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Newsflash. Ottawa, January 2013
Ottawa Quakers called for donations today to an emergency snowsuit fund
for american soldiers, as the latest wave of invaders was stalled
by a snowstorm outside Toronto. As american tanks were halted by massive
snowdrifts on the 417, the RCMP denied that it has been assisting american
marines with directions to Ottawa. "I told them it was near Toronto", said
one RCMP officer, "but they said they knew that already".
Canadian meterologists dismissed claims by the US military that winter
temperatures of -20 and below were unusually cold. 'If they think that's bad,
wait until they get to Calgary' one senior meterologist commented. Meanwhile
the Ontario government announced that savings in the snow removal fund
caused by the american invasion would be used to cover additional social
assistance costs for new canadian citizens.
A total of 10,000 US soldiers have now accepted canadian citizenship
as part of the invasion response program. The package which offers
immediate citizenship for soldiers and their families, including all
health costs, membership of the canadian pension fund, free education,
housing and a resettlement allowance for the west coast, has been extremely
popular with the older rank and file.
The success of the program is being attributed in part to local relief
efforts to assist american soldiers poorly prepared for winter conditions.
As local towns provided hot food and blankets to the troops, american GI's
were amazed by canadian hospitality. "These people are really nice", said
one GI who reported being shot at during one holiday in Chicago.
Reports that the high rate of breakdown experienced by american troop
carriers was due to bottles of blue coloured water labelled anti-freeze
being distributed to canadian petrol stations were strenously denied by
the Canadian government. 'Mislabelling of consumer products can be
extremely dangerous, and will be prosecuted under the Sale of Goods Act',
stated an official.
Meanwhile in Florida, the takeover of the state government by Canadian
Snowbirds has continued into its third week. Attempts by the national
guard to move in were blocked by senior citizens who have built an ice rink
on the main freeways using snowmakers smuggled in from Quebec. "They just
don't have any winter driving experience down here, eh", said one pensioner,
armed with a submachine gun bought at a local gun store. Concerns raised
by Congress over the availability of weapons to foreign nationals, were
condemned by Florida gun shop owners as 'anti-competitive'.
European observers have expressed surprise over the latest american agression,
so soon after the acknowledged fiasco of the recent Mexican takeover. Relief
efforts in San Diego are continuing after the massive exodus from Mexico
City to California. Immigration officials stated they were unable to
stop mexican-americans from traveling north in search of work now that
the border has been dismantled.
In Washington today, Senate members called for emergency debate as
opinion polls for the Presidential elections continued to show the Mayor
of Mexico city in first place, with 98% support amongst the mexican community.
State officials have acknowledged that granting US citizenship to all mexicans
immediately following the takeover may have been premature.
for american soldiers, as the latest wave of invaders was stalled
by a snowstorm outside Toronto. As american tanks were halted by massive
snowdrifts on the 417, the RCMP denied that it has been assisting american
marines with directions to Ottawa. "I told them it was near Toronto", said
one RCMP officer, "but they said they knew that already".
Canadian meterologists dismissed claims by the US military that winter
temperatures of -20 and below were unusually cold. 'If they think that's bad,
wait until they get to Calgary' one senior meterologist commented. Meanwhile
the Ontario government announced that savings in the snow removal fund
caused by the american invasion would be used to cover additional social
assistance costs for new canadian citizens.
A total of 10,000 US soldiers have now accepted canadian citizenship
as part of the invasion response program. The package which offers
immediate citizenship for soldiers and their families, including all
health costs, membership of the canadian pension fund, free education,
housing and a resettlement allowance for the west coast, has been extremely
popular with the older rank and file.
The success of the program is being attributed in part to local relief
efforts to assist american soldiers poorly prepared for winter conditions.
As local towns provided hot food and blankets to the troops, american GI's
were amazed by canadian hospitality. "These people are really nice", said
one GI who reported being shot at during one holiday in Chicago.
Reports that the high rate of breakdown experienced by american troop
carriers was due to bottles of blue coloured water labelled anti-freeze
being distributed to canadian petrol stations were strenously denied by
the Canadian government. 'Mislabelling of consumer products can be
extremely dangerous, and will be prosecuted under the Sale of Goods Act',
stated an official.
Meanwhile in Florida, the takeover of the state government by Canadian
Snowbirds has continued into its third week. Attempts by the national
guard to move in were blocked by senior citizens who have built an ice rink
on the main freeways using snowmakers smuggled in from Quebec. "They just
don't have any winter driving experience down here, eh", said one pensioner,
armed with a submachine gun bought at a local gun store. Concerns raised
by Congress over the availability of weapons to foreign nationals, were
condemned by Florida gun shop owners as 'anti-competitive'.
European observers have expressed surprise over the latest american agression,
so soon after the acknowledged fiasco of the recent Mexican takeover. Relief
efforts in San Diego are continuing after the massive exodus from Mexico
City to California. Immigration officials stated they were unable to
stop mexican-americans from traveling north in search of work now that
the border has been dismantled.
In Washington today, Senate members called for emergency debate as
opinion polls for the Presidential elections continued to show the Mayor
of Mexico city in first place, with 98% support amongst the mexican community.
State officials have acknowledged that granting US citizenship to all mexicans
immediately following the takeover may have been premature.
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