. LOL Your story makes me reminisce about the good ol days, oh some of the questions I've been asked. :P