Affairs

[Fat Tone]

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went
to her place and made love all afternoon.


Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.
Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he
replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."


She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been
playing golf!"








The 2nd Affair


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about
having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.


The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was
horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.


He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look
at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!


Have you been fooling around behind my back?"


The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"








The 3rd Affair


A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr.
Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz
had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,"
the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an
impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity!"
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I
have something to show you that you won't believe," he said to his wife,
opening his briefcase.


"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"





The 4th Affair


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil
all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder."Don't move until I tell
you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."


"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.


"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so
I got one for us, too."


No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 AM the husband
got up and went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, have this. I stood like that for two days
at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."





The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. "Certainly,
Sir , that'll be one cent." "One Cent?" the man exclaimed. He glanced at
the menu and asked: "How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of
wine?" "A nickel,"


the barman replied. "A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who
owns this place?"


The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."


The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" The bartender
replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.





The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said
weakly: "I have something I must confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, "now just rest and let the poison work."

[gt40]

[Brian Ellis]

[Jammrock]

... those are good.

Here's an oldie, but goldie:

A husband and wife are sitting in bed one night reading their books. The wife, as all wives do, asked one of those questions: "If I were to die tomorrow, would you remarry?"

The husband stopped, gave his wife that look, and answered: "Well, we have three young kids and I would hate for them to grow up without a mother, so after a year or a two of morning I think I would get remarried for them." The husband, feeling proud that he had given a satisfactory answer went back to his book.

A few minutes later the wife asked: "Would you sleep in the same bed with her as me?"

The husband thought it over and said: "Well, we do have a very nice, and very expensive bed. It would be a waste to throw it out."

Before the husband could get back to his book the wife asked: "Would you let her use my clothes, too."

"Well dear," the husband replied, slightly annoyed now, "you have a lot of very nice, and very expensive clothes. If my new wife fit into them I would let her use them. After all, it would be a waste to throw out so much perfectly good clothes."

The wife is a little annoyed by now and asks, "What about my jewelry?"

"You do have a lot of very nice, and very expensive jewelry. It would be shameful to throw it away. Plus, I could save it for our daughter to inherit when she was old enough."

The wife, on the verge of yelling now, says, "And I bet you'd let her use my golf clubs, too?"

"No dear," the husband replied from behind his book, "she's left-handed."

[Byock]

nice!

[lowlifecat]

i like # 5