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A lovely old story (NSFW)
An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around
the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted
for evening performances'.
'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the
bar.
'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs*it middle class w*nkhole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I
help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy
advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition............w*nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his
dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not
too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister
but I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nt's blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'
'W*nker.......' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful
ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his
salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called
"Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your
r*ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my
dear, you've still got f*cking nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb
pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on
the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the
audience.' 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping
up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a
gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist
has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and
knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being
re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and
finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches
him.
'Hi' she says. .........'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the
expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your c*ck is
hanging out of your trousers and sp*nk is dribbling out all over your
shoes?"
Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her
square in the eye and yells....
"Know it - I f*cking wrote it!!!"
the streets and bars of Soho one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dean
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window 'Pianist wanted
for evening performances'.
'Fu**ing get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the
bar.
'Get the fu**ing manager of this pigs*it middle class w*nkhole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.
The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs. 'Can I
help you sir?' he says 'Yes you can you fat piece of s*it, I saw your poxy
advert in the c*nting window and I'm here to audition............w*nker.'
The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his
dire need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition.
The first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not
too involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'
'That song, you big nosed tw*t, was called "Excuse me prime minister
but I just j*zzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nt's blind...'
'Oh' says the manager 'err, can you play me another. Something a little
less "lively".'
'W*nker.......' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful
ballad which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his
salty teardrops asks him the title. 'That little number was called
"Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t box you get cr*p on your bell end.'
'I see' says the manager, 'Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?' 'Well there's my jazz number "Do you want me to split your
r*ngpiece", or there's the epic "I don't care if you're older my
dear, you've still got f*cking nice jugs".
'Look' says the manager interrupting, 'I think you're a superb
pianist but the title of your songs are a little "racy". I will hire you on
the condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the
audience.' 'F*ck it' says the pianist 'Why not'.
On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping
up his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a
gorgeous blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side
revealing the tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which
boasts a proud and inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist
has got such a stonking hard on that he decides to go to the bog and
knock one out. Just as he has shot his load he hears himself being
re-introduced over the tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and
finishes his act.
After the show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches
him.
'Hi' she says. .........'Hello' he winces, struggling to hold in the
expletives.
She leans over and whispers in his ear, "Do you know your c*ck is
hanging out of your trousers and sp*nk is dribbling out all over your
shoes?"
Placing his beer confidently on the bar, the pianist grins, looks her
square in the eye and yells....
"Know it - I f*cking wrote it!!!"
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