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It's Friday
1) When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died
peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
"Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program is that it's not a
desirable job; but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
and the day before they leave you they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying
to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
peacefully in his
sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car."
--Author Unknown
2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a
headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and
"Keep away from children."
--Author Unknown
3) "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support
group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar."
--Drew Carey
4) "The problem with the designated driver program is that it's not a
desirable job; but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with
it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house."
--Jeff Foxworthy
5) "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an
infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even
considering if there is a man on base."
--Dave Barry
6) "Relationships are hard. It's like a full time job, and we should
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay,
and the day before they leave you they should have to find you a temp."
--Bob Ettinger
7) "My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in
the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying
to teach you how to swim.'"
--Paula Poundstone
8) "A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal
skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: "Duh."
--Conan O'Brien
9) "Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow
learner."
--Lynda Montgomery
10) "I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'"
--Richard Jeni
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